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Mine.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Joey4, Oct 20, 2012.

  1. Joey4

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    I've been aware of my interests my entire life and have been confronted with it at various stages, but no more now than ever. For nearly a year I've been working for a construction company. One thing I'll mention before I continue, is that I'm an honest guy...honest with myself, honest with others. In the "get to know you" stage of having been the new guy, one gets probed with all kinds of questions by individuals and by groups of people at a time. The most popular of which usually is "are you married, do you have any kids?" When I answer no, the follow up question is if I have a girlfriend. The answer - still no. Most don't seem to probe any further, however, everybody talks.

    There came a few times early on when in a public forum - usually lunch - the topic would surface. The time I remember most was when I started getting grilled by my foreman in front of everyone about my orientation. He asked me if I liked guys. I didn't answer. He said "when you don't answer, it worries us that you might like guys." Still, no answer. I'm an honest guy and I didn't try to fight it. But I didn't give away any information either. I wanted to be anywhere else at that point. I felt my face flushed, my neck burning hot. I understand why the topic is interesting to other people, especially in an atmosphere where you wouldn't usually find gay or bisexual people..but I couldn't understand how someone would purposefully make someone else feel so uncomfortable for probably the sake of everyone else's entertainment. I had always been nice with these guys.

    That was probably in February-March. Fast forward to this past September. My crew was sent down to New Orleans to help with the disaster relief from Hurricane Issac. I began working and became friends with a guy on my crew who confided in me information about himself that you probably wouldn't share with everyone (nothing about sexuality). When we arrived in New Orleans, we didn't know if we were going to stay there or not and the hotel they booked for us was three blocks away from Burbon Street. I told my buddy that there wasn't any chance we weren't gonna go. A group of us went and found that it just so happened to have also been "gay weekend" on Burbon Street. Once everyone else heard the news, all the homophobic comments commenced. They didn't bother me, I found most of it entertaining.

    That night, we had a good time. One week later the night before we went home, we decided to revisit Burbon Street. Toward the end of the night, my buddy and I became separated from our other two friends. He made a comment near the end of the street that prompted a conversation to be had all the way back to the hotel. I don't remember the comment, or most of the conversation for that made..we both had had our fill that night. Throughout the conversation I asked a couple times "why are we having this conversation?", not because I didn't know, but because I wanted to see if he knew or had suspected anything about me. He wasn't around for the grilling that had gone on early in my employment and I was certain that someone had mentioned something to him.

    When I finally asked a third and final time, he replied "I don't know." I told him ".. because I'm .. I'm half-gay." He didn't seem phased by it. Almost immediately he shook my hand. We stayed up for hours talking about non-related topics. I didn't really get the relief that most people speak of when they finally tell someone, but I think the fact that he sat down on my bed next to me and hung out for as long as he did made me feel comfortable with knowing that even though he knows for sure now, he was still with me...that he's cool with it.

    We don't work on the same crew anymore, but we do see each other at work and occasionally outside of work. It's starting to give me the confidence that maybe I can't start telling other people based on his reaction and treatment of me. Some will be harder than others, I understand, but the truth is .. I'm kind of excited. Something I've hated all my life is now slowly becoming something I'll embrace. I wish I could have done it sooner, but this is a good start.
     
  2. wandering i

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    I'm glad you had someone who was understanding and supportive, I am hoping you get many more like him in your life.
     
  3. Lad123

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    Congratulations for coming out!

    I was expecting some kinky ending but oh well :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. The Queen Bee

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    That's awesome, dude.
    The thing is at the begining one feels a bit weird... or just differently that the whole "dancing in the rain, what a glorious feeling I'm having today" feeling.
    IDK... It was for me like that too. Like I told my sister... and despite the fact she was great about it, I felt somewhat uneasy.
    I guess it was the realization that this is something I actually have to do.
    Nonetheless after I told my family and then some friends, well... It was really like that feeling of "HELL, YEAH!! I'm out... I'm here, I'm queer, dyke pioneer!!".
    It's quite cool actually.

    But, it's awesome that your friend was cool about it.
    Chances are he suspected it. :icon_bigg

    You gotta be patient with people who ask. If you don't feel confortable, you can always say: "I don't want to talk about it". Nonetheless I think, given that still many are in the closet, the ones who are out must give a good example by "educating people". It's annoying... and it can be frustrating at times; but as long as it's in a respectful environment, I guess it's not that bad.
     
  5. Joey4

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    Thanks guys.. for reading and for your words.

