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Coming Out to my Parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Retrospect, Sep 14, 2012.

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  1. Retrospect

    Retrospect
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    Hello everyone! I'm starting to come out to my family, and I decided to do it in the form of a letter. I already came out to my sister in July and she was fine with it (she had her suspicions already) and I was hoping you guys would give your opinion as to whether the letter will be effective or not. :icon_bigg

    Here is the letter:

    Hey guys. I'm writing this in letter form because I've talked to people who have had to do the same thing, and they said this is the best way to do it, since you won't be forced to react to me immediately.

    I want to start this by saying how much I appreciate how much you guys have done for me - with me going to college, having a car, needing miscellaneous other things, you guys have sacrificed a lot. This is NOT in any way meant to defy you or taunt you - that is not my intention. My intention is to tell you something about me that I can no longer hide. I'm gay.

    Yes, it's true. I'm sure you've had your suspicions, and it took me a while to arrive at the conclusion. I've sensed something different going on for a long time. When I was fourteen, I convinced myself I was bisexual. The only reason I rationalized that in my head was because I just couldn't leave the "one man + one woman" thesis. Then, when I was seventeen, I finally came to the conclusion that I'm gay. I have never been sexually attracted to a woman, and I never will be. This is not a phase, and I am not confused. I am not depressed about it. I am very happy and content with who I am. I have accepted that I was meant to be this way when I was conceived - it is just as much part of my biological makeup as my eye color, my height, and my skin color. Simply put, it is who I am.

    This does not change ANYTHING. I am still the same smart-mouthed kid I was before. I am not going out go gay bars with a fake ID trolling for guys in Lady GaGa costumes. I just want to go to school, get married, get a job I love, and have a family like everyone else.

    Why am I coming out to you now? Well, doing this wasn't THAT difficult. You guys are not the type of parents that would kick me out or disown me or something like that. I know you guys will love me no matter what, so this isn't that big of a deal (for me, at least). I told myself I would tell you when it became necessary. Well, I think it's necessary. There's this guy I really like. Nothing is serious or set in stone right now. We haven't even gone on a proper date. I just want you to be prepared and to get this initial shock behind you before I bring someone home to meet you.

    Remember, this is in no way meant to upset ot hurt you. I don't expect you to be okay with this immediately. I know it may take some time to get used to it, and that's perfectly normal and fine. That's why I'm doing this now, and not later - I want you to have some time to get used to it. You may be fine with it right off the bat - I just don't know. If you have questions or would like to be educated on LGBT as a whole, I can provide you some websites that are dedicated to educating parents of LGBT people.

    I love you.

    P.S. I already told [sister's name].
     
    #1 Retrospect, Sep 14, 2012
  2. Lance

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    The 2 things I would omit are the "Hey Guys" maybe instead put Dear Mom & Dad? and "I am not going out go gay bars with a fake ID trolling for guys in Lady GaGa costumes."

    Other wise it's pretty good and to the point.
     
    #2 Lance, Sep 14, 2012
  3. mustachedwaffle

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    I think that this letter is beautiful and I think they will appreciate it.

    I am a little iffy about the part where you say it isn't a big deal. They may not understand that part. You seem so confident about it and it may make them wonder why you didn't just tell them if you're so confident. Also, I might leave out the part about your sis. They may not understand and may wonder why you don't trust them as much as you trust her. That's just my opinion though.

    It is a wonderful letter and I wish you the best! :slight_smile:
     
    #3 mustachedwaffle, Sep 14, 2012
  4. Hidinginalabama

    Hidinginalabama
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    It's a really good letter. I hope they take it good and are accepting.
     
    #4 Hidinginalabama, Sep 14, 2012
  5. csocm

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    that's a really good letter, hope it all goes well
     
    #5 csocm, Sep 14, 2012
  6. Retrospect

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    Thanks everyone for the responses! I took out the Lady GaGa part - I thought it would help lighten the mood of the letter but I see it's actually a little offensive.

    Anyway, I printed them out and I'm giving them to my folks tomorrow. I hope it all goes well. They seem okay with gay people, but you never know how someone really feels about something until it affects them directly. :confused:
     
    #6 Retrospect, Sep 14, 2012
  7. Mirko

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    One thing to keep in mind is that "the seem okay with gay people". If they don't have any issues or any beliefs against homosexuality, your coming out should be going well.

    Good luck! Let us know how it all turns out.
     
