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About to come out to my Brother... Strategies?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by TheSeeker, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. TheSeeker

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    Ok, so this is kind of a continuation of this thread here:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/73497-about-come-out-my-friend-nervous-but-dont-know-why.html

    The saga continues. So, according to my coming out list, my brother is next now that I have come out to my LGBT friends. He just got back from the UK and is jet-lagged. I almost told him this morning, but he had to go to work and I didn't want to just spring it on him like that. He knows I want to talk to him about something important, but I don't know if he suspects what it is.

    I think I will wait until tomorrow morning and take him out for coffee, or I will simply tell him tonight when he gets home. HELL I don't know!

    So, my brother and I have an interesting relationship. We were very close when we were young, but drifted apart in highschool. I know it is uncommon for older and younger brothers (he's younger) to hang out together in their teens anyway, but he basically just ignored me for about 5 years. Turned out this whole time he was clinically depressed. He never really gave any reasons behind it, so it is still a mystery.

    It could be he has a similar skeleton in his closet as I do... He's never shown any signs though, save from having never been in a relationship of any kind. Anyway, we got a lot closer in the months before I left for Africa and took a 5000 mile road trip together. I was then gone for two years, but we are still very close. However, he doesn't often volunteer personal information to share. At one point he got frustrated with me for asking personal questions (about his goals and objectives) and told me that he doesn't understand why I want to know. I said "Because you're my brother and I love and I want you to be able to confide in me!" He said "That's really no reason I should just tell you everything, it's weird" I sighed and replied "Did it ever occur to you that maybe I might want to confide in you at some point and I wanted to just make sure were on the same level?" He said he wondered if that is what I was getting at and we agreed to talk when he got back from the UK.

    Well he's back, now what?! Since he found out about his depression, he has been acting like he is the only person in the world with issues. He also continually drops hints that I can't possibly understand him because I have always been "the perfect child". Well, however he takes it, it will definitely drop me down a few notches from "perfect" :slight_smile:

    So, any suggestions? Anyone have a younger sibling like this?:bang: I thought about skipping him and going straight to my parents, but I really want his support when I come out to them... Is it worth the risks?

    He has no problem with homosexuality that I know of. He is still a Christian, but more on the mystical/intellectual side of things. I just don't want him to get so freaked out that it wrecks our relationship with each other.:confused:
     
  2. Suffocation

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    Hmm, you said he was depressed for 5 years. He won't discriminate you because he's been going through a lot of stuff. Depression is terrible, and I have only been going through it for 2 years, and I can only imagine what it's like for 5. What I am trying to say is that he won't want you to feel negative emotions, because he knows what it is like to go through pain. Even if he isn't 'comfortable' with your sexuality, he won't turn his back on you, because no matter what, he is your brother.
     
  3. Night Rain

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    I don't know how much younger he is than you, but he and you were very close right? So it probably won't be too hard for him to not accept you. Besides, he sounds like a closeted case himself. Having his support is definitely worth it.

    The next time an opportunity comes up, just talk to him face to face.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off congratulations on your coming out journey thus far! :slight_smile:

    Given that your brother has just come back from a trip and jet lagged, maybe give it a couple of days to get back into his routines, as it where. He already knows that you want to talk to him about something important, so it is possible that he will approach you when he has a bit of time. Would you be ready for that scenario?

    Taking him out for a coffee or even just going for a walk with him, could make it easier on you, to talk to him about it. Give it a bit of thought as to what you feel most comfortable with.

    Your coming out to him, could help to build an additional foundation of mutual trust and understanding. Sharing something that personal with your brother, might shift the relationship onto a different path that will give him a pause and perhaps also encouragement to be a bit more open about himself, which again could make your relationship stronger. You have an opening in the sense that you can start by speaking to him about the fact that you have been facing issues/problems as well, and that this is part of what you would like him to know.

    From what you have said - in terms of him not having any issues with homosexuality, or of which you have never become aware of, it seems that your coming out to him should be okay, and go reasonably well.

    So maybe give it a bit of thought as to how you would like to approach it. What would make you comfortable. (*hug*)
     
  5. The Queen Bee

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    OMG!! I'm your brother... lol
    Well, except for the fact that he's a dude... and that we're not related.
    But, yeah. I'm very hermetic, as well. For me... well, that's just the way I am; but others, well... they seem to take much notice about it in my opinion.
    I'm the type of people who informs others about what's in my mind, but I don't particularly like going into details (sort of in the "I already say what you need to know; what else do you want??" kind of line... I'm pretty sure your brother is somewhat here).
    You pretty much described my relationship with my sister(s).

