I know that the vast majority of participants on this site - maybe ALL - are young people in their teens and twenties. I am a middle-aged gay man who has been teaching for many years, so I have watched the social climate change. When I was young, it was easy to stay in the closet, but it was also a miserable time because of the pervasive homophobia. I feel that the situation has changed. It is now actually difficult for young people to stay in the closet, because awareness of homosexuality is so high that everybody is scrutinized and anyone with any androgynous manner is immediately identified as gay. The culture is loaded with the gay presence, but the window into what gay life really looks like does not reassure young people. This is just my opinion - I know there are a lot of gay people who have a totally positive perspective on the whole shift, but I feel that it is just as hard for young gay people today as it was for me 35 years ago, just for different reasons. I think it's very important for the gay community to work towards a greater honesty about the intrinsic struggle that comes with being homosexual and the huge job we have before us to build a new way of living that is not just about fun and sex. We think the answers are easy - just find someone, fall in love, have a monogamous relationship, maybe adopt a kid...? Is that the dream? It sounds nice. Regardless of how we pursue happiness, I believe that "coming out" - coming to a deeper honesty, transparency, integrity with ourselves, etc. - is a really tough job and it takes a lifetime. Young people need coaching, but how can we older guys give it to them? We ourselves are often pathetic, conflicted, often caught up in hedonistic pursuits long after it should be embarrassing us... I think all we can offer is our honesty. Coming out is a cause for celebration, yes, and it is also an endless uphill climb. I raise my glass to all of us. God bless us every one.
Hi! Welcome to Empty Closets! There are a lot of young people here, but there are some people your age as well. We have a growing community of older people who are just coming out, sometimes out of straight marriages, and there are also some people who just like to offer advice to others. I think you'll find that the community is very welcoming, and a lot of the young people will appreciate your insight and experience. Overall, I think things are improving, but I think you're right that the kids who have it bad today have it just as bad as ever. They are more likely to be found out. But there are a lot of kids today that have a really good experience when they come out, and find that their families and friends are more supportive than they ever dared hope. Even so, the process is terrifying for them all. I think if you stick around the community here you'll see what I mean. People have a lot of different experiences. People start coming out later earlier than they used to, which I think is mostly a good thing--they keep up better with their peers in social development, if nothing else. (edit) I hope you'll stay for a while and offer some of your insight.
Hi! Welcome to EC! As Ianthe said, there is a growing group here who are coming out at an older age. I am a 56-year-old who was married for 35 years with three children. I just accepted my homosexuality last year and am now divorced and looking for the right guy to settle down with. Some of the others in our age range are Maxx, NomadicDave, JimL, Tracker57, Kneedragger, Tom100, and others who you'll come to know over time if you continue to post. I just wanted to extend a special welcome to a fellow teacher (I teach high school math)! I too, hope you stay around and add your perspective to the threads posted here. 55
Hi there, And welcome to EC. I also was married for a long time (23 years) before coming out a little over a year ago. I agree that it is still difficult to come out, even today. It is getting better every year......at least in this country and a few others. I must say though that I do dissagree with you when you say that it is just as difficult as is was thirty years ago. Back then the American Psychiatric Assiocaton still listed homosexuality as a disease. We were all sick in the minds of all those "normal" people. Well I guess that is how I felt about myself, because I was told I was a sicko. That's not the case today. Now homosexuallity is not considered an illness. I do agree that the challenges are just different. But I do believe it is easier to come out today than it was 30 years ago. It is time to celebrate and be proud of who we are. I think you will see that there are a fair number of us older guys hanging out in the periphery. I look forward to talking to you more. Jim
WELCOME!! I thought this was a powerful statement.... Learning to love who I am! And no longer ashamed of being gay!!!!!
I'm another gay late-bloomer, just turning 50, married (now separating) - it is both encouraging as well as depressing to see so many older people coming out late in life. It is encouraging because it shows I'm not alone, and it is great to see people unleash their authentic selves. It is depressing though to think of all the people like us that have been in turmoil for so long... hopefully the number of people in our situation will lessen over time as society makes it easier for each of us to openly embrace our sexuality. Maxx
Yup, apparently it is becoming more common to have people come out later in life. You are FAR from alone. I feel like an old fart at 35 but in one of the lesbian/bi women's groups I'm in there is a woman who came out at 57. I sometimes wonder if it would have been better/easier to find out that I'm not really straight earlier rather than later. In the end though, my life is the only one I have so who is to tell... The social climate and level of awareness has changed just enough that many people are coming out younger but there is still prejudice enough that not everyone is going to find it an easy task regardless of age. I think that it is important whenever possible that we serve as mentors to those who are traveling the road of coming out no matter where we are in the process or how imperfect we may be. Building a support system has been invaluable to me and I'm lucky to have people in my life who have been through the process and are willing to help. BTW, I am also a teacher. It is one of those fields where people still feel justified in critiquing your personal life. This is particularly true if you teach in a conservative community. I have overheard colleagues and parents "tsk, tsk" about LGBT celebrities, community members, other parents, and students who are LGBT (or suspected of being LGBT). Makes me both uncomfortable and angry.
Thanks to all of your for your comments and welcome. I think part of my idea that coming out never ends is in resistance to the whole "it gets easier" optimism that just doesn't feel that genuine for me. I came out early, and it has been a long hard struggle that only continues. This this is an anonymous forum, and since it is about Coming Out Stories, I'd like to share more. I was a young man 30 years ago when I had a severe emotional crisis that landed me in a psychiatric ward. The crisis itself outweighed any instinct I had about concealing my sexuality, and my whole family learned that I was gay. Because of those circumstances around coming out, they have always been very supportive. Yet my internalized struggle has had a crippling effect on me. At age 50, I am alone, have few friends, struggle with depression, and have little sense of pride or celebration about my sexuality. That is why I feel that the process continues. That is why I sought out this online community. And with regards to young gay people coming out, it is very hard for me to tell them that it gets better. But the comments here have made me realize that it's true -- it IS easier for the younger generation. Maybe it's not my job to tell them that it gets better. It's just my job to watch them as THEY show ME that it IS getting better for future generations.
It sounds like you're dealing with a really deep-seated shame about being gay, and that absolutely stands in the way of being able to fully come out. Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher who studies shame and vulnerability, and the effect of those two things on worthiness, authenticity, and what she calls wholehearted living. Basically, shame is a very deeply held belief that we are not worthy of love and belonging. It's something that separates us and makes us feel as though others won't like, accept, or appreciate us. So for many of us, we spend our lives trying to "fit in", whether by avoiding mention of our sexuality, by pretending to be someone we're not (in one way or another) or by holding back on beliefs, feelings, behaviors. But "fitting in" is completely different from belonging, and actually makes shame worse, because, ultimately, we realize unconsciously that by fitting in, we're reinforcing the idea that we won't be accepted if we allow ourselves to be seen as we really are. And I would hazard a guess that your issues may stem at a very deep level from those issues. I would strongly suggest you take an hour and watch the three videos I've posted below. Dr. Brown is an engaging and funny presenter who makes her work very accessible, and I am thinking that it may resonate for you. If it does, I would strongly recommend getting her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and her about-to-come-out book "Daring Greatly" [youtube]X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube] [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube] [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]
It seems possible to stay in the closet today. I'm in and I think I'll never come out. Maybe when I meet someone that I like my own age, then I might come out to him, but that's kind of risky, because he might go around telling the whole school, and etc.
