Mom already knows?

Now, after reading a lot of the coming out stories on this site and support people are offering, it got me thinking. Why am I keeping it so secret. Why does it matter. My parents have always promised to love me unconditionally regardless of what I choose to do with my life. But, the more I think about it, the more I get this nagging suspicion that my mother already knows.

As early as I can remember in my life, my parents have always been wonderfully supportive of my brother and me. One of the first serious things I can remember hearing from them was the fact that they wanted us to be happy in our life, and gay or straight, married or single, with kids or without, they were going to support us. Now as I think back, this is probably one of the single most important things they ever taught to me. But here's where I sort of get lost in the details.

I've always been far more attached to my mother than my father, and the opposite for my brother. My parents (more my father actually) would always jokingly tease my brother about who he had a crush on or if he was gonna' go out with the girl who kept calling the house. Now its important to remember they weren't being mean, my brother understood they were just teasing, and he'd tease my father back. Now my mom never stopped him from doing that. But when it came to me, things were different. This girl who had a crush on me was calling me maybe four times a day, and my dad would stop on by my room and do the whole routine he usually did with my brother. However, this time, my mother would always stop by the room and would repeat that line, "We'll she likes him, but it's okay if he doesn't like her. We support whatever you want to do, you don't have to feel pressured to date those girls." My dad would joke around a bit more, it was all in good fun. But it's only now I realize that my mother was possibly sending some messages.

Fast forward to Christmas dinner. I had not dated anyone in roughly four months then, and my brother being jokester in the family asked me when I'm gonna' go get myself a new girlfriend. I started feeling really awkward (but hid it pretty well if I do say so myself). My dad interrupted and started bugging my brother about when HE will get a new girl and they do the whole joking around routine. Not a single word out of my mom. Then my brother gets back to me and keeps grilling me with questions, and then right on time, without a flaw or missed word, my mom chimes in "He doesn't have to date if he doesn't want to, besides, he doesn't need to rush into dating. He knows we'll support him (at this part of the mini speech she looked right at me) with whatever he decides to do, and if he doesn't want to date right now that is fine."

What has me thinking, is the fact that they only said this maybe three times to my brother in his life to this point, but my mother always chimes in with this line almost every time I'm being asked about dating and girlfriends. Now, I've always been the shy, nervous, low self confidence one of the family.. so, could my mom be saying this to just help boost my self-confidence.. or do you think on some weird level she's picked up hints I didn't know I was sending over the years and knows I'm gay. I've never EVER given any direct hint about it to any member of the family..of course there were some very indirect hints I may have dropped when I was young (I'm talking 5/6 years old) like my fav band at the time, the fact I had only girls for friends, and my general demenour was very.. I don't know, effeminate. However I've not been like that for six or seven years, I grew out of that as I matured. But it's really got me thinking why she is always repeating that to me. I don't know if it's because we're really really attached to each other that she feels a little more protective of me then my brother, or if she could possibly already know.

Thoughts?

 

Well I've definitely been considering coming out.. this site has helped boost my confidence in that area, but that's not confirmed yet.
I think I would tell my mom first though.

 

Well you guys are certainly doing a good job at convincing me.. I'm considering it now more than ever. I'm getting all butterflies-in-the-stomach thinking about it though..

I got lots of good feedback from you all, so thanks for every comment. I've got lots to think about now..

But keep the comments coming if you've got stuff to say, I would certainly welcome more opinions.

 

I like the idea of giving others courage, but I don't think I'm gonna' go come out immediately. I've decided after all the feedback I'm going to do it sometime.. but I still have some thinking to do, and deciding how I'll tell her.

 

Thanks, a very helpful post. And I didn't mean to make it sounds like guys were pressuring me to come out.. I never took it that way. Just meant that I've got a lot to think about, and that it's more likely I'll come out after getting some feedback.

 

Haha, now THAT would be an interesting convo.