    Sorry for the lack of kinkiness. I think some of the reason I chose the person I did when I did is because I sort of suspect he's gay himself. He has a wife and kid, but some tendencies have me wonder. Plus he said he has some gay friends back where he's from. I guess overall with the previous information included, it was a comfortable decision.

    And I hope it feels a lot cooler soon, QB. I guess when the time is right, I'll tell my second person.
     
  6. speedracing22

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    Wow, that sucks that people would treat you that way at work. But it's nice that you met someone who doesn't care, and he sounds like a good friend.

    When I told my first friend I didn't get that 'feeling' I was expecting either, but a few days later I felt relieved. And now, I really don't care as much as I used to about what people think.
     
  7. Joey4

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    ^ I'm starting to get that way. It's been over a month since I told him and he treats me like he did before I told him . . no different. I'm beginning the expect that it'll just be more a big deal to me than it will anyone else.

    I'm fortunate to say that with everyone I know, I don't see being rejected by anyone. People genuinely like me for me. Some will be surprised, others won't. I don't think anyone will miss a beat, though.

    It's comfortable to hear that not everyone's weight got lifted with that first admission. I think sometimes, I'm my own worst enemy in that I'll make anything I think less of myself for to be worse than it really is. I think we just have to bare in mind that people are too wrapped up in themselves to care more about what you have going on.
     
  8. Praetor

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    Wow, I just read your post... that's really inspiring and I can relate in many ways.
     
  9. jimL

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    That's the first step and it went well. In my experience "most" people were very OK with it....but not all. It's always difficult at work, and for you in construction, well, guys working with guys, especially in a macho environments (I was a logger for 10 years...so I know) can be very brutal. So, my advice is to go slow and cautions. Just keep in mind, at some point you will lose control over who "finds out." That was a tough one for me. Congratulations on the first step.
     
  10. Joey4

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    Thanks Jim.

    Posting this, I was hoping to hear from someone who also works or worked in a similar environment to mine. I've been doing this for 10 months now and it's unlike any job I've had before. When I got there, it really reminded me of every team I was ever on in high school. The hazing aspect of the job was rough and the rumors about my orientation just compounded the problem. I made it a point to get to know individuals and over time, I won each of them over one-by-one. Most of them left now, but I've made some real friends and at this point, I don't think any of them would really care to know the truth.

    Praetor - I'm happy to know that not only did you read my story, but that it's helping you. Being gay or bisexual is such a private battle and what's great about this forum is that you meet people just like yourself, where you otherwise wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I hope whatever it is you're going through works out.
     
  11. jimL

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    Hey Joey, do you have friends outside of work? I know that sometimes you end up with a lot of your friends from work as your social life friends. If you do have friends outside of work maybe you should just take the attitude that it's none of their business (coworkers). Now that your not the new guy hopefully they won't be asking as much. That being said....it totally sucks that we feel as thought we need to hide who we are. But, your in a tough place. Although I use to work with a bunch of macho guys, I don't now. Fortunately I now work at a place that if anyone hassled me they could be fired....it's a good place for a totally gay guy to be. I came out to a few people at work last year and I know that most of the 35 people that work here now know (it's amazing how a couple of people just can't control their mouth). I haven't heard one comment...not to say there haven't been any behind my back, I'm sure there have been. On the other hand since I came out I have found out about many other people that are gay that I never suspected. It's been an incredible journey for me that hasn't ended yet, and I'm not sure ever will. Hopefully someday you will be able to look back and say things have gotten a lot better. Some days it's seems as though it never will...but it will.
     
  12. Joey4

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    Work now is totally different.

    One of the guys who was best friends with the foreman (from the story) came to me and just started talking and hanging out. We got along really well. That was probably around April when it started to get warm. He was well-liked by everyone and since he gave me a chance, everyone else seemed to follow suit. Most of the guys that work this business are pretty closed-minded, or so I thought. Just like I wanted a chance, I had to give some of these guys a chance. Some of the greatest people I've met thus far have worked out of that yard.

    I have plenty of friends, and I see your point. However, most of us spend the majority of our time at work. I couldn't spend 45-50 hours a week putting my head down and just doing my job. I'm a really sociable guy all the way around. I'd be miserable.

    And even then, I always want people to like me. If someone doesn't like me, it bothers me. I mean, they have to have a good reason. If their reasoning sucks, then it doesn't bother me. And I'm not trying to make myself sound awesome, but this rarely ever happens.
     
