Bear with me, this may be long. So, I've only came out to 2 people in my circle of friends, both times in which I pretty much gave my two friends a reason to be in denial about my sexuality. My male friend I first came out to him as bi and he didn't seem to care too much, but just kept pushing me towards girls. Then about 2 years later, I told him I was straight up gay. At both these times I was teeter tottering between gay and bi anyways, so now, I'm officially out to him as 90ish percent gay (5 on kinsey scale). When I told him that I was full gay, he told me he'd get me some help and all... I know he didn't mean it in an insulting way, so I just told em I didn't need any help and that I accept who I am. Anyways, later on, he told me that he thought I was forcing the gay thing on myself and he basically didn't really believe me too much. And I don't blame em cuz in the past, I pretended to like lots of girls and just pretty much acted as straight as possible up until like last year. All in all, he was kinda right. I know I'm not fully 100% gay, but I know for a fact that I lean towards guys waaay more than girls. So in going through all that crap, I DO know now that I'm positively a Kinsey 5. (Hooraaay for clarity) So, my second friend I came out to is a girl, and this is where the confusion came in. By the time i'd met this friend, (bout 2 years ago) I was convinced that I was sure of my sexuality and CONVINCED that I was full fledged homo (this is around the time when I came out to the first friend). But alas, my heart and mind wouldn't let life be that simple for me. Of the years of hanging with this female friend of mine, I slowly but surely began developing strong feelings for her, feelings of which I did all in my power to suppress, because I didn't wanna go through another teeter totter game with my sexuality. So what completely idiotic thing did I do? I told her I was gay. Nooot a good idea. For one thing, she didn't take it well and I didn't expect that really. I thought I was gonna lose a really good friend. She kept telling me it was ridiculous and to just not be gay... Well, anyways, in the end she said it was probably a phase, and I found myself agreeing with her because I didn't wanna lose my friend. I told her there was a bunch of confusion about it, which wasn't a lie. So soon after ''coming out'' to her, that's when my feelings for her rose up into a blazing inferno of love and I had no choice but to accept the fact that i was crazy about her. I woulda been an idiot to try and deny it. I recently told her how I felt about her (lols she let me down easy, but damn it hurt T_T). Luckily things are absolutely the same between us and there's no awkward tension. So the point of this post (besides me just rambling) is just to kinda get you all's opinion on it. I mean, am I the only one that's done and gone through all this kinda stuff? And another thing I AM worried about is if a DO get a boyfriend... My male friend wouldn't mind too much cuz he's been my best friend since 4th grade and I know he wouldn't ditch me. But my female friend, I dunno... I don't think words would describe how hurt I'd be if she stopped being my friend... I mean me and her have gotten really close and helped each other with issues and been there for each other. She's really been the best friend i've ever had, in every way possible. I DO feel like we've had too many good times for her to just cut me out of her life, but I feel like she'd probably ignore and avoid me for a while before she came around... Well, if you haven't fallen asleep by now, I think I just really need someone to just reassure me... I feel like I"m falling into a dark and hopeless place, slowly but surely. There's a small fragment of me that's clinging to the light, but it's so tempted to just let the darkness swallow it...
Maybe you should discuss it with her - ask her why she's so opposed to the idea of you being gay. I can guess that it's probably a religious reason, and if it is then it's going to be really difficult for you to persuade her that she's wrong. In that case then you can just ask her to accept you and be your friend even if she thinks you're doing something wrong. Appeal to her that your friendship is worth more than a disagreement over one issue, and hopefully she'll see your point.
Thanks, I'll really consider that in the future, but it's probably not a good time right now to even talk to her about my orientation because I'm so busy just trying to get over her now. And if I bring up a conversation about my orientation right now, it'd DEFINITELY lead her to believe that I'm just confused or that it's all a phase. I do believe that it's a religious matter for her and all, and I know she really didn't mean to harm or insult me with her reaction. I think most of it was kinda shock. She cares about me a lot as a friend, so I know she didn't mean any harm. But about talking to her again about the gay thing, I think I'll just wait until I see that bridge before I cross it. It'd be a huge mistake for many reasons to bring that up right now
