So I didn't think I'd be posting here for a long time, but I just came out to my mom about 39 minutes ago. I hadn't planned on coming out to her, but she asked and I had decided a few months that if she asked I would tell her. Tonight probably wasn't the best night to tell her since we'd been fighting earlier, but it's done and I'm glad it's over with. This is actually the second time I've come out, I tried last winter and went back in the closet. It started when I told her about how close I'd come to suicide last December, which was when I tried coming out the first time. I think that is probably what prompted her to ask. During the whole discussion about me being gay she was pretty cold, though she did say she stilled loved me, it's obvious she's not too happy. She said "Wow, what a way to die." referring to ADIS. She asked how I knew, and I told I was attracted to guys and not girls, she responded in a disgusted tone "Eww, you find boys cute." She thinks I can't know I'm gay since I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I asked her how she knew she didn't like girls which was met with silence. She told me that I need to try having a girlfriend and that she hopes I'm just confused. I'm pretty hurt that she said she was disappointed in me for being gay, right after I got done telling her that not accepting that I'm gay led me to hate myself and almost commit suicide. I told her that I had finally accepted I'm and I'm beginning to hate myself less and feel comfortable in my own skin and she just wanted to shoot me down. I knew that she wouldn't be ecstatic, but I didn't think she'd be cold and tell me I'm confused since she has said many times that being gay isn't a choice. I'm hoping she's just in denial and will come around soon, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Even though it didn't go so well, I'm still oddly glad I came out since I have this amazing sense of relief. ---------- Post added 8th Sep 2012 at 01:11 AM ---------- She just came in my room and gave me a lecture on how I need to see the light and be straight like one of her friends did. She got pissed when I wouldn't tell her that I check out girls. She thinks I'm going to catch some deadly disease automatically by being gay. When I told her I've never had a boyfriend she said to keep it that way and try a girlfriend first or hire a hooker :bang: I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea. :tears: ---------- Post added 8th Sep 2012 at 01:13 AM ---------- I can't believe I misspelled AIDS :bang::bang::bang:
I'm really sorry. From everything you've already said, she sounds like a totally self-centered, very inconsiderate person. But the good news is, at least she knows, and you aren't going back on it, so you don't have to worry about being disingenuous with her. Maybe she'll come around. I suspect she eventually will. But whether she does or not... you don't really have to worry too much about what she says or thinks, because YOU know what's right for you, and that's what really matters. I hope things get better with her over the next several days. I suspect they will.
I'm sorry that sucked as badly as it did. Hopefully she will come around. Maybe she can be educated. In the meantime, bravo to you for sticking up for your truth!
Aww that sucks but I am sure in time she will come around to it. I know it doesnt seem like much but at least she did tell you she still loved you. Perhaps you could try leaving some PFLAG info around the house for her, so without pressure in her own time she might actually read it.
You would think that a straight woman would be able to understand how you could find guys to be cute. And her solution to you not getting some horrible disease by simply being gay was to hire a hooker? I can't say I can follow the logic used there... But you should be proud of yourself. You have told the truth. It isn't your job to make other people accept the truth, merely to stand up for it. Your mom may be taking the news poorly, and it may get worse before it gets better, but I do think that it will get better. If you can endure, I think you'll be just fine. Congratulations!
I'm sorry your going through this. Just like you had a coming out, your mom is 'coming out' and getting used to the fact your gay. Give her some time. As mentioned before you may want to print and leave out some PFLAG materials for her They have a great brochure 'Our Daughters, Our Sons'. Good luck.
One of my moms first questions was about disease. I explained using HIV as an example, that it was a virus that can be passed through intercourse between same sex or opposite sex couples or other activities not related to sex. Gay people don't manufacture the virus out of nothing. She understood, but it seems people just automatically think gay people create then distribute disease. Strange how your mom stated she is worried about disease then mentioned a hooker...emotion is being placed ahead of logic right now, but that's understandable. David
I just emailed it to her, I hope she reads it. I didn't want to print it out, cause the I'd run the risk of my dad finding it and that would be a disaster. I hope she comes around, but if not I think I'll be okay, I can't remember ever feeling this calm and sure of myself, even though things aren't going well, weird. Though, I did find it hurtful when she said that its disgusting that I'd rather have a boyfriend than girlfriend and that she thought someone made me this way. She's now moved onto telling not to tell anyone because she's disappointed and embarrassed. She said she's mad that she want get to plan a wedding for me, or have grandkids (biological ones) and no daughter-in-law to pass on her jewelry to. Though in the stages of grief this is progress from denial, right??? If anyone knows of any other good reading material for parents, I'd appreciate it.
