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About to come out to my friend! Nervous, but don't know why...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by TheSeeker, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. TheSeeker

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    Hi all,

    You guys have been very helpful over on my other thread "Most likely Bisexual, but don't want to come out until I'm sure...". So, here's an update!

    In a couple of hours, I am going to come out as Bi to a Lesbian friend of mine; she will be the first person that I have told in my inner circle, so wish me luck! I am really nervous though. I know she will have a positive reaction, she actually came out while I was in Africa, so the past couple of years, but I still feel a little ill.

    I am telling her first because I know she will understand and I hope support me as I agonize over how and when to tell my parents, brother, and other friends. After her, my brother will come next when he gets home tomorrow.

    I wanted to mention that too, you see I was planning on telling my brother before anybody else, but lately he's grown distant and cold to me and I have no idea why! He is very taciturn with a history of depression, but maybe he already knows and doesn't want to confront it? It's also possible that he has some skeletons in his closet as well, and I don't want to be blamed for dredging those up by coming out to him.

    My the rest of my inner circle of friends from college will be told next, I want to tell them in person, so I will be driving up to the Front Range to stay with them a couple of days. I am least worried about their reaction than anybody else's.

    My parents will come last, just for prudence's sake. They are liberal, like I said on my other thread, but I still can't predict their reaction. I won't be telling them until I am ready to move out. It's less that I am afraid that they will kick me out and more that I just don't want to be around them when they are dealing with it emotionally. They are always welcome to call since I can just hang up if it gets too nasty :slight_smile:

    So the progression will be: LGBT Friend, Brother, Other Friends, Parents. Either way, I should be out and about within a month. I'll post later and let you know how today goes!

    Thanks!
     
  2. YeonAh

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    Hey, best of luck! :slight_smile: Don't forget to post back here and let us know how it went!

    That's a good order to follow, and pretty similar to the one I've been using to come out. On the "parents" step now, though like you I'm probably going to wait till I can move out.
     
  3. TheSeeker

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    Thanks! Good luck to you too! Are your parents liberal or conservative? How do you think they will take it?
     
  4. YeonAh

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    I'd consider my parents pretty liberal, and I'm not worried about my mom really (I have a feeling she might already know). My dad's the trouble spot, whenever the subject comes up he goes awkward and quiet and has voiced things against gay marriage before.

    It's more like your situation in that I don't think I'll get kicked out for coming out, but I just don't want to stick around for the aftermath if things turn sour.
     
  5. davidroberts

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    best of luck dear :slight_smile: i m plannin to do the same next week sometime. kinda nervous abt his reaction :frowning2:
     
  6. The Queen Bee

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    This is awesome, dude!
    Go for it!!

    The first person I wanted to come out to was my sister. lol
    Honestly, I think even if you're brother is a little funky for whatever reason, he'll apprecite you telling him his part of you. Chances are, he'll open up to you as well and tell you what's bugging him, if there's a reason.

    Your lesbian friend is perfect. I came out to my straight friends first, well... one of them is closeted gay. But, the other are very LGBT friendly so it was cool.

    I agree with your parents' thingy. I'll be a shock for them, probably.

    You go, dude!!
     
  7. TheSeeker

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    UPDATE: Hey all, so it happened, it went well, and here is the story:

    I met my LGBT friend (let's call her "S") at a local coffee shop today and we decided to go for a walk along the river. I had gone out drinking with S and a friend of hers last night, but the friend is a bit of a homophobe so I didn't want to say anything in front of her. All I told S was that I wanted to discuss something private with her the next day so if we could meet for coffee that would be great. Her friend apparently theorized that I had a crush on S (she's Bi, maybe a Kinsey 4 so that's not a far fetched idea) and that I was going to confess my feelings. We laughed about that one... So, suffice it to say that whatever she was suspecting, it wasn't what I told her :slight_smile:

    We walked down to the river together and tied her dog off to a bench before we sat down and watched the water awhile. I was making small-talk and forcing a smile the whole time, but I was nervous as hell. This will get the ball rolling I thought, Once I say what I am about to say, there is no turning back... Finally I just cleared my throat mid-tangent and said "Ok, if I don't just say it now, I never will!" S looked at me inquisitively for a second while I began:

    "While I was in Africa, I had a lot of time to think, contemplate, and reflect since I had so much time alone in my village. After suspecting something for years, I finally admitted to myself in January that... well... I amBi"

    S showed no reaction except her eyes widening with the shock of what I just told her. All she said was "Really! No way!!! That's great!" Apparently, she never suspected anything, I and her gaydar is pretty good. It was a total blindside for her, but she took it even better than I expected!

    And we just went from there, and talked for the better part of two hours, walking along the riverbank. She was really excited for me, and happy that I decided to tell her first. Most of our friends are mutual ones, so we discussed the best ways for me to approach them with my news in a week or so. Since she came out to them a couple of years ago, this kind of thing is old news in our friend group. We swapped confusion stories and strategies for coming out... All in all, it was an awesome discussion!

    She wished me luck, and said to call her if I needed anything at all.

    The thing is, while I did feel some loosening of my mental chains, I didn't feel a huge relief like everyone has talked about. If anything, I am just more nervous about telling my family because I know that I have to do it now! I am out, if only to one, and there is no going back in for me... I don't like it in there. I am in shock that I actually did it, that I actually told someone the very thing I have been terrified of anyone finding out about since I hit puberty... But I did it, and I will keep doing it.

