So 4 months ago I told my best friend I was bi. She is like a sister to me and I had wanted to tell her for a long time I just could never say it out loud. Then one night I went to a concert and got drunk and ended up calling her that night and telling her over the phone. It's definitely never how I imagined coming out to her or anyone because things over the phone always make me anxious because it's hard to tell how someone is really reacting. But when I told her she completely accepted it. She said she would have never expected it, which was in a way relieving because I've always been so paranoid that everyone can tell I'm into girls too. But she told me that it didn't matter to her and she would always be here for me. She said that and a bunch of other supportive things you would expect someone to say. But I was also crying and drunk talking to her on the phone so the next morning when I woke up and realized what I had done I kind of freaked out. Because then I was back to the same problem I had always had, I didn't know how to talk about it with her in person but now I had no way out of it. So later that day I went over to her house and it went amazing. She was really happy I told her and told me she wanted me to feel like I could be completely open with her and talk to her about anything. But at the time I really didn't have anything new to talk to her about because I wasn't out to anyone else and wasn't planning on that changing. The only thing new I could talk to her about was who I was attracted to or who I wish I could be with, which she always wanted to hear about! Anyways, nothing changed and everything was great for about 2 more months. But then everything started going downhill. It started because I began dating a girl. I ended up coming out to a girl I was really interested in, who was a mutual friend of my best friend who I had already told. We hooked up that night and from then on we have been together. It's been really amazing, and scary too because neither one of us are out to anyone other than my best friend and keeping it a secret from our parents and everyone else puts a lot of stress on a relationship. But we have been together for 3 months now and I couldn't be happier! So the only problem with this whole story it my best friend. As soon as she found out that me and my girlfriend were dating she completely changed. At first she still wanted to be there for me and would listen to me vent about little stuff that you talk about when you're in a relationship. But then she started showing a little disgust when I would talk about us and it completely confused me! Because before she had always really encouraged me to tell her EVERYTHING and now she completely flipped? I tried to understand because I know it might be a lot for someone who's straight to deal with but it just seems like she wanted to hear until I actually had something to talk to her about. Anyways she started being a bitch to my girlfriend which really made me mad and I decided to confront her about it. At the end of the conversation she let out what was really the problem. She told me she couldn't understand "it". That it wasn't normal and she didn't feel confortable talking about it. Since then it's been weeks, we still talk but we avoid anything having to do with me. The conversations are awkward like there's an elephant in the room, which I hate because she's my best friend. The worst part is I'm so happy but it's really getting to me that the thing making me so happy is ruining our friendship. She makes it feel like I'm doing something wrong and it's my fault without even saying that. I dont want to lose her because I loved having someone to talk to about everything, because that was the best part about coming out. I was thinking about coming out to my mom until this happened. I'm scared people don't mean what they say when they tell you nothing's going to change. That they still love and accept you. Because now everything's changed even after she promised it wouldn't? I just don't know what to do now and my stress level is through the roof. And I want to tell my mom so bad but now im second guessing it! And I dont know what to do to get my best friend back..
Hon... Sometimes it's like that. I have many straight friends that I know they want to be supportive... yet they just don't understand how this thing works. It's just that way. I guess it's up to you to let them know that you're confortable with being who you are. The thing is that given that you're still in the closet, that might make your friend think that you're doing something wrong, because YOU feel you're doing something wrong. Straight people just do not understand how is coming out... and how, despite the fact we may enjoy being gay and some grow to yell it from the rooftops, some are reluclant to be completely out because they think things change... and sadly, most of the time they do. So, it's not us being paranoid about it... it's that one way or the other it's so common to hear homophobic remarks that you know sooner or later they'll be on you. I hope I was clear. lol Remember that she's your friend and that being straight... she just doesn't understand it. Also you're bi. Personally I think "bisexuals" are highly missunderstood. Like people think they're highly promiscuous. They want wee-wees and vajayjays at the same time... For some straight people, bisexual are either "confused" or "closeted gays" who don't want to fully admit it and for some gays, "bisexuals" are cowards that don't want to come out and want the best of two worlds. Straight people can be tricky at times. Nonetheless, we lesbians/bi girls have our lezbros... and gay guys their fag hags. Keep in mind that there's still a lot of ignorance. We must educate people. =P I think you should tell your friend that you'll like her to be more supportive. Then again, it seems like you have to give her time. Also, I think it's a good idea to come out to your mother. But first ask yourself how gay friendly is she, what does she think about gay marriage and the sort. Even if your friend can't be supportive, your girlfriend is on your side. I'd advice not to tell your mother right away you're dating someone. She might think this girl is a bad influence. Just one thing at the time.
