My Story

So.....This post is just me, probably rambling, about the parts of my life that lead me to 'come out' to myself and realize I am transgender. Partly to help me get thoughts down in order to better explain them, partly to help other understand more about transgender people.

There are a lot of things in my mind that stand out about my early childhood. I used to want to play with more 'boyish' things, like cars and trucks, then more 'girlish' things, like Barbies and dolls. I hated Barbies. I wanted to go out and play with the boys. You know, run around in the mud, roughhouse, play with bugs, etc, things girl normally didn't do. When I played pretend with other kids, I either played a guy or, normally this, because the other kids said I was a girl so I had to play one, a girl who took on sterotipcally masculine roles. I also imagined that I was boy in my dreams and day dreams. I used to wish that I would wake up as a boy.

I never liked girly clothes, the kind with frills and pink and cute pictures on the front. My mom normally picked clothes out for me, and she always chose those, and I hated it. When I could pick out my own, I normally wore jeans and a t-shirt or sweater. I never wore dresses or skirts. I just hated them with a passion. Still do.

I normally hung out with guys when I was younger. I just understood them better. My friend group was almost entirely guys. I just didn't fit in with girls. And, when I was younger, this was fine. But then I hit elementary school.

Elementary school. Oh, elementary school. How I don't miss thee. Once I went there, I learned most girls didn't act like I did. And they saw that I didn't. So, I was bullied. I got treated like a leper. No one wanted to play with me or be my partner. They didn't even go near me. It was like I had a disease. Around first grade, I put everything together and saw it was how I behaved that made them do it. And so, I became very ashamed of myself and tried to act more girly. Of course, this lead to me having lower self-esteem, witch got me more bullied.

And then I moved to another state in fifth grade. Here, I was treated a bit better. A bit of loaner, because of how I was treated before, but a bit better. And here, I realized that girls had a tangled, awkward way of interacting. It was also here I realized I didn't understand other girls at all. They would gossip and talk behind each other's backs and do all that normal girl stuff most girls understand. And there I was, with no freaking clue what to do. I normally just stayed out of it.

Also, I never understood what they talked about. It was all, 'guys, blah, blah, make-up, blah, blah, blah, gossip.' I never understood make-up or fashion or their taste in annoying pop music.

And then I reached middle school, where I made friends that I understood better, and didn't have to know about fashion or diets or anything. However, I still saw other girls talking about it, and my friends did too, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't tell the difference between types of mascara or blush. I never even wore make-up.

Also, around this time, my gender dysphoria went into full bloom. I went to a secondary school and was around high school, done with puberty guys. I wasn't jealous of them, per say, but I hated being around them because it made me so.......bad. I also started feeling rather isolated and confused. During 8th grade, I started withdrawing from things I enjoyed, and stopped paying attention in school. My grades feel, and I felt isolated from my friends. I also felt like I was hiding something, and was always nervous. I felt more uncomfortable with my body then ever before, which is saying something because I never felt ok with my body. I avoided mirrors and hated the way I looked.

And then, just before school started again, I realized that I was transgender. I felt better. Before, I felt listless and tired and not ok with things. And when I finally realized that I was transgender, I was didn't. I had more energy, wanted to do things again. I just felt better in general.

So....that's it, I guess. It's not everything, but the main things. Everything would take WAY too long.