    Thanks for listening!
     
  8. Kat kanu

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    way to go
     
  9. Lad123

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    Congratulations! I like your story :slight_smile:
     
  10. The Queen Bee

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    Dude, you're awesome!!
    You did it!! You're starting your journey out...
    It's amazing what you're doing...

    The hardest person I've told is my father. In theory, it should be my mother because she's a bit of a homophobe, but after I told him he said he'd tell her, so he took that burden from me.
    Three months after I came out to my sister, I completely shut down. I wanted to tell my parents, but I just couldn't find the right time for it. At that point I was like: "Oh, well... I'm just gonna die in the closet". And I shrugged it off.
    In March my sister came with this UK boyfriend and he told me that he wanted to propose to her and wanted me to ask my sister's hand for him to my father (he speaks no Spanish and my father's English is not good enough to keep a decent conversation). I was wondering if he actually was gonna do it. My sister and her boyfriend returned to the UK and one week later my sister told us that she getting married. He did it. He proposed to her... And so I thought if he had the guts to propose... which must have been so difficult for him, because your heart is in the line and whether it breaks or not depends on the reply of this one person... So, I thought if he did that, then I can come out.

    That weekend I was on my laptop and my father was reading the newspaper. I knew I had to tell him. My mother came and told him that she'll get ready to go to an exhibition and asked me if I wanted to. I said "no". So since she was going to get ready, I only had around 20 minutes to tell him.
    The first ten minutes what I thought was something on the line of: "Ok, this is it. This is your opening. Do it, woman... She's bathing. It's better one at the time... This is when! You can do it. You've been waiting for this opening. JUST FUCKING DO IT. TELL HIM!!!! YOU ONLY HAVE TEN MORE MINUTES TO GO... JUST TELL HIM!!!! WOMAN UP, GOD DAMMIT!!"... LMAO!!
    So, I said to him: "Father, I'm gay" and then I shrank in my seat. lol
    He, shocked, put down this news paper. "What??!!"
    "I'm gay" (right now, very flustered). He realized it I was feeling uneasy, very ackward and so, he threw me a line. He started rambling about how being gay has nothing to do with me finishing my thesis and that I should graduate. And then he said that "it seems that this is very hard for you".
    I was like: "Yep, it's just... it's very hard to come out". And then he told me he'll tell my mom in a week or so... I knew he was lying and that he was going to tell her that same night. lol But, given that it took me three months to summon up the courage to tell him, I was like "Hell, yeah! Go ahead... You tell her".


    Give it time. I felt uneasy after I told my sister (the realization that coming out is something I had to do)... I felt very flustered when I told my father.
    After I told a couple of my closest friends, it was still ackward for me to start the conversation. I don't know... I could discuss about it for three hours and I've never minded the questions; but starting the conversation I was rather ackward. A feeling on the line of akjdshfailushb!!

    BUT after a couple of days of coming out to my friends (maybe a week after I told my dad), the feeling came.
    It really was/is a: "HELL, YEAH!! I'M OUT!! I'm here, I'm queer... Dyke pioneer!!"...
    I wouldn't say "relief", it's more like being very comfortable with your own skin... Like unsupressed joy. I don't know how to describe it.
    Sort of like when you win a tournament or finish a marathon and whatnot and you do your victory dance.
    :grin:

    So now, I'm dacing like this (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!) to the Gay Song.
    The Gay Song - YouTube

    You did awesome, dude!
    Keep us posted with your brother and the guys. :grin:
     
  11. TheSeeker

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    Queen Bee:

    Thanks for the story it's great, with some definite moments of hilarity. Namely:

    Good pep talk, now if you could somehow give yourself a back-rub at the same time then it would really be great :slight_smile:

    I am hoping that the feeling will come a few weeks after I tell my parents, and I actually just realize something on that front. They already know that I have been struggling with this! I didn't put it in my story for some reason, but I just wrote it on another thread: Warning Tl;Dr ahead...

    So, I guess they won't be completely surprised. This does make me feel better. I think that it will actually make a lot of sense to them as they start mentally going back through my life. I think they are like me though and never entertained the thought of Bisexuality. Another memory was them saying something along the lines of "Hey, I don't think you're actually gay; you don't give off that vibe at all. But even if it does turn out that you are, we will still love you more than anything in this world". Maybe I am putting words in their mouths, but I do seem to recall this taking place. That entire year I tried to block from my memory until recently.

    So, thank you! And I am very much looking forward to this unsuppressed joy you speak of...
     
  12. Lad123

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    LOL!!! This made me laugh xD I'm glad he took it well though.
     
  13. The Queen Bee

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    lol
    I was getting flustered, I guess... But, it was cool, actually. Afterwards I actually thought it was really funny. :grin:

    But after my parents returned from their exhibition (which I don't think they actually attended), my dad was puzzled about the whole "gay" situation and started asking me questions about it.
    I was a 7-8 of nervous when I came out to him (?? I'm not sure if "nervious" is the appropiate word... but, for the lack of a better term I'm gonna use it), but when he asked me those questions after he return I was like a 1-2...
    Not too shabby. XD
     
    #13 The Queen Bee, Oct 27, 2012
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2012
  14. TheSeeker

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    That's great that the feeling went away later on so you could explain! Asking questions is good, I hope I get that response... Speaking of which, I had the strangest discussion with my Mom this evening and I think I am going to start a new thread devoted to it. I'll put up a link in a second.
     
  15. TheSeeker

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