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How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy account!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by pandas, Oct 1, 2012.

  1. pandas

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    With a lot of patience from my boyfriend, I was finally able to tell him that I am bisexual. Honestly I had no idea the kind of satisfaction and relief I would gain from that moment.

    I've known that I was interested in girls for a long time...years, even. I watched lesbian porn, was intrigued by lesbians I met in person, and also wanted to experiment with girls. I was never able to deal with these feelings until I came to the magical, independent land of college. For reasons including family and social situations, I was worried about the repercussions of even "deciding" to come to terms with my sexuality. Also, a few people I know personally have told me of their doubts of the existence of bisexuality. I have been worried for so long that if I chose to label myself as bi, people might not believe me...or even that I would change my mind, and I'd have to awkwardly "take it back" or something.

    When I finally admitted to myself that I was bisexual (about 2 years ago), it still took me until very recently to even consider talking to anyone else about it. I did try having an online dating account where I listed myself as bi in order to meet other girls, but I kept coming across people I knew in real life (both male and female) and freaked out, deciding to just delete my account. There were also many instances in which my friends would talk about bisexuality, and I would get very shy and uncomfortable. I have had crushes on girls in the past, and felt so awkward around them that I would always run away. I don't really even have any close lesbian or bi friends, or really even female friends for that matter (for some reason I have always felt most comfortable around guys), so I've felt in the dark for a pretty long time. What I really needed...the entire time...was to just say it out loud...to somebody close to me.

    In the last two weeks, I tried mustering up the strength to tell my boyfriend about my bisexuality many, many times. My heart would race, my stomach filled with butterflies, and the inner tension built unbearably...and I would give up, hoping that I'd have enough courage another time. Repeat ad infinitum. At night I would fall asleep next to my boyfriend feeling completely miserable because I still hadn't gotten it off my chest. I tried texting him "Hey there's something I have to tell you later!" while we were at a party, but later when he asked me what it was, I lied and just said "I love you!"

    I made all sorts of silly, failed attempt to tell him until the night I told him actually came around. I said "Tell me a secret!" with the hopes that he'd respond accordingly, and create an opening for me to share what I had to say. Unfortunately he just laughed and said "You can't just ask someone that!" and I responded with a meek "Sure you can...". He gave me a lame excuse for a legit "secret" and my plan had somewhat failed. We kept talking and I couldn't bear the inner conflict anymore, so I just said "Can I tell you something I haven't told anyone before?". It took an additional 5 minutes of discussion and warming up for the big pitch, but the words "I'm bisexual" (with a tortured, awkward inflection) finally came out of my mouth. It seemed so unnatural for me to say! My heart was racing and I honestly had no idea what to think. I am a very private person, and I don't open up to people very easily, so this was a very hard thing to do for me. However, my boyfriend was very understanding (I secretly knew he would be, but was more concerned with my own feelings about coming out), and talked with me about all my feelings for the remainder of the night. It even turned him on, and then we had hot sex, ha!

    When I share a personal piece of information, I feel like a little bit of my soul has been exposed. I had been battling with myself for SO LONG about whether to deal with that little part of me that I simply couldn't take it anymore, and decided I had to do something about it.

    So there, that's how it happened. I really just wanted to get this out to really understand my feelings a little better. I don't know if anyone will benefit from this, if they even managed to get all the way through this novel of a post, but it's my true account of things as they actually happened! I feel SO relieved now, and SO much more comfortable with myself. I even told my best friend today. I am not going to go around telling everybody, but now that I am comfortable with it and have already told the two closest people to me, I know I can tell other people as necessary with little hesitation.

    I feel better. Way better. :slight_smile:
     
  2. anonymousjane

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Wonderful story! I can definitely relate to your feelings about coming out... it's so hard to just do it. I'm so glad your boyfriend's so open. It's always lovely to hear about such smooth coming-out stories :slight_smile:
     
  3. metoo

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    congradulations, you are peeking out of your closet
     
  4. Flutterby

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Pandas, I totally relate to your story. I had a great (although not committed) relationship with my boyfriend when I came out to him. I had fallen in love with another woman and just couldn't get her off my mind. Telling my boyfriend about my feelings took everything that I had. Good on you for finding the courage. Please trust me when I say that you will find a way of living which means that you can be you. That can only be good for you. (((Hugs))).
     
  5. Cassandra

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    I was worried when you said it felt unnatural to say it. When I accepted I am bisexual, I said it loud, and I felt relieved, I felt like something clicked in the right place.

    So I was worried maybe your feeling unnatural was a sign of a wrong chose. BUT after you said you now feel relieved, and want to tell other people, I understand you made the right choice, so I see I didn't need to worry after all!(*hug*)

    So, contratulations for getting the courage to tell them! And greetings!!
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Congratulations.
     
  7. Gina x

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Hi

    I know this thread was posted last year but i just wanted to sy i am in the exact same position the problem is i know i like girls aswell BUT ive never acted on it and the secret is bursting to come out and i dont know whether i should tell my long term boyfriend or not ?

    Please help

    Gina x
     
  8. Peach

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Hi Gina, I am in the same place as you, I've actually just started a thread about this (a truly massive amount of text, my apologies). I'm also really afraid of telling my boyfriend of seven years, I'm afraid it's too late, and also wonder if there's any point in risking our relationship. After all, I don't have any plans to break up with him and elope with a girl... if anything, this will make him insecure :frowning2: but he deserves to know, and I deserve peace. Right? To top it all off, I've never even physically been with a girl, so what 'proof' do I have other than my own thoughts and feelings? I'm conflicted.
    I'm hoping that my boyfriend's love for me will be enough, and I think if your boyfriend truly loves you then he'll want to know you, all of you! Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck, and above all you shouldn't let yourself suffer.
    Put yourself in his shoes: if he were bisexual would you want him suffering in silence to 'protect' you from the truth about his sexuality?
    I try to follow my own advice, and I'm working really hard to get the confidence together to tell him.
    Pandas: thank you for this post, it has helped me a lot.
    P
     
  9. pandas

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Hi Peach and Gina!