With some people things really don't change, but with others - as good as their intentions may be - they will. Sometimes it's us, sometimes it's them. That is one of the hardest parts of coming out.
I do think things change. You just give new information about yourself that many did not see coming. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I think overall my relationships have change after I came out, but definitely for good not for bad. Your true friends will always stand by you no matter what. Actually one of my closest friends who is a bit of a homophobe towards lesbian was like: "needless to say, you have nothing but my support on this one", after I came out to her. I was cool... loving people will always be able to open their heart for you, despite the fact they don't fully understand some stuff about you.
Thanks guys! I guess I just have to give her time and see what happens. I think change is what I get nervous about the most but I just need to deal with it because so far I've gained a lot for coming out to the 2 people I have. I might have lost some of our friendship but I know she's still there for me, I just want us to be close again. Hopefully with time! And I completely agree about bisexuals being misunderstood!! That's something I'm nervous about when coming out to my mom. She's made comments like "they should make up their mind" or "they're probably just gay and can't accept it". I feel like she's going to tell me it's a "phase" or I'm confused.. things I don't need to hear from her. She's not homophobic at all, but she's as republican and Christian as someone can be. She's against gay marriage for biblical reasons but other than marriage she doesn't care. But I know she'll always love me, and I know I'll tell her eventually. I just have to wait for the right time.
I think in your case it'll be fine. You'll have to be patient with all the stereotypes you'll hear about bisexuals. But on the other hand... any think ANY LGBT has to deal with that crap. *shrugs* We must educate others.
It's soooo sad:icon_sad: but it's one of the biggest truths of humanity. People often say things too lightly, because they haven't felt the consecuences directly; also because they're affraid of changes, and pretend that nothing occured. But things do change. Even so, doubt of any person who says "things won't change" because when you come out thing NEED to change, you need to adapt to the new truth. Just to mention an example. When I came out to my 2 friends, 'A' told me he supported me with all he can. 'B' didn't need to say it, as he is transgender also. But 'A' said that if I wanted to crossdress when we were together, it was ok. 'B' and I agreeded the next day was as good as any other to put that to test. So, that day came, and I went to 'A's house. As he wasn't ready, I wasn't either, so we agreed to leave that for another day. If you could see his face, you'd understand what I mean, he was affraid. On the bright side, some weeks later he came to my apartment, ready for that, and I crossdressed in front of him for a little while. After that, he was more relaxed. Leaving the anecdotes aside, I seriously think your friend feels like both her friends are going away. It's a sad feeling, wich comes whenever you see your friends pairing, you fear they make their lives together and you'll be left apart. Add the fact she just learned about the sexuality of both friends. I think she were trying to understand you, but pairing with other friend of her made it real. So, MAYBE, when she said she didn't understand "it", she already tried to conciliate that sadness by thinking it would not be possible for her 2 friends to be a couple. But, of course, it's REAL, so she's having trouble with it. That's what I think anyway. And, for the end, I'm going to say this (don't take me too seriously here, it's just what I'll do): altough 3 of every 5 things I say are about "wait until the right time", I think that, on this particular case, a more direct approach is needed. If it would be me, I'll "take the bull by the horns" as we say, and talk her directly about the matter, until she spill what actually is bothering her. Not understandign "it" is not the reason, is a consecuence of the actual reason (being the one I told before or other completely different). I know she will be reluctant, and even she may get angry with me (were I the one on that situation of course), even she might go to yelling, but I know that in the end, the truth will come. I know, because I tried this before and worked. But, again, this is what I'll do:icon_bigg Anyway, cheer up, things will always get better(*hug*)