    Hmm... Honestly I think you'd still should go with your brother.
    If things were the other way around and it was either one of my sisters who had being figuring out their sexual orientation, no matter how I'd feel at the moment I'd still want them to turn to me... I'd be crushed if they'd thought they couldn't turn to me for support at any point in my/their life. It'd made me feel like I'm doing things wrong that they don't feel they can trust me anymore. Especially with something like this.
    But that's just me.

    Once again I believe that you opening up to him that way might made him open up to you. Just remind him that whatever happens, you're in it together.

    After I came out to my parents and oldest sister things got very... let's say "stressful" with my mother and oldest sister (she doesn't live in Ecuador, so with her it wasn't that bad). I was about to just flip them the finger and yell: "Fuck you! It's not like I choose this... This isn't exactly a walk in the park for me either"... nonetheless I went on ranting with my other sister (the middle sister). She actually opened up to me to certain things that bothered her for a while and I reluctanly agreed to go to therapy just for her (Yep. My mother wanted me to go to Convertion). Of course I went to an actual therapist who told me that he didn't think he'd had to work with me that much about me being gay because I had already fully accepted my sapphic feelings. Nonetheless I kept on going for two or three months because of my Tricho. (The honestly saved my brows)


    So, yeah... I totally agree with this.


    Also I think going for a bite or whatever is a good idea.
    It gives you privacy... and the right place will give you a relax environment. Hell, even the walk from the restaurant to the car gives time to organize thoughts.
    And I don't know... there's something about walking that is very catarthic.
     
  6. TheSeeker

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    Suffocation:

    You know, I never actually considered that. Even dealing with this, I would have down days but that was about it. It was all emotional but my chemical balance was fine! I guess he would certainly know about pain... Good luck with yours as well!

    Damn Mirko! That comment is just all kinds of inspiring! Now to pick it apart a bit...

    Seems like a good plan, so I probably won't bother him with it tonight. Our family travels a lot though, so we are pretty used to jet lag. Heck, last time I even got jet lag at all was after 17 hours in the air from London to Singapore. Even that only lasted a few nights of weird sleep rhythms... I would be ready to be approached by him, though I might put it off a few hours until we could be somewhere safer and easier than the house.

    I think I will do it tomorrow, depending on how both of us feel; and a walk sounds appropriate given that that is how I came out to my first friend the other day.

    I truly hope that this is the case, and I do think that this is the most likely scenario. It's just that the other scenario is that he would express next to nothing in terms of a reaction and just start avoiding me like he does when he's mad at me. So, I have some fear, but it is starting to subside. I hope he realizes just how huge a step it is for me to tell him! It may be the most important discussion we have ever had. I also hope he keeps his mouth shut while I drum up the courage to tell our parents...

    Queen Bee:

    That is funny right there... I think you would make an excellent sister!

    I am definitely going to tell him first, based on what everyone has said. I really hope that he would feel crushed if I didn't trust him, but I am not sure because he seems pretty apathetic to anyone else's concerns that are not his own. Sometimes I think that homeschooling set him a lot farther back socially than it did me, but I could be jumping to conclusions here.

    I agree with this entirely.

    I can't believe how many parents/siblings I have heard about act like we are doing them just to hurt them somehow or get attention... FUCK! It's not about them; it;s about us!!!!

    So yeah, the plan tomorrow is coffee and a walk... Walks have been my medium of choice for years because if people didn't like what I was saying to them, I could always run off into the woods where I could survive for some time on the local wildlife :slight_smile:
     
  7. TheSeeker

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    Ok... My little brother and I are going out to lunch in about an hour. This is it; I will be out to my first family member when I next post! Scared. Shitless.
     
  8. Lewis

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    Good luck!!!
     
  9. Redell

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    GOOD LUCK! You can do it!
     
  10. Mirko

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    Good luck! Hope it goes well! :slight_smile:
     
  11. The Queen Bee

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    So true.
    Let us know how it went. :slight_smile:
     
  12. TheSeeker

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    Hey guys! It is really late, so I will post the full story tomorrow. Coming out to my brother was disturbingly easy, and he took it really well. There were also some surprising revelations along the way! Stay tuned!
     
  13. Night Rain

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    He's gay too, right? Right?? RIGHT???
     
  14. jsmurf

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    Or bicirious?
     
