A sadder and a wiser man...

I apologize ahead of time, this is somewhat lengthy.


Well Saturday turned out to be a rather emotional rollercoaster ride for me. I think all in all everything that happened has turned out for the better, but at the time it did not seem so.

I had been talking to someone on EC that I have started a friendship with. He asked me about some past history, stuff like why I wasn't a Fire Fighter anymore and other things related to that story. (A story a may share with the rest of you at some point. But for now I am not ready.) It felt good to feel open enough with someone to tell them more about me, but at the same time it dredged up some emotions about things I had not felt or expressed in quite some time.

You see when I was a Fire Fighter I learned very well how to hide emotions. In that type of job it is common place to laugh off bad experiences rather than really deal with them. Something that has stuck with me even after I left that career choice. But don't get me wrong, I would not trade that experience for anything; it has really made me who I am today. And despite my emotional baggage I do like who I am as a whole.

So anyways....there I was telling my story to my EC friend, and during the retelling of it I did not feel anything really. It was like I was just telling a story, and if anything my emotion was detached. And even shortly after the whole history was spilled I was mostly fine with it, at least for a while.

I had gone into the EC chat after that didn't really say much and read a bit of what was going on. But I did not feel comfortable being in there at that time, not because of the subject matter or anything like that but just because I was feeling uncertain for some reason if I belonged there. So I left chat and went to do other things. Looked at the forums, read some things, replied to some email. But all the while I felt this feeling churning inside me, something I couldn't put my finger on so to speak. But I felt anxious, and it just kept getting worse. Eventually I just got stuck thinking about my situation with my parents and most of my family, and some friends I have had for a long time. All of which have no clue about me.

You see those in my family are very, very ultra-conservative religious fundamentalists, in fact I actually have an Aunt who is a Nun. To them being anything but straight is absolute taboo. And they will literally cut me off from the family if I were to reveal my orientation to them. Several friends I have are also the same way. Which in itself really does not make them true friends, but still I have to be prepared and ready to be alone once I am ready to come out to them.

So after thinking about this for a while and ways I could possibly go about it without losing everything, I basically started to go into a full blown panic attack. Which is totally not fun, anyone who has had them I think will agree with me there.

So there I am depressed, feeling closed in, and in the middle of a panic attack. And so I decided to do what I used to do when I was younger. You see I used to do a lot of creative writing, also wrote poetry and such. It was my way of releasing my emotions in a safe way. But it had been nearly 10 years since I had done anything like this. So I just started writing, and after it was done here is what I ended up with:


I see the light but I cannot reach it,
I hear the river but I cannot find it,
I feel the rain but I cannot see it,

Trapped, the walls are closing in.
Drowning, I cannot breath
.
Hands cold, heart pounding.

The silence deafens me.
My tears dig into me.

Must get out, must break free.

Darkness surrounds me.
I am lost within it.
I see the light, but I cannot reach it.



Yeah so…where was I? Oh yeah so there I was at the end of this little emotional dump, and I am reading this thing over and over. Obviously it is not cheering me up, how could it, right? But in the middle of reading this over and over it’s like something breaks inside me. And a flood of real emotion actually comes through, and I actually start to tear up and yes I cried. And I never cry.

So after I gain some composure I start to look who of my friends is online, because I just really, really feel the need to talk to someone about all this. And I find my good friend Jax, a female friend who I have known for about 5 years. The type you always go to for advice. So I message her and carefully test the waters first, and then just say it. “Oh btw, I’m gay. And I really need your help sorting some things out.” The whole time I am thinking I really hope this works out, if I lose a friend in the middle of all this I am going to be in a deep dark place.

Thankfully though my fears were unwarranted, she was fine with my orientation and really helped me calm down a bit and sort through some things. Turned out she went through something similar regarding the family not accepting her choices when she was younger, and for a while her father and her relationship was very tense. But eventually he came around and they are ok with each other now. I can only hope my family does the same.

After I was done talking to her I sort of went on a rampage, ended up telling six very close friends about my orientation when all was said and done. Three friends were completely fine with it, they all said that the knowledge of this does not change who I am to them. One friend said he already knew I was gay, or at least had suspected it for a long time but never said anything because he was fine with it. The fifth friend not only was fine with it, but he said he had something to tell me too. Turns out he is Bisexual, so are his wife, and his girlfriend. So he was defiantly fine with it.

But sadly that streak could not go on forever. The sixth friend I told was most definitely not ok with it. I won't post the things he said to me, but be sure he did not approve at all. Which is saddening; I have known him the longest out of all the friends I chose to tell. So at this point we have parted ways, and I am a little bummed out because of it. But in reflection I guess he was never truly my friend if he could throw ours years of friendship away so easily.

So here I am at the opposite end of my crisis. A little worn out, and a little sad, but feeling better in some ways and hopeful of the future.

I also have to thank several EC members for being there when I needed someone to talk to. You all know who you are, thank you very much for being you. (&&&)

 

Thank you all for your encouragment. Usually I am by no means forward like that, but when I feel back into a corner I have a tendency to lash out. Sometimes for the good sometimes...mmm...not so good. I am just happy that this time things worked out mostly, and I feel a little bit more free to be myself because of it.

And Astaroth thank you for that link. I will make sure to take a look at it.

 

Well as an update as to what has happened. I managed to keep the ball rolling so to speek, I kind of decided I want to be out to everyone in my life, except family for now. I do have a plan as to when, where, and how that will occure but for now it is not yet time.
Anyways, I have come out to a total of 10 friends in the last 3 days. That is easily more than I have come out to in the last 10 years! And I would say a 90% friend retention rate is nothing to balk at either. :icon_bigg

This has been a very lifting experience for me, but it has also been a very surreal experience.

But I really want to thank everyone here at EC again for all your support, this would have been a much harder thing to accomplish without all of you. (&&&)