Coming out at age 40

I first questioned my sexuality at age 14. Talking with mom about it she told that many young men and women around my that age go though some confusion about who and what they are. She said in time it would work it self out. She had walked in my room when my best friend was over and almost caught us jacking off together. At that age mutual masturbation doesn't mean you anything but but horny or curios I know that now.

Deep inside I was already looking at other boys in school and in gym class. I didn't tell her that. I was ashamed of myself. When I was younger say in 4th and 5th grade I moved from the city to country. I didn't even know what being gay was. I had heard the word. Mom said it meant men that liked and women that liked other women. That was the end of the story. I had come from bigger more diverse school to much smaller rural school. That when the teasing and bullying started. I was called queer faggot etc. I saw the reactions from the orther kids and new it had to be bad. The bus ride home was longest I was last off the bus. My only saving grace we eventually we got a new driver that didn't tolerate that behaviour. I did dress different than most of the kids there. I wasn't into sports and mom raised me to be kind person and respectful of orther people. I have a dad to he was and is great person. He just worked alot and supported us he was never much of a talker. I'm just now getting to know my father over the past 5 years. He lost his dad at age 6, mom did all the parenting stuff. I was very close to my mom up untill she died this past spring I took care of her in my home with my wife and dad is still with us. If you can and are willing to do it talking care of parent in your home when they are growing older or sick and dying is beautiful thing. It added to all of lives 5 years ago when we combined households.

Mom raised me to be a thinker she said I was her intullectual. She taught me more than I ever learned about the world in school. She told me knowlege is power. She taught me stand up for those to weak to do it themselves. She said never stand silent when you see a injustice or degradation. If you do then your silence and fear is passive agreement. The older I got the stronger I got. I was still teased in school as time went by I still called names etc. It waxed and waned at times I felt like killing myself. I'm glad I never I did. Life so is beautiful and so precious.

I read alot in high school. Comic books were my thing the X-Men were my favorite they were mutants they were different and hated and feared. Most impotant they were heroes. I don't think at the time I understood why I liked them so much it was just cool. On subconsious level as I stated above they were hated and feared yet heroes. As I got older and smarter and stronger with more courage I started to fight back and evently it got better. Bully are cowards. Mom taught me you never had to but someone down to feel better about yourself. She drove that into and I exsperienced it all to much up and close.

Like most kids I didn't tell my parents. If you can tell your parent tell a teacher a cousoler. There are good people out there that maybe albe to help you. By the time I was 17 I was fantasizing about men and I knew I was gay. I was dating girls but not really into them.

When I was 18 I told mom I was gay. She told me that she loved me and always would. This was during a 4 hour argument that was very emotionally intense. Because she followed it with she couldn't accept it her reasoning was that I would get hurt and most likly get A.I.D.S. She said she didn't want that for me. She gave me a million reason why I couldn't be gay. It was this, it was that, is was being teased, it was because of my best friend. I know now that it was her fear not mine she was trying protect me and it was wrong. She had reasons it was 1990 and she was born in 1938. She saw alot in younger years. Her father was yes a real ganster he beat up people for living. She saw the young men in the city roll the older homosexual men beat them up and take thier money. It was a different time. Thier house got shot many times. She saw one man die at knife fight at clubhouse. She knew the world could be rough place. She was friece lioness when it came to her children. I think what she saw when she was so young just like what I experienced was infused in her mind. I'm not making excuses she was wrong but she she did love me. Yet at time it was thrented abandoment. Because she said she didn't want see those things happen to me. Funny note about her dad my grandfather I never believed the stories untill 1984 when he died and very old men in limos showed up at the funneral.

I so i gave up I was broken and enabled. I let it happen because of my fear she and my famliy wouldn't love me. So i with drew from life for a while like a year and half went college secretly exsperimented with guys continued to date women. With men I met it always came down to sex. I was doing it in secret and so were they. Not the best way to meet men on phone lines etc. I was young and stupid and didn't want to be gay. So I stopped it all at 23.

I started dating a girl who I met when I was 14. I felt loved by her and I still am. We married shortly after. It's been 16 years it was very real and she is amazing person. We have 2 children togther. A girl age 4 and a boy 10. We built a good life togther. I was still gay the whole time. I spent so much energy fabricating a lie about my self it was my orther fulltime job. It was emotionally draining.

I'm actually a great person with alot of love in my heart. I felt like I was dying on the inside I was. Trying to be a good parent and telling my children not to lie. Yet I had lied for 16 years to myself my wife and the world. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't be false role model to my kids. Where my mom had failed I resolved I would not. Parents try look at what thier parents did wrong and right and if they have a brain they try not repeat those mistakes. I had to live up person I wanted to be including the better things my mom taught me.

It was a evolution of me. I won't lie ever again about anything so impoartant as being person I am completly. The hardest part was telling my wife the truth it was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt like I was tearing her soul apart. We are struggling though it and trying to stick the beleifs we share. It's hard and it sucks sometimes. We are in cousoling to save our relationship not our marriage for our childrens sake but we doing it some days are hard some day are rough that's life. Then I look at my children and that beautiful.


So far all the friends and family I have come out to still love me. Some may not as word spreads and that's ok. For the first time in my life I feel like real man and I am owning my mistakes and my future. That has set me free. I'm going take what I have learned and remeber my mistakes to make differnce in the world and it started with me.

Love Rob

---------- Post added 25th Sep 2012 at 01:39 AM ----------

Please excuse any errors type o etc I am tired but I had to do this.

Peace

 

It's a hard mix. We are doing it and that is great. Honesty is hard but worth it.