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Need to just, do it.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by GORKS, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. GORKS

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    Hey! First, I apologise for the length of this post. Yeah so I've lurked here for months now but I just felt the urge to sign up just now, despite it being 3:25 am. So, my story so far. I planned for ages to finally come out on August 16th, since it was A-Level results day here in the UK I figured me getting good results and going to uni would, I dunno soften the blow? If that makes sense. And equally I felt it was the right time considering all the approaching changes in my life. Having a firm plan was part of the reason I didn't feel the need to register. I didn't sleep the night before. I woke up and prayed it would all work out. Unfortunately due to some unprecedented events my plans were thrown into disarray. I had it worked out to get my parents on my own and tell them but due to the unexpected complications there was a room full of people to face when I got home.

    As a prank (albeit a cruel one haha) I had led my parents to believe I missed my uni place by one fallen grade. Safe to say there was a sombre atmosphere lol Eventually I just decided I was going to do it in front of everyone as, while not my original plan I really wanted to do it that day. So I excused myself to the bathroom to prepare myself. After some deep breaths I walked downstairs with the full intention of coming out in that moment.

    As I entered everyone was in muffled laughter. My mother explained through a giggle, that my father received a friend request on his PS3. I can't remember the username but it was something about cross dressing (sorry if thats not a nice term but I think it's the words their username consisted of) Anyway the source of the laughter was that my father had replied to him calling him derogatory, homophobic names like "Faggot" and "Fruit" and told them to f*ck off. This didn't particularly shock me coming from my father but everyone's reaction, the smiles and throaty chuckles did. I sat down and I said "I have something to tell you".

    The brief silence was deafening. But in that moment, my mother threw her head into her hands on the verge of tears and shock. Clearly making a connection between what had just happened and my choice to say those words at that time. Her expecting the worst and the worst for her being me saying those two words threw me. I have never seen her react like that, and more so I did not want to be the cause of it. So after all the build up, I closed the closet door without even getting a toe out. Instead I told them I lied about my results. My mum cried. They weren't tears of joy, they were relief. They took me lying about the results bad who knows what they would've done if I had of said what I planned.

    Weeks later, I still want to come out before uni. I have to, I'm ready. Now I just have to figure out the perfect time. I've got two weeks, thats it. Sometimes I flash on the fact I was so close, and I can't breathe. I guess I'm just here for help, support, someone to talk to. Thats what we all want.

    I mean, my problem is that, really they should all know. I honestly thought it was an unspoken thing that really I just needed to confirm lol But I've left it so long I think they think "Oh if he was gay he would've said by now so he must be straight". So they're acting like I am. I'm noticing more and more comments like "Why don't you ask ---- to be your gf?" "What about the girl you went to the formal with? She was pretty" Only Friday my brother remarked while I was holding my niece that "You suit that, not be long and you'll have some". I know what you're thinking. They're just giving me the chance to correct them. They're not. I can tell the way they say it. Like they're trying to condition me into their way of thinking. And I always hear homophobic stuff throughout the family. And I just listen, thinking they don't realise they're talking about me.

    I've heard my mum be supportive and disgusted at the LGBT community. But I always thought she'd change when she found out. And she may well do, but its easier saying you support something that hasn't happened to you. Out of all thd family I thought she'd be the most supportive. I dunno that look was disheartening. She tried to cover it up but shes as transparent as I thought I was.

    I think all my friends already think I am, but they suffer from confusion like my family due to the time its taking. I do know however they won't care when I tell them. Which is a comfort. But they've began to just assume I'm straight slightly.

    My dad. Well he could go either way. But I don't think he'll like it. He won't show it to my face if he does and we're not close at all so I'm not that bothered. He's always given the impression he knew, is ashamed, and focuses on other parts of my character to distract himself.

    Sorry this was so long, I had alot built up lol Let the countdown begin.
     
  2. DoriaN

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    My parents will never know, I'd rather die.

    That said I have a lot of respect for you and wish you a lot of luck!
     
  3. GORKS

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    Thank you for the luck!

    I'm sorry you feel that way. *internet hugs* Would your parents be extremely against it?
     
  4. Mango

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    Hey there GORKS!