  15. Mirko

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    Glad to hear it was easy to come out in the end, and that it went so well. Congrats! :slight_smile:
     
  16. TheSeeker

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    Thanks for your patience and support everybody... A couple responses:

    Night Rain: You said,

    Ok, I am going to say this one more time. I am Bi. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but I am Bi. There is a difference. Gay implies Kinsey 5-6, and I tend to average a solid 3. I don't much like labels, but if I am going to use one, I don't want it confused...

    Jsmurf is a bit closer to the mark:

    Ok, onward to the story, it's long so I apologize in advance:

    My coming out to my little brother went really well, in fact it was so anticlimactic that I was almost disappointed.

    I met him at one of our favorite restaurants, one where I have been eating since I was eight years old so the place has a lot of history for both of us. I got there about 20 minutes early and ordered the darkest beer they had on tap. I was really nervous, and my palms were sweating, but I was determined that I was going to do this and not chicken out!

    The beer helped, and I was partway through my second pint when he arrived. I occupied the intervening time by flirting with the waitress . He had just recently arrived home from a trip to London, a place that I love and am very familiar with, so I said that he should tell me about his trip before I launched into what I had to say.

    This bought me another 20 minutes, and I caught maybe half of what he said, preoccupied by what I knew was coming. Like I have mentioned before, my brother is very introverted and nearly impossible to read so I legitimately had no idea of what his reaction would be. There was also an unimaginable amount riding on this, if he took it the wrong way I could lose him, at least for awhile. But I knew I was going to need his support if anything went sour when I came out to Mom and Dad, and having one family member against me would shatter my resolve and I would have a lot of trouble doing what I needed to do.

    When my turn to talk came, I decided to go with the cliché of: “You know that no matter what I am about to tell you, I am not going to change and I will always be the same big brother that you know and usually love…” I looked for a reaction, but he just sipped his iced tea and gazed at me impassively.

    After a short silence, I just blurted it out “I’m Bi”. Before he could respond I went into the Kinsey scale and how I was convinced that I was a solid “3” and how that just meant I was open to dating both genders, but that I had not done much of anything with either one.

    After another long sip of tea, and me demolishing most of the rest of my beer, he responded. “Yeah, well, I figured as much…” I was stunned. “Wha?!” I managed, after a few seconds. He said, “Sure! Also, you know that I am probably around a Kinsey 2 right?”

    I was surprised, not by the idea that he was anything other than 100% straight, but with the absolute calm with which he admitted it. He went on, saying that he had experimented with a male friend of his in college that he thought was hot, but when it got right down to it he just didn’t enjoy the encounter like he thought he would.

    My question was, “When you realized you felt this way, why the hell weren’t you just scared shitless?!” He reminded me that he had been depressed all through highschool and most of middle school and was basically asexual through most of his adolescence. The depression was stemming from orientation issues like my occasional bouts did; it was just chemical; something uncontrolled and not triggered by any particular thing. College was when he finally decided deal with the depression, and he started seeing therapists and taking anti-depressants. He said, once he could feel again, that he realized he didn’t know what he liked! From something as mundane as a favorite ice cream flavor, to which gender he even preferred. I was still in shock; and a little mad. I was the one who was supposed be calm while he was in shock!! What the f*ck was this?!

    “Liking guys, or thinking you did, didn’t bother you at all? I mean, you’re Christian, don’t you think it’s a sin?” He said, “Nah, it doesn’t seem like the bible stresses on it too much, if it’s only mentioned twice and never by Jesus, and I figured it was my business who I liked.” He had dealt with it the way I should have years ago, but no, I went to that damned therapist (F*CK that guy)!

    So, I laid it all out for him, how this had been the dominating terror of the past decade for me; how my teen years were always shadowed by this lurking threat that I could possibly be gay. It has been the reason for so much strife in my life for so long, that being able to be open about it with myself and others feels like drawing poison from a snakebite. I have had missed countless opportunities to love and be loved, I have deliberately destroyed friendships with my male friends (many times, whenever I realized I was attracted to them. They could never know…). How I shrouded myself in noise and corny good humor when in social situations; I maintained a constant level of arrogance and inapproachability that kept people at arm’s length, but I made sure I was funny so people would still like me. F*ck, half of my social personality was developed as a shield against people finding out about who I really was.

    Telling him this helped me realize all this myself; how powerful the fear was that dominated my life for so long. Now, with coming out, I am attempting to put an end to it and I think it will work! I will be free for the first time in so long, and I can’t wait!

