A story of acceptance

This is something I wrote at school last year. It's a personal narrative on something that has affected your life. Just thought I'd share it with you guys. It especially might help for those of you still unsure about your sexuality.


Throughout my life, I had always known somehow, that I was different. Even in elementary school, although I could not grasp it at the time, I knew there was something that separated me from the other kids.

I started noticing this “difference” around the time of fourth or fifth grade—the same time when boys and girls began liking each other. The problem with me was, being a boy, I never really liked the girls. I actually noticed the boys more than I did the girls. I noticed their hair, their clothes, and their build; basically how they looked. Although I did the same with the girls, it was different. And at that time I knew it was different, but I could not grasp what was different.

It still though, had little affect on me. Continuing on with life normally, I went to sleepovers, birthday parties, movies, jumped on giant trampolines, and played outside— everything that “normal” kids did.

By the time middle school came along I began to change. Many of my closest friends were lost not only due to the fact that my family had moved to a new neighborhood, but also because it seemed like everyone was now more interested in the opposite sex—which was unlike just a few years ago when if you even touched anyone of the opposite sex, you had “cooties”. But it didn’t really bother me, nor did I think much into it. I was making new friends, and so were they. Keeping myself occupied, I tried to stay current with all the middle school drama—the sixty-minute relationships, the “he cheated on you for her” dialogue, the “we’re best buddies” one day and “I hate you” the next day friendships. It was actually quite entertaining.

I even found myself getting involved with the drama. There was a girl who I had become familiar with, and I really liked her—in a friendly kind of way. I noticed that she had begun to take interest in me, and one day asked me out. Never having a girlfriend before, I undoubtedly said yes. I already knew I wasn’t going to like her in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, but seeing as how many of my friends, including the popular kids, were all “going out”, I decided it was time to join the bandwagon. She of course, started acting like a girlfriend around me—hugging me, wanting to hold hands, calling me at home—acts that normal couples would usually do. On the other hand, I got really annoyed and weirded out by her. We eventually “broke up”. Since then, every time I saw her, it was an awkward moment for me, and because of that, I never wanted another girlfriend again.

I found myself wondering, why didn’t I like her in that way? Why didn’t I like any girls that way? I told myself it was just a stage. Everyone goes through puberty at different times, I thought. Soon realization hit me that I had taken an interest in other guys. He’s hot, I would say to myself. Then later, grasping what was just in my head, I quickly cut off all thoughts in my mind that would make me seem gay. I didn’t even want to think of the word… “gay”, it made me literally want to punch myself. It’s just a stage, I thought again. But almost immediately, I began to change every aspect of my life to make sure I was not gay. I made sure I didn’t walk girly. I made sure I didn’t talk with a lisp. I even made sure I didn’t sleep with my wrists curled, because I thought it looked too feminine. But worst of all, I criticized gay people for no reason at all except for to show my peers that I was straight, not gay. Before long, my eighth year of education was over, and high school was on the horizon.

By ninth grade, I had spent so much time trying to change myself, I no longer knew who “myself” was. I had lost all of my good friends due to the splitting of our middle school. Although I did meet new people, they weren’t friends. They were more like acquaintances. I stopped having decent conversations with everyone, including my family members. I just never felt like talking. There was always a feeling in me that nothing was ever important to talk about, so I just didn’t bother. Plus, I was constantly worried about what others would think of me and how they would react. Too self-conscious to realize it, I made few whom I could call real friends.

Throughout the year, I naturally stared in the hallways, unable to keep myself from looking at the attractive men at school. Later I caught myself and wondered, what is my problem? I got angry over the fact that I could not control my own thoughts. Many nights I would lie in bed, and ask to myself, am I truly gay? I then wondered why out of the billions of people in the world, why I was gay? During those nights, I felt alone, and began to cry. What am I supposed to do? I thought. Trapped with no where to go, I sometimes contemplated suicide, thinking out what to write on the note to my parents. But then, realizing how much pain my family would be in if I were gone, I decided not to do it. So I continued to weep. All I wanted was someone to talk to. There was no one. I was lost…confused…empty… and in the end, I finally went to the one being in the world who I knew I could trust—my dog, Toby.

Walking down onto the stairs to where he always laid, I sat next to him and began to pet him. I asked him bluntly, “Toby, why am I gay?”

He ignored me.

“Why out of all the people in this world, do I have to be gay?” I continued, asking him the same questions I asked myself. But for some reason, it helped me recognize this time, maybe I was gay.

As the summer came, a chance opened for me to reunite and improve friendships at a summer music camp which I was counseling for. Instead of having to worry about school drama, we all had a focused goal, which was to help the kids. For the first time in a long time, I felt I had something in common with my peers. I wasn’t worried about what they would think of me, or how I should act. I was able to be myself. The summer improved my communication skills tremendously which prepared me for going back to the enormous social life of high school.

During my sophomore year, I renewed long time friendships, got to know more about my school acquaintances, and met many new people. However, deep down inside, there was still internal struggling with my homosexuality. Sure that I was gay, but not too sure, I visited some resource websites for gay people who are trying to come to terms with their sexuality as well. The sites talked about almost all of the problems I had been having, from being withdrawn and lonely, to hiding my feelings. They assured me that it was not just a “stage” I was going through. They also discussed acceptance, coming-out, pride, and life as a homosexual.

In one of the articles, there was a sentence. It was in bold letters, and it read, “Being gay is just another natural part of who you are.”

As I sat there, I stared at my computer screen and contemplated all which I had been through—the awkward girlfriend relationship, the staring in the hallways, the nights crying alone. I was finally certain. “I am gay,” I said to myself. And I was okay with that.