Just going to be posting a, ..., some length overview of my life kind of more for me to just write things out sort of my life story comment if you want, would be interested in what you think though im having trouble with writing down the more recent events, probably due to them just happening and still working them out -kind of just vomited words- ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2012 at 10:04 PM ---------- Spoiler One thing to keep in mind, when something bothers me I avoid it like the plague and ignore that it ever happened and have as much fun as I can, thus I probably seemed happy to everyone else because I never did anything that made me feel awkward. Thus I'm a very reserved person, at least irl. Well I guess I'll start at the beginning, my first memories. When I was 2 and onward, I could remember that I thought of myself as me, some may thing of a gender with themselves, not me. I knew I was a guy, not that hard to figure out, everyone calls you a he, people say you’re a boy etc. So, ok I'm a boy, but foremost I'm me. Another thing starting from when I was young was the fact that I would never go to the bathroom standing up, my parents tried, my uncle gave peeing on tree lessons, but no matter what people did I didn't want to. Even if it would be easier to do so, I wouldn't/couldn't. I actually never did pee standing up until I tried it when I was 13 a few times and then I just never really did it again. Next earliest thing is that I use to play dress up with my sister, though I stopped doing so, it was because of the embarrassment I felt in front of people other than my sister, boys are not suppose to wear dresses. My sister and me were and still are really close; we would do everything together, from playing with Barbies to playing wiffle ball to videogames to painting etc. What I played with didn't really matter, but did prefer blocks and Legos. I also went shopping with her and grandma, I'd get a Lego/videogame, and my sister would shop for clothes/other stuff, was never annoyed about going with them, and actually came to like it. When I was older I even helped my sister pick out some clothes, though going shopping ended around when I turned 13. Also around that time was when I really started to question my gender, always felt out of place with my guy friends, never really felt like one of the guys, though never really had that many girl friends, right now I don't have any, which is kind of annoying since I think it would have been easier to tell them about me being trans. I mostly liked "guy" things so that's also probably why I didn't have many girl friends. My questioning of my gender was pretty much prompted by a dream I had. I was somewhere with all my friends, then there was a machine. We were all forced to go in it and when we came out we were the opposite gender. Stuff happened then we got the chance to go back it. I was last in line, and when my turn came around I refused to go in. So yeah, can't really interpret that the wrong way. At 13 I also found out what porn was from my friends, questioned what gender I liked, have always like Yaoi (Yaoi fan girl), what gender I should be/am, and how sex worked. I also tried on my sisters clothes around then. I was practically obsessed with wearing her clothes and did it as much as possible but I didn't want anyone to find out. But as always you get caught trying to hide something. I eventually got caught by my mom. It was awkward, I knew I liked it and that I wanted to be a girl but that seemed like a fantasy to me, since I had no clue that people could change there gender. Thus I thought to myself how could I be a girl when I'm a guy. I told her after some prodding that I was curious and that I won't wear my sister’s clothes again. I was curious that was true but that was only part of it and as for stopping, that lasted awhile but I eventually started again. My mom then sent me to a therapist to check on my possible gender issues and for my anxiety, have really bad anxiety for public speaking and things that make me uncomfortable. Well the therapy went well for the anxiety stuff, but I completely pushed away the therapist when he asked me about dressing in my sisters clothes. I told him I was curious and there is nothing else there (he listened to me and didn't touch on the subject again; he should have saw how standoff of the subject I was and tried to figure it out through less direct means). Though I got what I wanted, at the time, avoid things that make me uncomfortable. When I look back, I wish my therapist was actually more pushy on that subject or told me that it was possible for a guy to become a girl, thus making me want to come out earlier. I think it would have been easier, but what's done is done. At the end of figuring everything out at this stage, I still liked girls (for the most part), still felt fine as a guy (though I knew I should be a girl, I just concluded that I couldn't do anything about it), and my testosterone was probably starting to rage then so felt ok being a guy. I have never dated anyone though I asked out/wanted to ask out 3 different girls. I really like this girl and she was part of my friend circle, not close but still part. She did something to my best friend B and hurt him, and thus they were no longer friends, and so I was also no longer friends with her. One thing you can guess from this is that I am one of those friends that would put bros before hoes, my friends seemed more important to me than women. Now on to a different one, I want to the prom with the girl I "asked out" (just asked her to prom). I tried to hang out with her beforehand to get to know her better, but she just turned me down every time. Later I found out she still liked someone she dated before, actually my friend C (though I do get to kiss him, more on that later). My friend C was going to go with someone else, but then didn't in the end. Anyways I still went to the prom with her, but she pretty much ignored me the whole time. I also just wanted to have one dance with person I went to the prom with but she wouldn't even do that. So I just said fuck it and did my own thing that night (people actually said they never saw me so outgoing in their lives, looked like a different person >.>). If I could describe myself in high school it would be nerd and nicest student in my class. Don't think anyone really disliked me, never got into fights with anyone and would help anyone out if they needed help. Funny example; there was this one time when my best friend A was making fun of me to some girl jokingly. She said why would you say something like that about David (birth name) and scolded him saying he's such a nice guy. My best friend A tries to tell her he is joking and is friends with me, but she is still defending me. He told me afterwards. Side note: I knew him since we were little. I kind of always wanted to hang out with him and do everything that he did even if I really didn't want to, did it because I would be with him. Didn't really noticed I had a crush on him until like last year, when I thought back to all the times I was with him. Also went to college with him and he was my roommate freshmen year. Would have loved to date him but he is straight, and again I say only if I was a girl. Now college; during my first year I hung out with the guys on the floor and that's it except for once when I hung out with a girl and played badminton with her but it just fell apart. Each year onward I just hung out with new and old friends, all guys. Kind of just wanted to have fun study and not worry about trying to date. Although throughout college I started to try and figure things out. By the end I knew I had an interest in guys and also cross dressed a bit more when I was home from school. I then graduated from college and now back home working in retail with a bachelor's degree in engineering .... Up through this time I have always never liked my facial hair/body hair (though is might not shave because I was lazy), my lowering voice, looking at myself/pictures of myself (say to myself that's not me, though I knew it was) and I tried to avoid anything that had gender or sexual orientation indications, even if only jokingly, never made any remarks about girls (you know how guys are, and I'm not one). Though I liked pictures of me as a kid, I was so cute, have always thought of myself that way, was a big let down when people stopped saying I was cute to saying I was handsome. You can say I hated myself, though never really contemplated suicide seriously since I had a strong aversion to it, probably because I lost a friend to suicide, still see him parents every year. So until I turned 22, I pretty much hid and suppressed my desire to be female. Now that I was done with school, and had time on my hands, that's when I start to do things about not feeling right with my gender.
