The Truth About Lying (coming out to my parents!)

This is basically copied from the blog I just wrote on Myspace. I know it's quite lengthy, but I really tried to get out every detail of the events that went on last night when I came out to my parents face to face. And for those of you who want the quick version: it went surprisingly well! (!) Before I start in on it, I just want to say a huge thank you to EC for all the support you all give to everyone (myself included every day). Without this place, I wouldn't have had the courage to do this! So... thank you!!! (*hug*) Okay, let's begin:

Yes, you may have guessed it from the title or the fact that my blogs have been leading up to this: I finally came out to my parents! And here's how it all went down:

Okay, so I left work this afternoon (or is it yesterday afternoon seeing as it's already after midnight) around 5:30 p.m. and headed over to my parent's house. They live about five minutes from work, so I figured I could at least use the excuse that I was there just dropping by to say hello at first without seeming suspicious.

So, I head inside and watch a little television with my mother while we wait for Dad to get home. Now, I'm not usually one to believe in the paranormal more than the next person, but there was some strange stuff on TV tonight that made me almost laugh out loud at the irony. Let me explain.

The first show we started in on was called "Husband For Hire" on the Lifetime channel. It stars the very attractive Mark Consuelos (Kelly Ripa's husband), Mario Lopez, and some lady (yeah, I don't notice the women, duh ). The lady hired Mark to act like her husband so she could get her inheritance from her family (marriage was a contractual obligation). When they are hammering out the agreement, Mark leans over the table and whispers to the lady, "There are easier ways of hiding that you're a lesbian." Of course, she wasn't a lesbian, but the gay-centric reference almost made me howl in laughter.

But that's not it! The next show we switched to was "1 vs. 100," that trivia show where one person must stand up to a mob of people and hopefully answer their questions right while the mob answers theirs wrong. And guess who was front and center in the mob tonight? Oh yes, it was none other than the grandmaster gay himself, Ross the Intern from the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno! That man is gayer than Liberace at a roller rink. Surprisingly, my parents didn't make a comment about him for once, which is strange. Usually they've got some sniper comment ready.

By this time, we'd finished eating dinner and my parents suddenly announced that they were going to head out in a few minutes to play poker at a neighbor's house! This is about the time that I realized it was now or never. I have been working up the courage all week to sit down with them and discuss all of this openly. In fact, I had wanted to do this last Sunday originally but things got in the way of that opportunity (which turned out to be a good thing). And now, here I was in the same position. I had a chance alone with my parents to talk earnestly. And it was about to disappear. I honestly think that if I didn't say anything at this point, I might not be able to build up the courage a third time for a long while.

So, my parents started to stand up to get ready to leave. My heart was racing so fast by this point that my vision actually blurred. That can't be good. My blood pressure must have spiked in order for that to happen, I imagine. Anyway, this whole time I had been holding my notebook bag with all of my papers, pens, and highlighters in it. And in one of the pockets were some pamphlets and materials from PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays) that I had brought to give to them.

At this point, I honestly don't know where the sudden action came from. I don't remember actually willing my arms to move. They just did. Thinking back on it, I suspect that it must have been only by the grace of all of you (my friends and support group) that caused me to pull out the pamphlets suddenly. I remember saying this, although it's sort of blurry to me in my head: "Before you go, I have something I need to tell you." At this point, I handed the pamphlets to my mother, who was sitting closer to me. She glanced at the booklet for a moment. The title read: "Our Sons and Daughters" and below that, there is easily-readable text: "Parents of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Children." She glanced at it for a moment and then looked up at me and said, "What's this?"

My tongue was tied by this point. I stared back at her for a moment, almost willing her to just get it and understand. After a moment, I think I said "I'm gay." I'm sure it was barely more than a whisper though. My mom handed her pamphlet to my dad while she picked up another one and looked at the title again. She looked back up at me and said, "So this means... you're gay?" Yeah, denial is a powerful tool. I nodded and said "yes" again.

At this point, my dad picked up the phone and dialed the neighbor's house and left a message in a surprisingly-calm voice that they wouldn't be able to make it to the poker game tonight because "something came up." About this time, my mom said something rather hilarious, I must say. "Does this mean you're gay, bisexual, and transgender?" Yeah, mom, I'm all of those things. End sarcasm. But I understood her confusion. This is completely alien territory to her, and there was palpable pain in her voice, although she did a decent job of hiding it. I mean, I was destroying her image of me, and that's a hard thing to just toss aside. Of course, I told her I was just gay (as if any of those answers were easier than the others, lol).

