I recently moved to a new place where I was completely closeted again. At home I'm out to my close high school friends, college friends, and mom. My sister knows as well but I never told her and we've never had a conversation about it. Anyway in this new place I was closeted to my roommates and coworkers. It's been awful feeling like I'm completely back in the closet again and like I had no support from them. Lately I've been coming out to a lot of them. I'm feeling better about that since most of them have been supportive but I still have the trapped thoughts. But it's liberating to have told those people. I still haven't told everyone hence the trapped feelings. I've come to realize something. I can't have a friendship with someone if they don't know I'm gay. It really does come up all the time in conversation. I don't mean that everyone talks about gay people. But I mean that straight people constantly talk about their bf/gfs, cute people of the opposite sex, relationship issues, etc etc. I can't just sit there and nod anymore without feeling a great deal of stress and sadness. I'm wondering if it's bad that I feel so trapped even by the slightest situations. Even by random strangers when they ask if I have a boyfriend, it sends me into a feeling of unrest. I can't deal with it anymore. I can't stand being closeted even to random people. It angers me that they assume I'd have a boyfriend. I have a hard time feeling comfortable with talking about my sexuality but I also feel very uncomfortable being in the closet so it's a catch 22. I want people to like me and not judge me. If someone's homophobic I don't want them to dislike me for being me. I also want to be myself around people though. Do you think it's wrong to want to distance myself from anyone who is somewhat homophobic or doesn't know that I'm gay? I don't want to be around most of my family or some of my friends because of this. How can I come out to everyone in the world when I still have discomfort discussing/showing my sexuality?
I find that the bigger a deal you make of it, the bigger a deal others will make of it as well. If people are talking about relationships and stuff just try to casually introduce the fact that you date girls. I am very frequently surprised by how much people simply do not give a shit, as long as you aren't screaming in their face about it.
This is what they mean when they say that you're always in the process of coming out. You're never done coming out because there's always someone new that appears in your life. Also, I know exactly what you're talking about. I hate it when people assume everyone is straight. It can be frustrating and people should know better these days. It may seem harmless to them, but they've never been in that situation. The situations that you describe exist because of heterosexism. The best way to handle this? Don't treat it like a big deal--even if you think that it is. If someone talks about a hot guy and asks you what you think, shrug and say you don't know but that girl over there is pretty cute. Just an example. I think the best way to keep these things from blowing up is to treat them in a calm and mature manner. If you don't make a big deal out of it, it might diffuse some charged emotions before they can begin to enter the situation. I'm not saying it won't be awkward because it will. You don't have to do the emotional sit-down conversation every time you come out to someone. You are allowed to calmly correct people if it's making you uncomfortable. Just make sure not to be curt about it or make it out to be a bigger deal than it is.
Thanks, what do you mean by screaming in their face about it? I would never yell at someone about it but common courtesy (if I'm out to them) I'd expect them to listen to me talk about girls if they are going to talk about the opposite sex. I guess I don't know what you meant by screaming in someone's face about it. I'm not sure how to know if I'm making it a big deal or not. When I'm telling someone my legs go numb, my hands sweat, I shake, and I get faint feeling so to me it is a big deal even if I simply say "Oh I actually like girls." I tend to make it a bigger deal than it is because it's a huge deal to me. I'm not saying I want to have an emotional coming out story with every person because that would be too much. Lately I've told people in different ways but it does come across like I'm nervous to say it. I am nervous and it takes a lot of guts (for me internally) to say the words out loud. You're right that it usually goes pretty well if you throw it into conversation without making it a big deal. It's very true that you're always in the process of coming out. It feels like I'll be coming out until the day I die. Heterosexist assumptions anger me a lot. Like, when did I ever announce that I'm straight to you and also why do you assume (if I was straight) that I must have a boyfriend and can't be single?
I don't really feel angry when people walk up to me and ask "do you have a boyfriend?" "We need to get you a boyfriend", etc. I feel 'awkward' or uncomfortable. But that is because I am constantly having to keep quiet about being gay. But honestly, we are one of the same. When someone asks me this question, they assume I am straight. Meanwhile, here I am, assuming they will freak out if they hear that I am gay. If only life would be simple to where we can say whatever we feel and not be chained by assumptions and political correctness. BUT I do understand exactly what you mean...