    I've never really understood why everybody seems to feel as though you owe them some kinda sexual orientation confession or something. I truly do believe it's nobody's damned business how you do it, or what you do it to, as long as you're not hurting anybody, and it doesn't involve animals, children, or dead people.

    Anything between consenting adults, that's legal should be completely confidential and private, unless you get turned on by the publicity of it all!

    As far as I'm concern, you don't owe your family or anyone else any type of explanation about your sexual proclivities. Let them forever walk in total darkness about your personal life!

    If I hadn't been so damned obvious, I most probably would have remained in the closet almost half of my life!

    People can be so damned cruel!
     
  5. ForceAndVerve

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    Hey Gorks, welcome to EC! :icon_bigg

    I wonder what would you have said if you didn't have your "results suprise" to go back on? Lucky really that you did lie about your results eh? Also are you absolutley certain that your mum was reacting like that because she thought you were about to come out? Seems a bit presumptuous of her. In fact, I think it would have been even more poignant if you had come out then and there, just after what your dad had said. I would have loved to have been there to see their faces. :badgrin:

    When are you going to come out to your friends as well? Maybe coming out to them first would help you gain the confidence you need to tell your family.

    NINJA EDIT: I'll also echo what Mango said: You don't owe your parents anything, your going to UNI, they should be proud of you regardless of what your sexual orientation is. And even if they don't, WHO CARES, your going to uni! :grin:
     
    #5 ForceAndVerve, Sep 1, 2012
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2012
  6. GORKS

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    Hey! Yeah I get what you mean. A part of me feels like I'm sitting out on my life for them. I have no problem with who I am and if I ever did it was because of other people's influence. Despite all that I definitely feel the need to tell them because it's a big part of who I am. I want them to know the real me. Well, I'd like them to want to know this side of. But their reaction will be unpredictable lol
     
  7. DoriaN

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    Grew up in a Christian home, all my relatives are Christian too.
    Now before hat paints a bad image let me give a little background.

    I found out that my father thought I was gay but never said anything since I've always been single, and one night a couple months back I got into an argument with my mother saying that I felt gay people would go to heaven.
    I quoted scriptures like john 3:16 and whatnot but it didn't go over well, the alcohol by all parties probably didn't help either; if maybe numb the debate.

    So I end up getting picked up from work by my dad, and he does the 'confrontation thing'.
    I told him I'm not gay.... well in the traditional sense anyways, but I didn't specify anything else.
    I was able to fish out some stuff, basically there would be a chance I'd be disowned if I was gay. This was actually a better reaction than I imagined since it wasn't a definite thing...

    Later he made some mention that the 2 worst things I could do to him was either kill him or change my gender.


    WELL talking is out of the window, and I'm moving out in 2 months lol.

    I don't hate or disagree with my parents at all, I just think they are taking bible phrases too literally and getting wrapped up by things; they've never been very concious of how others feel from their words.
    If God is the God of love, how could he make me so 'flawed' from birth...
    Being gay or whatever was not part of the ten commandments, so there goes the old testament, and now you got various passages in the new testament that seem to make it 'ok'.

    I still have conflicts with myself... but atleast I won't do anything harmful to myself...
     
  8. GORKS

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    Hey! Yeah I'm lucky about my lie. Sub conscious escape hatch lol I'm pretty sure that was why she reacted like that. I could just tell. There was no other reason to, she already thought I wasn't getting into uni so what else could she be thinking in the moment after homophobic remarks her son says "I have something to tell you" lol plus like I said they have had suspicions. I would have loved to have the balls to come out then. What a proud moment that would be. My friends? Well I kinda wanna tell the folks first. Rip the band aid. If I'm gonna go start telling people I'm the kind of person who would start at the top. Yeah uni should be fun. It's a fresh start. I wanna go and be able to say yes, I'm gay.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Sep 2012 at 05:51 AM ----------

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think moving out is a really good idea. I agree, they're taking the bible too literally. God teaches love above all else. I'm not really religious but I believe we are on this earth to learn how to accept others before the we enter whatever is next. Does the bible not also say we are made in God's image? If he's real I can only wonder what he thinks of people abusing his teachings. Can I ask are going to seek gender realignment in the future?
     
  9. ForceAndVerve

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    Are your sure going to be able to do it wwhen your mum does the "OH NO, HE'S GAY" act again? You will need to make sure you can get past that melodrama!

