Im a 53yr old gay male and have been married 28 years. I was bought up by strict parents and felt I could never talk to them about anything without being ridiculed. My father was fom the old school "Children should be seen and not heard ". It was hard to live up to his expectations and numerous times I would fail. He was also intolerant of young boys getting up to mischief and a quick swipe of the belt would be the usual remedy so he thought.I remember when I was eight years old I was walking to church and reached out to hold his hand and he quickly slapped it away and the sense of rejection was overwhelming to me at the time. There was no emotional connection and I felt like running away from home I hated it that much. From the age of eight I realised I was gay and I was attracted to Chubby men because they always seemed happy and were cuddly. I wasnt interested in girls and my parents found this strange but I never talked to them about it. In fact I was always uncomfortable round my parents and couldnt stay in the same room if I was with them by myself. Years went by and I kept my sexuality hidden deep within me and if at anytime my gay feelings started to surface I would suppress them time and time again. I met my wife and I tried to be straight and be " Normal " and I was managing okay. When I was out shopping with the wife my eyes would be checking out the guys,when there was a programme on tv with chubby guys I would tape it and drool over it endlessly. I would buy Blue movies with any chubby guy in to satisfy my needs.As years went by it began to get more difficult to suppress my gay feelings and I could feel within me that things were changing. My feelings were getting hard to suppress and when I was at work one day I almost reached out to touch one of the delivery men. I thought to myself " Enough is Enough " I cant continue like this any longer. I had to tell my wife and my two children. Over the next few weeks I tried to drop subtle hints to my wife and find the right time to tell her of my true feelings.There was never a right time and the right time never came. Therefore on 09/01/2011 at 19.20pm I sat my wife down and told her that I loved her but I had strong feelings for men and that I was gay. I said "You can have the house and the kids and I would move out ". She said that there was no need to move out and that she still loved me. At the time I was arranging to go on my first date with a gay man and I wanted to be honest with my wife rather than go behind her back.I have been intimate with only two people in my life,my wife and my Boyfriend from my first date and we're still together two years on.Im still living at home because my boyfriend is in a similiar situation and none of his family know that he is gay.I have two regrets in life. One is that I didnt follow my true feeling when I was younger and number two is that I had to tell the lady in my life ,the one person who loves me and has loved me. Ive broken her heart and she is the most gentlest person I know and she always puts others before herself. I can see the tears in her eyes and feel the pain shes going through and yet she still loves and supports me. She has welcomed my boyfriend to our home as well.I had to hurt the one person in my life that loves me so so much and that I deeply regret. I feel like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders. I can be myself and my family now know the real me and that feels good. My kids still love me too. Im a very lucky man.So if you re in a similiar situation to myself please be true to yourself, I wish I was all those years ago before I got married then I wouldnt have hurt the people I treasure the most. Kind Regards,Naim14082
Good for you for being able to tell her. It's great that she supports you, in spite of everything else. Also, I see that this is your first post, so welcome to EC.
Naim14082, Gulp....you could have written what has happened to me for the first 51 years of my life. I have had the same life story except my father worked 60-70 hours a week his whole life to support the 9 kids my mother and father had..... I too had those same attractions and acted on them only a few times in high school. When I went to college, I met a wonderful women who became pregnant (she was on birth control) and eventually became the mother to my wonderful 3 children.... I just told my girls and wife (been separated 3 years) last Saturday night and they all said it was ok, they still loved me and wanted desparately for me to finally be happy....I have battled depression for a long time and used alcohol to supress my self esteem and guilt..... I still have very judgemental brothers that ridiculed my sister when she came out many years ago with her partner of 25 years....... I never regret my marriage, as it produced some very beautiful and accepting daughters....I do however regret the pain I believe I have caused them....They stand by me 100% though..... I want to seek some help for my self esteem issues and envision the day when I will accept myself for being gay..... Good luck to you.....:icon_bigg
Good Morning Kipfall And Thankyou so much for your reply and your welcome to EC.I forgot to introduce myself and say hello I was in that much of a rush to write my first post. Im really pleased I found EC and to know that there are others who have the same issues as myself. Kind Regards,Naim14082 :smilewave ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2012 at 09:50 PM ---------- Morning StevieD Well done for coming out to your daughters and wife and its great that they support you.I have similiar feelings to yourself with regard to self esteem and coming to terms with the fact that Im gay, now that Ive told those closest to me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can be myself. I hope your depression improves and that you find the support and inspiration to move forward. You have taken a huge step already by coming out to your daughters and your wife. Warmest wishes to you and Good Luck :icon_bigg Naim14082