    My oh my, how much has changed since one year ago. I just happened to be scrolling EC to notice that people read this post. My boyfriend has been very accepting of my sexuality but we haven't really talked much about it lately. Little did I know last year I was about to gain some LGBT friends through work and start to explore my sexuality more. I had sex with a girl and my boyfriend pretended to be okay with it but he was still uncomfortable. I felt strange and weird about it because I mostly did it just because I felt like I had something to prove. My first time with a girl didn't turn out at all how I wanted it to. I was dissatisfied and left wanting more...so I went back for more behind my boyfriend's back. A few times.

    Our relationship is definitely at a crossroads. I need to be honest with him. I need to explain to him that I need to explore my sexuality and that I don't feel like I even know myself. I'm glad that I've at least come this far, but there is so much I've kept from him. We are best friends and we live together now but I can't help but feel like he needs me more than I need him. I wish I had brilliant expert advice to give but I'm sort of just stumbling through this, and I'm 22 now. I feel like I should have gotten things figured out by now but I have no idea what I want anymore.

    All I can say is that communication is important, and that you shouldn't try to prove your sexuality to anyone. Take your time and let things happen naturally. Do what you need to do and be honest with yourself. Dishonesty only prolongs the process. So, Gina, you should tell your long term boyfriend. If he doesn't accept you then he's obviously not worth your time.

    Peach, I really like the way you phrased, "if he were bisexual would you want him suffering in silence to 'protect' you from the truth about his sexuality?" Of course, I would never want him to suffer. I would only want to help him. Sometimes I wish my boyfriend were bisexual. That definitely sounds messed up. Sometimes I wish we were in an open relationship, though.

    I think you should tell your boyfriend how you feel. He'll probably be pleasantly surprised, and I doubt he'll be worried. Not that you intend to cheat, but I read a study that men are less likely to feel threatened by the prospect of their girlfriends cheating with another woman because they don't feel that it threatens their paternal instinct. How pigheaded is that? They think ultimately a woman cannot provide what they "innately" provide women so their girlfriends will eventually have to come back to them. Yuck. But anyway, thanks to that stereotype (or hopefully in spite of it) your boyfriend will support you no matter what. You've been together 7 years but who knows, maybe telling him will bring you closer? Or maybe it will open you up for more self discovery? In my opinion it's better to be honest....

    It's quite interesting to see how things have turned out. I'll try to keep this page updated. So much has happened...
     
    #9 pandas, Nov 3, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2013
  10. byebyebaby

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Pandas, I am struggling with a similar situation as a closeted bisexual. Your story made me cry because I so badly want to tell my friends what is going on in my life and I'm afraid to. I am dating a boy but I am unsure if I like him and I could never tell him that I am bisexual. I am stuck behind a wall of confusion and no one is there to help me climb over. My friends don't even know that I am struggling with my sexuality. I want to tell someone so badly! This is so hard.
     
  11. sandcastles

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    My boyfriend and I are both 19. We go to different colleges, so we're long distance right now. Today, I told my boyfriend (of almost 5 months) that I'm bisexual. I wish I told him the last time I saw him in person, but I couldn't hold it back any longer. It was a huge weight off my chest. I also told four of my best friends today. Everyone responded well and said they support me and are always there to talk. I feel a lot better now. My boyfriend, who I knew was a strong supporter of gay rights, said he had no idea, but that it doesn't affect the way he feels about me. He said he's surprised that we have more in common than he thought (I mention girls, especially models, who I think are beautiful, etc. all the time, and no one bats an eye). He feels bad that I've never actually been with a girl, and since I'm with him (we're exclusive), I'm not experiencing that part of my sexuality, but I guess that's a better response than "cool, when are we having a threesome?" I'm so glad I told him and my friends, and part of me wishes I had sooner, but I needed a lot of time to think about it and be sure. I'm studying abroad next semester and we both agreed to stay exclusive, and he said this doesn't change anything, and he still trusts me 100%. My friends were also surprised, they somehow haven't been able to tell, but my best friend (a 21 year old gay man I've been best friends with since the beginning of high school) said that though he didn't see this coming, it does explain certain things (primarily the fact that I talk about models and attractive female celebrities on a daily basis). I feel like I have a lot of support, but I don't think coming out is going to change much about my life, because I'd love nothing more than to be with my boyfriend forever, but it is a part of my identity, and I want people to know. It has been an emotional day, but I'm glad I made the right decision to finally come clean about who I am, after years of denying my identity and ignoring my feelings about women. I hope everyone in a similar situation has equally understanding people in their lives. XOXO
     
  12. Haosthunder

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Thats so amazing :slight_smile:
     
  13. WhisperLoom

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    Re: How I finally told my boyfriend and best friend that I'm bisexual: A lengthy acco

    Pandas, I only just read your coming out story today, even though it's an old post. Your story could have been me, and my coming out bi to my gf a year ago., with all it's missteps and insecurities. It truly takes a ton of courage to do what you did; I'm proud of you! I hope that through your exploration of your sexuality you are able to really find yourself and be comfortable with yourself. Here's to you!