Hello all and thanks for reading and providing any insight is always welcome. Beginning when I was little kid around 6 or 7, I have been called gay and been made fun of. I was teased a lot in school by the older kids and even some of my family. That being said I never even allowed myself the chance to consider the idea of being gay. I am now 30 and I just moved to a new city all by myself for work. About 2000 miles from the nearest person I know. When I got here I didn't have much, but I have a good job so after living in a hotel for a couple months finally got an apartment. When I got my apartment is when I truly started to figure myself out. Mainly because I didn't have t.v. or internet for few weeks so I would just come home from work and sit and think. During this time I was able to reflect on my life and why I always felt really alone even when I was surrounded by friends or family. Going back a little... When I turned 18 I left home and went to live with my grandma. We always got a long real well and I truly felt like I needed time away from my parents and siblings. But as it turns out that time didn't really help much. I was still surrounded by people who thought they knew who I was, so they didn't bother to really try to learn the real me. There were many times that i would start to let myself consider the possibility of being gay, and someone in my family would make some off the cuff remark about "fags" or whatever. The sick thing is, I value their opinion so much that I would make the choice to not allow myself to be who I wanted to be and try my very hardest to be who they wanted me to be. So at around 21 I started dating a girl, I was still a virgin, and she was about 7 years older then me and much more experienced. When I started dating her I got so excited, mainly because, I thought look I am not gay. It was just a phase in my head that I knew would pass once I found the right girl. We moved in together and I thought I loved her. Slowly but surely those feelings started to come back and would feel so guilty about it. I got depressed so much so that the relationship ended. After that I went into a real downward spiral because I was back to facing the reality of who I was. Even though I still couldn't say it to myself. At about 26 I moved back to Chicago. Made a few friends and tried to go on with my life with out acknowledging who I was. One day I decided to try and meet someone who was gay and become friends with him. I did and he really told me all about myself. he knew everything I was feeling. After the first time we hung out, he really made me feel excited about the possibility that I could be gay and still be happy. One of the first things I did on my way home that night was call one of my best friends and tell her. But right as I was doing it I got scared and told her instead that I was Bisexual. For some reason I thought it would be easier for her to here. Then I called another friend and told her too, but still only went as far as the Bisexual. Then I decided to tell my mother. I had this whole speech planned out. When I called her I decided I wanted to do it person so I just asked if she would have sometime soon so we could get together and talk. Well my mother is kind of irrational, and she started yelling about me calling her and telling her that and now she has to sit and worry about whatever it was I wanted to say. Well needless to say that was as far as I got. