Feeling and healing the grief

I am going through my second and last coming out process, and feeling the grief of not honoring myself sooner. I have been so dishonest with myself. I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality and so I slid back into the closet and stayed there for years.
I have tons of anger around keeping things safe for myself rather than risking rejection and being who I am. I kept things safe for family and friends too, but mostly for me because I couldn't be strong and handle the repercussions.
Interestingly enough, not one person has rejected me in my second coming out process. If anything I have witnessed profound love and unconditional acceptance through this process. It shocks and comforts me at the same time because the first time I came out I was rejected by many. I think I just wasnt ready and was rejecting myself back then, so rejection came back to me.
Coming out a second time, knowing full well how difficult it was the first time, is an indicator of growth in my process to accept my sexuality.
I want to become so comfortable with this area of my life that I celebrate it as the ultimate expression of the love that is inside me. I have to cry and grieve out the anger and repressed feelings first though, in order to get to that deep well of love that lives in me.
I have only cried with my entire body once before. When my dad died. The grief was unbearable. I lost my best friend. My hero. The one who got me.
In denying my sexuality I lost a huge part of myself. Hence the intense grief. I am finding the friend in me again. I am saying to the girl inside me that she matters, and she isnt lying, and she isnt going through a phase, she isnt weird for having these feelings. She is beautiful and she can forgive herself for believing that what she felt at age 9 was wrong. It wasnt wrong - she was speaking her truth. Not to harm anyone or make them feel uneasy - but to express who she was - a part of who she was.
Now I am rediscovering another piece of who that girl is. She's angry yet craving the love that she knows is in her. She wants to blossom. She's ready to grieve and let the tears melt the anger so that she can live happy and free. Feeling right about who she is - all of who she is.
This time I welcome the grief because i know I am making room for love. I am uncovering love every time I get brave enough to release and feel the grief over not honoring the love in me the truth in me.
In all of my humanness I know that when the grief is gone, I will forget the pain and say "gee that was easy" and conveniently forget the waves that I went through to get to that place of acceptance and love. I guess that must be grace. I jokingly call it the "omg I got through that - deer in the headlights look coupled with selective amnesia."
Many of the people I have come out to have said "its your life, live it." "I love you no matter what." I am starting to use their words, and say "Its my life, and I love me no matter what."
Coming out and staying out also validates that yes, I am sexual - we all are. So many times I have heard comments negating this part of me because I have a disability. I am asexual - and then knowing I was attracted to women just added to the negativity around my sexuality. Intellectually I know that my sexuality is sacred and another form of love expressing through me. My heart is starting to receive that as my truth.
I am not sure I would go back and change anything. At 44 I have grown into knowing myself and it feels good. There are no mistakes in life - if I had followed that, yes the process could have been easier. It still is what it is and I can not go back and rearrange situations.
I havent come out again to my mom. Our relationship will not be helped by it. I also have grown into the need for my own approval, and have let go of my often desperate need for her approval. I am who I am with or without the blessings of family.
It feels good to share this - I have learned a lot from the posts here - thank you for being a part of my healing process.

 

Thanks for the welcomes - yes, self acceptance and love are indeed major victories - and the honesty is the first step for me. Thanks again for the encouragement and validation.