    #7 Mirko, Sep 14, 2012
  8. Pain

    Pain Guest

    Today's that day, huh? Good luck. It's a nicely done letter, with a good tone, to signify a good relationship with your parents. It you can joke like that with them, then it's good, I think :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Pain, Sep 15, 2012
  9. armsoutfarther

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    Good luck! :icon_bigg I thought about writing a letter too but I just ended up stuttering and awkwardly telling them.
     
    #9 armsoutfarther, Sep 15, 2012
  10. jimL

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    I agree with Lance's comments. Otherwise I think you did a really good job...it was beautifully written. Hope it goes well.
     
    #10 jimL, Sep 15, 2012
  11. Ianthe

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    Let us know how it goes!
     
    #11 Ianthe, Sep 15, 2012
  12. Retrospect

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    I chickened out :bang: I was going to show them, but this morning at breakfast my dad went on this long rant about how much he hates President Obama and that he's gay and a muslim and all this stuff. Then, when my mom told him that he can't be gay because he has a wife and children he said "Well a fa**** is always a fa***** and we can't have a f** running the country they have no morals or values." It broke my heart :frowning2: He's so confusing. One day he'll seem fine with it and other days he's against it.

    I might just show my mom and see how she thinks my dad will react.

    :bang: :bang: :bang:
     
    #12 Retrospect, Sep 15, 2012
  13. Lance

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    I'm sorry your dad feels that way. It's perfectly fine to come out to one parent and not the other. Maybe even have her tell him at some point if you both think he'd react okay. Maybe by her telling him it would "soften the blow" and she could talk to him about it and help him deal with it better. And I wouldn't say you chickened out. Hearing stuff that like that would inhibit me and many others as well from going through with coming out at that time.
     
    #13 Lance, Sep 15, 2012
  14. jimL

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    I'm so sorry that happened. Now it's time to think of a different strategy. Maybe you could start off your letter now with something like:

    ...I was going to give you this letter the other night but the conversation about Obama hurt me deeply and I was afraid to give it to you for fear that you would hate me and that's the last thing that I would want, because I love you and wouldn't what my sexuality to get in the way of our relationship. As I thought more about it, I realized that I had to tell you at some point because neither being your son or being gay is going to go away.........

    Hopefully he will regret saying what he said. Maybe talking to your mom might be the way to go, as Lance suggested. Good luck dude. I really hope it works out for you. it' a tough place to be.
     
    #14 jimL, Sep 15, 2012
  15. TheSwagganator

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    The letter is great. And I don't blame you for not giving them the letter, with what happened; I'm not even man enough to tell my super left-wing parents. Just wait a day or two, put it somewhere they would find it, and go to a friends house for a bit until they call you.
     
    #15 TheSwagganator, Sep 15, 2012
  16. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there! Sorry to hear that it didn't end up the way you were hoping for. But that's okay. (*hug*)

    Trying to come out to your mom first, might be a good way to go about it, and get some feedback from your mom, before coming out to your dad.

    It is okay to take a bit of a break and give it a few days. Maybe after a few days try coming out to your mom, and see how it goes.
     
    #16 Mirko, Sep 15, 2012
  17. mnguy

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    Wow, this is so sad. Here you are getting ready to come out to them and your dad goes psycho. I really feel bad for you. I'm absolutely dumbfounded how anyone can be so ignorant about the President. He's not Muslim and if he was, so what? It's not something to hate someone for and then saying fag over and over, just shows hate. That mentality makes me think a person is really really stupid. :tantrum:

    Anyway, back to you. As suggested, maybe you can talk to your mom. How did she react to your dad's tirade? You could tell her how uncomfortable it made you feel. Stay confident in yourself and know that we are just as moral and good on average as straight people. In fact, I think we're more compassionate due to the struggles and discrimination we endure. Take care (*hug*)
     
    #17 mnguy, Sep 16, 2012
  18. Lewis

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    Love the letter. I agree with the fact that you should add some segment in there explaining how you were going to give them the letter before your dads outburst, describing how it made you feel.

    How do you have the confidence to do this...I really wish I could. UGH.
     
    #18 Lewis, Sep 16, 2012
  19. Retrospect

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    Honestly I don't. I guess because I'm just sick of not being able to be who I am in public. I just don't care what people think anymore. Life's too short, you know?
     
    #19 Retrospect, Sep 16, 2012
  20. Lewis

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    Very true. It just seems like there's no right time to do it, I wouldn't like to directly say 'I'm gay' because it's a bit of a cliche, I'd rather them like, guess? Idk.

    If I wrote a letter, I'd have nowhere to go and hide whilst they read it, none of my close friends really know that I'm gay. Only a few acquaintances know. I just wanna live my life...
     
    #20 Lewis, Sep 16, 2012
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