    He responded with sympathy, not understanding why I made a big deal about it, but at least comprehending that it was a big deal; at least to me. He was confused as to why I wanted to come out to the parents, and I asked him why he never considered it when he was “experimenting”. He said he figured that it was his business, and that he would have dealt with it when and if he had ever brought a guy home to meet them.

    I have always been more open with our parents than he has, and that can occasionally get me in trouble. But an interesting consequence of this, was that my main fear wasn’t that a friend would find out about me in highschool, but that they would blab and the rumor would reach my parents. They are the keystone to this arch and without coming out to them, I will never be “out”.

    We walked awhile after lunch and hugged before parting ways. A couple days later, I went to talk to him again when we had some time alone; just to check in. He was still completely non-plussed and very supportive. I asked how long he had suspected I was anything but straight. This has bothered me as I have come out to people, them saying they already knew. After working so hard, for so long, to stay hidden; I couldn’t imagine what my “tell” was. He said he had known since I got home from Africa (5 months). I wracked my brains trying to figure it out; I asked questions: “Did I flirt with guys around you? Did I blatantly ogle your friends?!” He said “No, that’s not it.” I tried again “Do I seem feminine to you? What is my tell?!”He said, no, that I didn’t seem at all feminine. Then he smiled “It is actually really simple: ever since you got back from Africa, you have only used gender-neutral pronouns to describe the person you want to end up with.”

    Wow, I legitimately hadn’t thought of that. I guess he’s right though. In the five months since I got back and since I came out to myself almost a year ago, I haven’t forced myself to think about only marrying a woman… I guess my honesty myself began to bleed through the façade and that was my “tell”… Interesting.

    I won’t report the entire conversation we had, but there were two more gems that I will cherish:

    Him: “You know, I will still be your wing man either way!”
    Me: “That would be Legen… wait for it… dary!”

    At one point he explained to me, that the reason he stopped experimenting with guys is that he essentially lost interest as his interest in girls grew stronger and that he was solidly a Kinsey 1, at least for now.

    Him: “You know, I am actually kinda jealous of you. I thought I had a real gift when I thought I was Bi, the ability to love both sexes seemed pretty damn cool! But now that I don’t feel anything towards guys anymore, I am kinda disappointed that I don’t have that…”
    Me: “…”

    So, in summary, it went well. I am already well into the next phase of the coming out process. It has literally become a “coming out journey” now, because I just drove 4 hours to go see my best friend. We went to a concert when he got in late last night, and I haven’t had a chance to really talk to him alone yet. He has set aside some time tonight where we can talk without his girlfriend being around, and I will tell him then. I am really nervous, because I am not sure what I would do without him, but I think he will take it well.

    Fingers crossed, I will start a new thread tonight after the fact. Wish me luck,

    -The Seeker
     
  17. The Queen Bee

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    You gotta love when it's so anticlimatic. lol
    I'm glad it went well, though.

    When I told my father, later on he said he didn't quite understand what I meant by "gay" (Spanish being our language). I think he was shocked about the news, but deep down inside I think he kind of knew... in an unconscious level.
    Like... after I told him I figure he thought "well, now everything makes sense".
    Of course, I'm pretty sure he went through the stages... I mean the next days he's said "this deal... this thing with the gays is X" and not "because you're a lesbian X"; so it took him a while to digest it, as well.

    IDK... I think people who know you from long time ago deep down inside know it. Maybe they're not completely aware, but just like they find some things "interesting". IDK...
    I honestly believe we give a vibe... and for sure, LGBTQA-Z can pick it easierly (is this a word?). I cannot tell you what it is... It's just this thing, we had.
    A friend of mine always says that if I (or one of her gay friends) call someone to be gay, there's 95% of chances that that's accurate because "gay recognizes gay"... She's got a point there.

    Like now, when people ask me: "Really??". I'm always telling them: "C'mon, people. It's been effing obvious".

    Yeah... It sounded to me that your brother isn't 100% straight.
    Then again, most people aren't. I think this friend I just mentioned is a Kinsey 1-2, as well. Obviously I'm not gonna tell her that unless she mentions it to me.

    It's awesome that your brother reacted that way. When I came out my older sister told me she had experimented as well (I KNEW she wasn't 100% straight... so, Kinsey 1-2, as well). But, unlike your brother, she kept on insisting me that I should try to go straight. She said she has "grown out" of it (no, she hasn't. I don't bite that for a second), and she was hoping for me to do the same.