Sorry to hear about her reaction It's so good to hear that you're feeling so much calmer though after coming out. Not matter the reaction it's finally done so congrats on that! It must be so annoying to hear the "this person I know changed from being gay so you must too"...I get that all the time too. But ye know only time can change her beliefs and lets hope it will!! You can tell her she can still get biological grand kids via surrogacy...of course now probably isn't the best time to make her see that reason.
Your right she is going through the stages of grief. Parents have a vision of their children, getting married having grandchildren and yes even have a daughter in law. Like I said give her some time. It is a process. It's good that you are sure of yourself. It not weird at all. You held this in for a long time then you finally let your mother know. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Hey if you message Chip I think he knows some great reading for Parents, or if you wait he will probably post here. Sounds like your Mum is making progress even if it hasnt got to the point where it is getting any better for you. Sometimes as much as it hurts you have to remember how long it took you to come to terms with things, sometimes it takes our parents a while as well. Im sure she will come around, but even if she doesnt I know you will be ok.
This times two. I am really sorry that your mom is reacting so badly, but go you for going for it. It takes a lot to do that and you have come a long way My mom reacted in a very similar way so I know just how sucky it all feels. Give her some time, though. We had years to process the whole gay thing and they are going to need more than a couple of days to do that same. The PFLAG pamphelts are a great idea. I also bought my mom a book called Now That You Know: A Parents' Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children and I think its one of the best ones out there. Its a book written by parents with different stories and it goes over ALL the basics. My mom also really liked it, even though I had to beg and make a deal with her so she would start reading it xD Let us know how we can help!
You've already received all the advice that can be given up to this point. I just wanted to drop in and give you an e-hug and a show of support. (*hug*) You mentioned that your dad finding out would be a disaster. Are your parents married? What is the possibility of your mother telling your father? I hate to bring that up, but if there is a possibility that she'll out you to other people, you need to be prepared. Her "Eww, you find boys cute." was an attempt to shame you. Basically, everything she was doing was an attempt to shame you, but of course you have nothing to be ashamed about. These are her problems that she needs to sort out, not yours. She's the one with the issue with you being gay; not you. Stay strong. You'll make it through this. (*hug*)
They are still married, unfortunately. I seriously doubt that she'd out me to my dad, seeing as she said not to come out to him and she'd be afraid that I'd air her dirty laundry to him if she outed me. As for others, I don't think she would, but I wouldn't be super surprised, she has said more than she should before.
I'm so proud of you for coming out to your mum! I didn't expect you to do this so soon because you mentioned how terrified you were to come out at college. At least things could have gone a lot worse. She could have disowned you there and then but her reaction was a 'eww, you find boys cute', so its not like she became angry. I think she just needs time to take it all in and requires some educating. Try not to be discouraged about your decision. I hope you feel somewhat relieved for finally telling your mum, and things can only get better from now on
Honestly do not do what i did and make the biggest mistake of all time. Let them go through their tantrum. Seriously ride through it they need to understand that you do not like the opposite sex. The biggest a homosexual make is tell their parents that they are right, it hurts the person and their parents dramtically. Let them stew over it and accept it. I know it takes a while to get over but they need to go through it. Whether friends or friends. I made the mistake of telling them I will try girls again and it ended up with me being threatened and beaten physically. Its something I tell everyon is to go through it and so you say "pussy out". Get through as fast as possible.
Her response is as childish as that of a 5 year old. Who on gods earth says 'Eww, you like boys' to their son who is gay. Just say strong and ignore the idiotic ignorance.
Wow, this thread this back from the dead. So things haven't really gotten any better. It's basically progressed to don't ask, don't tell. But at least she has stopped mentioning me getting a girlfriend/wife. Though when she helped me move back to college, we were driving through West Hollywood and she felt the need to point out how disgusting every gay couple we saw was, even after I repeatedly asked to her to drop it and keep opinions like that to herself. Well I guess I know how she feels about it. Oh well. My mom does a good job of acting like a 5 year anytime life doesn't go exactly the way she wants it to.
Some people will never accept it. Its sad and I wish that everyone would. But as long as you accept you, things will get better. You have to live your life no one else can. You can still love her, just will have wait if/until she grows through this herself.(*hug*)