There was about thirty seconds of silence after that as they began to read the pamphlets. Once the words were out of my mouth, the nerves finally started to fall away. It didn't matter what I said at that point. Either they would hate me or not, but nothing I did now would make a lick of difference in affecting the outcome of the rest of the night.

And then the questions started. This is the part I was dreading the most.

Mom: "How long have you known?"
Me: "Ummm... I've always known to some extent, but I became fully aware when I was eleven."
Dad: "Do you think that there's still a possibility that you might like girls?" (yeah, this question made about as much sense to me as it does to you right now. I'm gay. But I like girls. Lol)
Me: "No. I'm not attracted to them." (that's all I could think of to say without getting too graphic)
Mom: "Are you seeing anyone right now?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Have you... had a relationship in the past?" (I can tell by this point that she doesn't want to mention the words "another guy" almost as if that will make it more real)
Me: "No." (and at this point, I'm surprised that they didn't ask how I really knew I was gay if I haven't had a relationship with another guy yet... I'm really surprised that didn't come up)
Dad: "What about that guy roommate you had? What was his name?"
Me: "Lance."
Dad: "Was he a homosexual?" (and this is the point where I realized that my mom used "gay" and my dad used "homosexual"... strange, huh?)
Me: "Yes. But we weren't ever a couple."

At this point, there's a little more silence as they read a little bit more from the pamphlets, as if the answers are just going to appear. And then some more questions. Joy!

Mom: "Do you think that being gay is wrong?" (ooh, this is a loaded question!)
Me: "No." (it was hard to say that answer because I knew what was going to come next)
Mom: "So, you don't think that acting on your urges is a sin then?"
Me: "I don't know. (and after a few moments of discomfort) No. I'm not 'wrong.' God doesn't make mistakes. I was born gay. I wasn't a mistake." (I'm proud I finally got that across)
Dad: "Well, would you consider abstaining....?" (fuck! I hadn't seen this question coming! I had prepared for everything but this)

At this point, I was caught between a real rock and a terrible hard place. On the one hand, I could lie and say "yes" to make them happy for the time being. If they thought I wouldn't act on my "impulses" (which I found mildly offensive, to say the least), then I knew things would go smoother. However, on the other hand, if I said "no" they would immediately label me as a sinner.

And that's when my mom surprised me. She looked over at my dad and said to him something along the lines of "I don't think he'd be here talking to us if he wanted to abstain for the rest of his life." And she was 100% right. And then she turned right toward me and asked some more questions again.

Mom: "Are you seeking out a partner?"
Me: "No. I have other things to worry about at the moment. I don't like how I look. That makes it hard to want to go out and date." (I think around this time my dad asked the abstension question yet again, but this time I said a non-commital "no" which was the best I could do at the time)
Dad: "You know what the Bible says about homosexuality?" (well, no duh!)
Me: "Yeah, I know what it says."
Mom: "So, do you think it's wrong?" (and the vice begins to tighten)
Me: (I can't seem to find the words to express myself at this point because I'm feeling slightly betrayed)
Mom: "It's either a yes or a no. Either it's okay to you and right, or it's a sin and wrong." (the vice tightens)
Me: "No, I don't think it's wrong. I'm not 'wrong'. It's not something changeable. I can't make myself be straight."
Mom: "Would you want to be straight if you could be?"

And here's what I'm most proud of in the entire conversation:

Me: "No."
Mom: "Why not?"
Me: "Because then I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I would have different views on things. I would be a different person with different perspectives."

They do a bit more reading and staring at me, which I somehow manage to calmly return right back in kind. I don't think I've ever stared at my dad that much without feeling the least bit nervous. I should have been mortified, but I wasn't. I just looked right back at him.

The conversation continued, although at this point it's a little more blurry to me. I know we discussed the Bible some more, as expected. I mentioned that I would prefer not to be "out" at work for now to make things easier and they agreed that would be a good idea. And then my dad mentioned that one of his friends at another company he deals with had been to a PFLAG meeting because his son was gay too. I felt a moment of jubilation at hearing that. And then he said something that still makes me smile thinking about it even now:

Dad: "Well, no matter what, we don't love you any less."

I almost cried when I heard that. Up until then, none of us had cried, actually, which is kind of strange given the gravity and emotional pain of the situation. Instead, I bit back my tears and said "thank you" to him. Over the course of the rest of the conversation, he repeated that two more times. I can never be thankful enough for those words. I really can't. That meant the world to me! It meant that I could live my life now with a freedom I had never thought I could have. I could have a partner if I chose to. And my parents would always love me still. For all of you reading this, I can only hope that you don't take this support from your parents for granted if you have it! It's something so precious and valuable that nothing in this world compares to it. Everything else pales in comparison.

