So I just joined this site after watching a youtube video with someone namedropping it as a place that helped them out. Here's my story, if your interested: All my life I've never really seen people in a sexual way. I am a female and I found myself mostly smitten over boys growing up and as I got older I found myself just as smitten over some girls. It never really started out as a physical attraction. Always by getting to know a person. In college I questioned my sexuality, but when I thought about being bisexual, something didn't sit well with me. It still felt....exclusive. In researching the topic and trying to find someone out there who thought and felt the same way as me, I discovered pansexuality. Now I have one of those cliche families that is super religious, super conservative. The toughest part of it all, is that, that side of my family...the side that is mostly religious and mostly conservative is my dad's side and my dad died when i was 15. The thought of losing what i have left of my father kills me. I have two siblings that are like him and that are like his side of the family. I'm not sure about my siblings, but I feel like I know for a fact that if I came out to his family, some would disown me. Recently I mustered up the confidence to come out to my mother and a few friends after falling in love with another girl. After that, a lot of things that use to matter, just didn't anymore. My (closest) friends were brilliant. I couldn't have asked for a better coming out experience. There were a lot of questions because pansexuality isn't really a widely known concept at the present time. But questions didn't bother me. I can't really complain about how my mother reacted, but I'm still quite bothered by it and its prevented me from going any further. At first she said "a mother knows these things," and that she would always love me no matter what. Which of course is quite good. Then came with the questions about pansexuality in general, but her questions were less inquisitive and more loaded. I couldn't stop crying as I told her about myself and she began to say things like, well that means you can still fall in love with a boy right? So it might not be a problem? She said that last bit with a smile and a little laugh and while it made me smile in the moment, the more i think about it, the more muffed up i realize it was. She advised me not to tell my brother or sister, "cause you know how they are." And then told me a story of a friend who never came out to his family and lived his whole life like that. I can't help but to ask myself, What was she saying there? So that is where I am right now. happy to be out to a few friends and my mother. still hiding from a handful of v.i.ps please comment if you have any advice, or want to share a similar story.
First of all I love the fact that you have been able to find information on pansexuality and that it has been a category that you have been able to be comfortable with "labelling" yourself as such. I am a gay man who thinks this is so new. I still think that its great that you can come out as something you are comfortable calling yourself and not couch it as being lesbian or gay for the sake of making the dialogue between you and your mother any easier. Having said that I commend you. I think your mom is just being a mom a loving one and my friends growing up got kicked out and surfed couches. I would assume that the nature of your relations with others are deeply rooted and I would find it hard to believe that your father's family would stop accepting you. The worst I would imagine they as super religious people would say is that you are confused. Which clearly isn't the case. I have questions though. Do you never have physical attractions at first glance? Are there boundaries to who you know would fit "your type"? Do you even have a "type"?
Congratulations!!! It's always though to say it to family. Or any other people. Getting the courage is a very good thing to see. But, one will always need to be carefull who to say it. I'm still debating to tell my brother, since he is soooooooooooo religious. My parents aren't, so I know I'll be telling them ... eventually..., but as for my brother, I don't know. So i guess is natural to feel fear at this times. I'll let you know if I get the courage to tell him! and(*hug*)!!!!
I'm glad for you, that you were able to talk to your mom. I have a feeling that parents are often the worst to come out to. There's something about that dynamic, where neither of you could have chosen each other, that makes the sexuality secret difficult to share. It sounds like she had good advice though. I think that coming out is more about loving YOURSELF for who you are, than it is about who you tell. Personally, being an atheist who travels a lot of atheist circles, I know that extremely conservative religious families are easily the hardest people in the world to come out to, no matter what you're telling them. Generally, the advice for closeted atheists is that they should consider the value of keeping a secret, if revealing it would endanger their lives, or make their situation untenable. What you do with that advice is completely your choice. I don't believe that you owe anyone an explanation for who you are, least of all any family member who would disown you for being born a certain way. Whatever you do, I hope EC has good advice for you!
MannyNash - thank you for your kind words. This comment made me smile profusely. Thank you for recognizing things many others fail to. I really appreciate my mother's reaction and my tiffs about it are quite subtle. I'm aware that I'm one of the lucky ones, sadly. In response to your questions. I am physically attracted to people sometimes, but I don't think about them sexually that much. Nor do i think/care about the tools they may or may not have for it. I'm like a pansexual with a slight asexuality almost. That being said, I find myself mostly attracted to and/or intrigued at first sight by androgynous types or genderqueer persons. but these attractions have never translated into real life. (i.e. i've never had relationships based on these attractions) I fall in love with the most random people regardless of look, style, sexuality, gender....the type really only falls into play (or "boundaries") in regards to passions, morality, interests and the like. The above mentioned "girl" I was never physically attracted to and others i've bee in love with i can only describe my first reaction to them as a raised eyebrow. Like my spirit recognized theirs. (ok now i'm being legit crazy). Basically gender and/or sexuality is not really a factor in my attraction to people. I don't know if this answers your questions. i tried my best. cassandra - thank you so much. I hope you can muster up the confidence as well. I would too love to tell my brother about myself so bad. Especially because he thinks so backwardly and i'm pretty certain he is unaware that he has any people like me in his life. But i really like what... ryan the human - ...said. In coming out i've definitely realized that more than half of the fear was not loving myself enough and letting people's misconceptions and candid rhetoric define who i was. I thought i was weird. I thought i was abnormal, perverse, even disgusting. Its not until I discovered i wasn't these things and really started to appreciate myself and my perception that i was confident enough to come out to the people i did. as far as owing people explanations...i'm still in the process of figuring all of that out. Especially in this political climate, i feel a pressure to come out regardless of anything because of what it might do for the gay rights movement if we all did.