  13. jimL

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    Joey,

    You sound like a really nice guy. I admire that you give everyone a chance, I like to think that that is how I live my life but sometime I do put up a wall when I shouldn't. That's pretty cool that the guy everyone likes didn't treat you any different and then the others then started accepting you as one of them. It's too bad it has to be that way.

    I understand that you spend so much time with your coworkers. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to mine. That's why I came out here at work. That and no one can touch me (that is unless I want them too, haha) There were those that had mild suspicions. Not because of the way I carry myself but because of things that I have said and the things that I support.

    I to, throughout my life have always wanted people to like me. I think that is the reason that I didn't come out until a little over a year ago. I always thought that my family and friends would hate me if I did......boy was I wrong! If I only knew that I would have done it a long time ago. Oh well......
     
  14. AlexisAnne

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    Hi,

    First of all, congratulations on coming out to that first person. The first person is always the hardest. I remember the first person I told was bi herself, and had been telling me I was at least bi for quite some time before I came out to her, and it was still difficult for me. I'm another one who didn't immediately have that weight lifted with that first coming out either, or the second even. After that it started to lift and it was a couple more people later that I felt that whole "Hell yeah!" feeling that Queen Bee spoke of.

    I also have a hard time believing that whole grilling they gave you. (That's not to say I think you're lying or anything like that :slight_smile: I mean that it boggles my mind that things like that really happen) I've been in similar situations with friends when I was younger and in denial, but never at work. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been.

    I know what you mean about your coworkers as well. I spend more time around them then I do my actual family and friends, and being open about it was and sometimes still is difficult at work. Definitely find a pace that works for you. Like you, I've been fortunate enough that coming out with my orientation wasn't a deal breaker for anybody I've talked to (Still working up the nerve to speak to my father about it :frowning2: ) As far as telling others though, it would probably help you to speak to some of those outside of work friends, provided you're ready of course and are comfortable with the notion that they'll be okay with it. Each time you come out, your confidence is going to grow, and eventually, you'll probably be ready to talk to others at work.
     
  15. Joey4

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    Jim: That's funny you said you wish you had done it earlier. I was just telling Praetor that I wish I was ready to start this process sooner than now. I feel like I've missed some valuable time...but yup, oh well.

    Like you spoke of not coming out because of wanting everyone to like you, I think we all feel that way. We hear the homophobic comments that our friends make and maybe their stance on gay marriage, or even their reaction when they find out someone else is gay and we think "Oh, well then it's settled .. I'll never tell anyone." I don't think anyone will dis-befriend me when I tell them, but I think what I'm concerned over now is the awkwardness some may feel toward me. Maybe getting dressed and undressed in the locker room won't be the same?

    TJM: Hi. You know, it was kind of a long story and I'm glad you read it. I appreciate that. I see long stories and I'm like "I would want people to read mine so I guess I'll ... meh, fuck this."

    I like people confirming that the first person isn't always awesome. Maybe it's like smoking pot for the first few times? Finally that third time you do it you're like "whoa!" Haha. I don't smoke pot. I've only tried it. Obviously at least three times.

    You know, when I let people tell me stories, I never believe anyone. I'm always thinking to myself "bullshit, that didn't happen." Maybe I didn't describe it well enough. At the time, two crews were working together, mine and another crew. We're all working together on this one task .. well, a few of us were. Every one else was standing around. I don't know how it came up, but all I remember is my foreman asking me if I like guys and while I'm searching through my brain for the right answer that will get me the result I want, it feels like a thousand eyes are watching me (actually 10 guys, so 20 eyes). Then later at lunch another guy that the rest of the group used to shit on behind his back was asking me in front of the group "if I like girls .. how many girls have I had sex with .. when was the last time I had sex?" So while in your imagination it make look like I'm in the middle of a circle of guys poking at me, taking turns asking me embarrassing questions .. it was one guy pestering me for an explanation while the rest of em' snickered like little girls.

    I have plans to tell other friends and family. I'll probably start with all the people that have confronted me before and say hey "remember when I told you I didn't like guys. Well.. " And I don't know exactly when that'll be. I guess when I'm ready. Who know? Thanksgiving is coming up.

    As for people at work, it's really none of their business - and I stand firm on that. I've been there long enough now that I've proven myself a hard worker and an overall general good guy and I think people just don't care. And if they ask and I think they can handle the information, I'll tell em'.

    Rather than before, however, when I just lie to people about having an alternative interest, I think I'll just tell them I'm not interested in discussing it and let them figure it out for themselves. At least it's honest.