My mother mentioned that she could only allow me to live my life as I wanted to live it and that they wouldn't do anything to stop me, but that she didn't think she could ever consider it a "good" thing like I did. My dad said that he would pray for me every day. And then they brought up counselling.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind a little counselling, I suppose. My parents agreed that it might help me get through some of my depression issues that stemmed from being in the closet all these years. So, I guess if I still feel down in the next week or two, I'll seek out a counsellor to talk to. My mom reassured me that if I didn't feel that a counsellor was helping, I could drop it at any time. They even said that I could pick my own counsellor (I was fearful that they would try to find an anti-gay counsellor!). So, we'll see about that. I'm already feeling about 500% better than I have been in... well... the last half of my life or more! But we'll see...

And that was pretty much the end of the discussion. From that point on, we went back to watching television for a few more minutes. It was almost as if nothing had happened. To me, it felt strange. I know that they were just holding on to the facade of happiness while I was there so that I wouldn't feel bad. We all made ourselves a few alcoholic drinks to calm our nerves (yeah, I drink with my family in times like these, lol) while my dad mentioned that if they had said anything in the past that was derogatory toward gays that they were sorry. They never meant it to hurt me since they didn't know I was gay until then and that they'd try not to say anything mean around me anymore, although if something did slip that it was just because it was ingrained in them since they were young, which I understand. Then he mentioned offhandedly that he liked pot a lot and that he had abstained from pot for all these years. As if my sexual orientation has any comparison with a drug! In fact, my mom stepped in at that point and mentioned that these were totally different issues, thankfully.

After that, talk tapered off again and didn't resume about my sexuality. About a half-hour later, I decided that it would be safe to head home since they seemed to have gotten most of their questions out for the time being. My dad mentioned in passing that he had always had suspicions. Gee, thanks. What was it that gave it away? The fact that most of my friends are girls? My mannerisms? Never commenting on women's looks? Forgetting to delete Internet history when I was younger and stupider while exploring my sexuality? Yeah, I'm sure they found some... interesting... stuff on the computer around that time!

So, with that, I headed out. They seemed to have recovered somewhat by then. However, I'm sure that the moment I left things probably went a little out of control. I feel bad about it, but the complete core-dump of relief that I feel at this point far outweighs any worry about them. If they can love me no matter what, that's enough for now. Acceptance may (or may not) come in time. But at least they know. At least they didn't hear it from someone else. At least I was able to tell after all these years.

So, that's pretty much it! It went much better than I had expected. I thought my dad was going to be the standoffish one and it turned out to be my mom. I thought they were going to get angry, and they didn't. They just got inquisitive. Oh yeah, they did bring up AIDS, of course, and seemed to be under the impression that 4 out of 5 AIDS patients were gay. I assured them that although that might have been the case in 1980, things have changed. The number one risk group for AIDS now is African-American women. They didn't really believe me. But that's okay. If they read the pamphlets, which I think they will, there's a section in them about HIV/AIDS. And I can always answer their questions if they have more.

So, I guess that's it. I really want to thank each and every one of you for being there for me along this journey. All of you mean the world to me. You really do. Without the support of my friends and allies, I certainly wouldn't have had the courage to stand up to my parents, to tradition, to 2000 years of dogma, and tell them something they never wanted to hear. Without all of you, I wouldn't be who I am today.

You are my light in the darkness. And that's the truth about lying. In the end, the lies catch up with you. In the end, truth always wins out.

And now, I'm going to go to bed and hopefully have the best sleep of my life. And tomorrow, maybe a new journey will begin.

With all my love,

~ Noah

(and no, I'm not leaving EC if that's what the end sounded like. I just got all melodramatic, lol)

 

Thanks, everyone, for your support! I can only hope that my story might inspire someone else in the future. I'll keep you all updated on what happens in the next week or two, although I have high hopes at this point. In fact, I got a phone message this morning from my dad:

"Hey, just calling to let you know that we still love you. Mom's okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Talk to you later."

I'm so happy that I came out to them. The drive home was kind of surreal, actually. I probably should have had someone drive me home because my mind was everywhere but on the road. But at least I made it back safely. :lol: Today felt strange just realizing that it was pretty much all over now. It's like... what do I do now? I still have to tell my brothers eventually, but I don't feel any pressing need to do that any time soon. My coworkers simply don't deserve to know because I have little to no respect for most of them. And my extended family I only see once or twice a year at most (many of them I haven't seen in several years), so I'm not worried about them much either for now. I guess the next step is just feeling comfortable now. Being in a dark place for so long, it's kind of strange feeling the light again, you know?