    Woah... It seems like your coming in was rather problematic.
    I mean... I was in hard-core denial for quite a while (I wasn't fully aware of my sapphic feelings), but I've never felt guilty about it... or ashamed.
    It's been very gradual for me to understand that I'm gay (little hints here and there) until I got a major lesbian crush and it was more obvious... At that point, it was sort of in the line of: "well, just because I had A lesbian crush doesn't mean I'm gay, right'? Or does it??"... Later on, a major lesbian celebrity crush. I just figured: "It's me. I'm gayer than rainbow".
    For me it was more of a time of wondering, but I can't say I felt distraught about it. I think it's because my lesbian crushes before coming out have not been that obvious... Who knows?? *shrugs*

    But the thing is now that you're out, you're out.
    All those feelings are left behind... it makes you more understanding.

    IDK... I think that shows that religion in most cases make people repressed themselves.
    I just can't agree with religion... I have this friend that got baptized just a while ago. I am SO sure that's his way to "not be gay".

    IDK... I really have no wisdom here.


    Yeah. Totally with you.
    That's why I had to tell my parents first. Also because I don't think it'd have been fair to the person, if I had been dating. They'd have blame it on her... and that's just not right.

    Good luck, dude.
     
  18. billy11

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    Hey Seeker, just want to let you know I've been following your posts and coming out story. it's been very encouraging for me as I feel I'm close to the stage you're in right now. Though it's been a bit of a coming out process for me I'm still at a snag of being reluctant to tell my parents. But over the last month and especially since making my first post here at Empty Closets and reading posts here it's like I've become obsessed with wanting to come out and stop hiding it.
    Anyways thanks for sharing yourself with us. It's been helpful to me to see another in the same kind of boat and paddling through the currents as well.
    You're awesome! Keep at it!
     
  19. Night Rain

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    I meant gay as a short form of LGBT (like how they say gay rights).:eusa_doh: Of course I know you're bi.
     
  20. TheSeeker

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    Wow, thanks for the responses guys! Now to reply...

    Queen Bee:

    Yeah, it was great how anticlimactic it all was. That seems to be a majority of the responses I get; especially from my LGBT friends (yeah, gay does recognize gay). Interestingly enough, any straight female friends I have told have also known or at least suspected; I think this may be because women are just more intuitive than guys more often than not...

    The religion thing, as I have said before, drives me crazy. Using as a way to "not be gay"? No, it won't work. You'll still be gayer than a rainbow unicorn, just not acting on it and smothering yourself in guilt. It's no way to live, yet it is how I have lived for the past decade. When I think of those wasted years, I get so angry I can barely think... But it's water under the bridge now; I can't take it back. All I can do now is enjoy the time I have in front of me. Which I fully intend to do.

    billy11:

    Thanks for reading my story, and I am glad you found it inspiring. I have a couple questions for ya... How long ago did you finally come out to yourself, and what made you realize you were Bi rather than Gay? I know it's a vague question, but it's always interesting to see where it goes. We male Bisexuals are like the Unicorns of the LGBT world; comparatively rare, but we do exist. Some say we don't, but I tend to disagree... I kinda think I exist!

    As for the reluctance to tell your parents, what is your situation with them right now? Are you at home or out of the house? Are you in a relationship with anybody? What is the catalyst here? I think a good question to ask yourself is why you do want to come out to them? Is it for them or you? If you're like me in this, it's the latter. I am coming out to my parents for me, because it is vital for my own self acceptance to have others know who I really am. Would my parents be happier not knowing? Probably. But would they happy if I lived a double life and never told them, or if I decided to stay single and lonely simply for the sake of being normal? No, they are my parents and they love me... They have to know to complete the circle.

    In the past few days, I have come out to my three best friends. I love these people more than anybody in the world; outside of my family. What I realized though is that there is no "right" time to come out; it doesn't get or feel any easier now matter how carefully you may try to orchestrate it. So just set a time, and stick with it! You go man, stay the course! You will feel better in the long run; I already do.

    Night Rain:

    Sorry for being overly sensitive. I am still not used to the LGBT vocabulary and I am doing my best translate. I had one friend, Gay (Kinsey 6), who told me he liked the word "Queer". We're all "out of the ordinary" and Queer is a good catch-all. Thanks for continued encouragement! How is it going for you?

    NOTE to all: Like I said above, I am now out to my best friends. I will start a thread detailing that ASAP.