Here's a longish group of thoughts and blogs I put together when I came out to a friend.... 1/14/2008 10:06 PM I told one of my very best and oldest friends that I was Transgendered today. He had contacted me to send us a Holiday Card and finally called me this weekend from the middle of Texas; he was driving to Atlanta to drop off a car for his son. We met when I was home for college one summer; we shared an interest in dope, music and the stuff kids are interested in; we met when we were the age our kids are now. We ran in the same circle of friends and later we spent a lot of time together as families drinking wine (and in my case; anything) and cooking big hunks of meat. They were great times I treasure just for their own sake. I called him back at lunch today, and we did a lot of catching up. He and his wife separated, which has turned out to be very much for their mutual good; his three kids are all doing well. I couldn't lie to him; we kept talking around the ten year chaotic hole in my life and I finally blurted it out: I'm trans. He was, as he always was, a thoughtful and loving listener. I had to cut our lunch conversation short, and promised we would talk back in L.A. On the way home, it began to nag me that I might have left the impression that I was out to God and everybody (well..God does know) and I wanted clarify it, even if I left just a message. We talked for 43 minutes. The damage we do to ourselves by hiding and lying about our lives is painfully obvious when you tell someone who was your best friend all about yourself at long last; it's like reclaiming lost territory. He reaffirmed a few things for me. He talked about what a desperately determined drinker I was, and said now he understood my need to numb the pain. "Jesus" he said "Your life suddenly had no floor" That was his response when I explained my "lost years" when I was simultaneously facing being trans(mostly denying and questioning it) and getting sober. When I told him about how everything had shifted, including my sexuality, he said "Wow....Well we all knew one thing; your sexuality was never something that you seemed to grasp; it just bewildered you. We didn't think you were gay, you just never seemed to land anywhere" The main thing is: he listened, and he gets it. I am seen and known, which is all I have ever really wanted from anyone. Someone told me once that our brains can't distinguish between the past, future or present in terms of experience. That can be good news: you can literally change your past experience. more to come. __________________________________________ Letter to my friend D**, after the conversation: To: D** Subject: Welcome back to L.A.... D**.. So great talking to you; we'll do it again. The reason it's great talking to you is because you actually listen; I guess that's the idea of "conversation". I may have prattled a bit, but well..it was just good talking to you. This is the page my closest friends see. I chose the name "Darya" because of a woman I was under the spell of art Denver; I probably wanted to be her. She was a Daria: I added the "y" on an Internet whim and suddenly got lots of IM's from Persian guys. It turns out that my name is Farsi for "ocean" and a popular name for women (and some men, too). http://www.myspace.com/divadarya I actually made my living running a tranny store for a year and got to be a pretty good makeup artist. God, the shit people don't know about me.... anyway..I look forward to seeing you (when you can) back in L.A. (boy name) ___________________________________________________________________ Another letter, headed "post script" 1/20/2008 D**... I know this is a big adjustment; It's a huge thing for everyone whose life I have touched, and me. If you need a little time to mull this, I get it. That's all. I value our friendship, and I'm still in here. (boy name) _________________________________________________________________________ D**'s reply, 1/21/2008 No kidding. I didn't look at your my space. I don't want to lie to you. I did see a new picture of you on **** when I looked up your work credits to block out a time line. You looked happy. I don't want to say anything that is going to hurt you, or undermine you. However, I can't talk to you and listen to what you say you've done and bear the mental images, it's all too rough. I'm not going to be able to function as your sounding board. I don't even see how we can meet for a catch up session. Unfortunately, there are things you're doing that I don't want to be caught up on. You are one of a half-dozen friends I've made in my life. It's your life, I'm not fighting you on this, but I'm not able to go along with you, either. It's just not my cup of tea, and I expect you don't need my negative shit dragging you down. I wish you good fortune. I'll check back in a few months to ask if you're well. I hope everything works out great for you. Love, D** ______________________________________________________________________________ My Blog, tonight, 1/21/2008 reclaiming(post script) Current mood: sad Category: Friends My Friend from the past just sent me an email; he can't handle the idea of me being trans, at least not right now. He didn't lecture me, but did say he was having trouble with the mental images of me. He was honest and direct, I have to give him credit for that, and didn't cut things off with me, just said he couldn't act as my sounding board. I'm sure I was expecting too much, desperately hoping that I could change the tone of that bell that rang ten years ago, if not unring it. I'm going to be honest about how I feel about it: I feel stupid.I feel stupid for thinking I can somehow control the reconciliation of a long history and a blazing revelation. I know I'm not stupid: I'm just trans. I'm taking a long and deep breath..maybe a few nights sleep, before I reply.I really do know he is being honest and doing his best, but I have feelings too; people aren't gonna learn to fucking deal with us until we express ourselves. I've been reading books about shame and about how growing up in an alcoholic environment affects how one sees things(My mom was Alcoholic, my Dad a raging, untreated co-dependent). The message, if I had a problem, concern or a need was always: "We don't want to hear about it, we don't talk about those unpleasant things" built around that rigid WW2 Veteran code... MY Dad was a perfectionist and I was expected to be perfect. I figured