    And yes, I hope you have fun at uni, I sure did. It was like a new lease of life! :grin:

    What are you studying may I ask?
     
  10. DoriaN

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    Thinking about it... the whole thing is really nerve wracking, I'm a shy person by nature unless I'm super comfortable so even talking or thinking about it gives me butterflys >_<
    Hormones are for sure though, already on spironolactone atm until my next therapy session at the end of sept.
     
  11. GORKS

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    [/QUOTE]Are your sure going to be able to do it wwhen your mum does the "OH NO, HE'S GAY" act again? You will need to make sure you can get past that melodrama!

    And yes, I hope you have fun at uni, I sure did. It was like a new lease of life! :grin:

    What are you studying may I ask?[/QUOTE]

    Well I could be wrong. Maybe she thought I had more bad news. Maybe she felt guilty after laughing. Maybe she was menopausal. But it was enough to stop me. If she does happen to do it on the day I'll leave her in the corner til shes over it lol I knoqw she'll be finee the initial transition may not be though. I'm studying film studies. What did you do?

    ---------- Post added 2nd Sep 2012 at 06:12 AM ----------

    Maybe when youre further in the process you'll have more confidence. Youll be comfortable with yourself. May I ask, if you decide to fully transition do you think you'll want to tell your family?
     
  12. ForceAndVerve

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    I just can't help but feel :dry: about your mum doing that.

    And lol I did film production technology. It was a bit to techincal for me though. I dont want to learn about how pixals are formed...i wanna learn how to make films! :lol: But still I had a GREAT time. Though I was REALLY lucky, in my first year I was in halls naturally and all the guys in my flat really got along and we all became great friends in a short space of time. I ended up living with them in a student house for the following 2 years of uni! Ahhhh good times...
     
  13. GORKS

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    What do you mean? lol

    Oh really? my course allows me to make short films lol Alot of theory though. That sound like fun! I wanna move out with people but were leaving it a bit late lol
     
  14. ForceAndVerve

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    I mean, when your child says "I've got something to tell you", as a parent you shouldn't bury your face in your hands and act like your going to cry. That's the last thing you should do!

    And yes, we got to make short films etc, but there was too much theory, exams etc. That and some of the elective modules we got to choose from really made me SIGH. Things such as "secondary school teaching" did not tickle my fancy. :confused:
     
  15. GORKS

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    LOL true. I'm sure she was just expecting the worst. Though she also cried when I said I didnt get into uni. And my dad just said I shouldve tried harder. I was like hehe if only you knew

    Aww crap. That sounds just like what I signed up for. Elective modules? If theres Drama I could sign my mum up lol
     
  16. DoriaN

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    I don't know... honestly I was kind of hoping they would 'discover' it somehow but I just want to avoid the whole thingcompletely.
    The only family member I could even fathom telling is my sister, even then I'm at odds, though I feel she would be more accepting.

    I kinda just want to get to passing status which I feel would be no problem for me in time, and then I'd like to idk... move to Germany and meet someone or something :3
    Just want to be held and loved for who I am.
     
  17. GORKS

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    For what its worth I think you should be so proud. More so in time. If your family cant accept that I think that says a lot more about who they are rather than who you are. It may not be my place to say this but, it seems either way youre going to lose your family in some way. So maybe, when youre ready, you should just tell them anyway? And if the dont accept it you may find you dont need them too be happy. Like I said its none of my business. Its easy for me to say that, Im not the one who has to go through it. Just know there are loads of people in the world with love to give:slight_smile:
     
  18. DoriaN

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    Yeah.....
    I always stay alone in my room and don't socialize too to much so I think I could live fine knowing they're safe happy and healthy. Kinda terrible to think about since it's my parents... I love them deeply but I feel like I need to break away ;_;
     
  19. GORKS

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    Yeah I used to stay in the house all the time. Afraid the world would find out. Its completely understandable that you want to break free and discover who you are. At the end of the day the problem lies with them. Dont restrict or waste your life on account of others. Wouldn't that be the bigger tragedy?
     
  20. DoriaN

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    Oh, I mean in general I keep to myself a lot, I have a lot of anxiety too so I'm just comfy at home ^^

    Although I would love to go clubbing again one day and just be happy and healthy.