out I was trans(not specifically...I knew I was different, even weird) when I was about 12, so I began to try and figure out some identity I could survive with. I went for nerdy, withdrawn, shy, flying under the radar; I fucked things up before I could be criticized or shot down. If I controlled things by fucking up, I had some kind of control. I was so ready for alcohol and pot when I was 17. fuck..I'm rambling....I'm sorry....I feel hurt....I went from high to very low. Thank God I have a group of sane and caring trans friends and a even larger group of women and sober friends to remind me how blessed I am in that department. I was in the supermarket today with my wife (that's yet another story) and I had seen a woman walk in wearing a long skirt and boots. I thought nothing until I saw her from the back; tall as I, skinny hips, big shoulders....bingo. She looked good, actually. She was about thirty, just shopping for food....I so wanted to be her...actually just be me, doing what she was doing. I think my very wise therapist was right; we trans men and women are actually forced to self-realize in this lifetime, ready or not. I was a white male at the top of the food chain whose life fell apart because "he" was living inauthentically; our culture will tell you that it's stupid to "throw that away". What if "that" had no intrinsic value, until one is able to be comfortable in one's own skin? Does Britney "have it made"? I'm hurt, and I'll get over it. Pain is a persistent teacher. _________________________________________________ I sent him a kind of "I understand " letter after that..being a door mat(no reply, BTW)...then I though about it. __________________________________________ 1/26/2008 12:42 PM On second thought, after seeing my very wise therapist... Current mood: FREE!!!! Category: FREE!!!! Friends --The letter I should send, but won't(I don't need to).-- Dear (long time friend who just blew me off because I am trans), On re-reading my letter to you, where I gush nurturingly over your apparent existential panic about my gender identity, I've decided that I sold myself short. I really don't need your approval, support or even a second thought; it's your life, and mine is too short to sweat yours. I've always been me, and what made me crazy was thinking I needed to be someone I wasn't; we call that "fitting in" or "socialization". "Fitting In" meant becoming an insanely alcoholic wage slave in the Hollywood dream machine, insatiably wanting more to fix the inner abyss I felt. I was disconnected in plain sight of everyone, reduced to a camera-schlepping solid citizen in debt up to his eyeballs in his 3200 sq ft home in the heart of Breederville, USA. My life broke in smithereens and that's what saved me: I found out that I'm as tough as nails and also that I like to paint my nails (love a nice set of pink-and-whites, even though it's hell on the nail beds) I was a depressed and miserable guy and I am a fierce, funny, sober rockin' older sistah. I don't want to bum your trip (in the language of our day) but I also see no reason to have you bum mine; it's a very small crowd outside the of unwashed Trans-and-Homo-Phobic majority in this dumbass country, and I need to know who's with me and who's agin me. I'm so glad my friend Michele( black belt and sword mistress) showed me that I can be compassionate and still defend myself; "You're crazy, now go away" Don't tread on me. Who I was is safe in the museum of your memory; Who I am and have always been is out here in the world slowly making her way, still funny, still passionate and still a loving parent to two kids who deserve all of me, without reservation. The truth sucks, sometimes. I know, I avoided it for years. I abide, my darling; may we meet in peace down the road. Darya formerly known as(boy name) (!):eusa_clap :smilewave
You're one brave lady, sweets. Good for you in standing up for yourself! It's a tough step to make to cut people off, but sometimes you do need to look out for number one first. I'm sure that D** will come around in time, however. He honestly seems like a fairly thoughtful guy. He did say that he wanted to take some time to think about it. That's more reasonable than a lot of responses you could have received. It's probably an effect of the shock at finding out such a role-reversing change. He's going back through all of the memories and trying to find which ones feel authentic and which have overtones he didn't notice before. It'll take time, but if he's a true friend you should hopefully hear from him in good time. (*hug*)
Wow. You are an absolute inspiration. Its people like you who make the rest of us feel as if we can be who ever we like without needing to listen to other people's opinions. I really admire your strength and serenity. Goodluck with wherever you choose to take your wonderful life.
I was going to type a response - but it would be pretty much an exact copy of Astorath's very well put together post. Power to you - but I agree, don't write him off...
Thanks...That's why I DIDN'T send that letter but a rather nice one I'll post later.... I love being here(ps..taken me almost ten years to get that serenity and I had lots of help)
Darya, your friend is going through the same stages of grief that we parents go through when our kids come out. He is in classic denial by choosing not to interact with you as the beautiful woman that you now are. Maybe he'll come out of that stage some day and move into another one eventually finding acceptance. Maybe he won't. I can tell you that you will gain many many more friends by living your true authentic life. I recently called my old high school friends for a girls weekend at the beach. I was pretty let down and disappointed because they all said their lives were just too busy to take the time to do this. As we've learned this week from the passing of our good friend Jerry and my friend Sue, life is too short for this crap. We love our friends for life or they weren't really our friends to begin with. We're so happy to have you here and that you are sharing your experiences with us. (*hug*)
Becky, Thanks...the "stages of grief" thing is really useful in the coming out process because many people DO view our coming out as a "death" of the person they knew. What I've found is that the past will suck you down with it like a vortex;it's lonely on this weird paths sometimes, but also beautiful,clear and rewarding. thanks D
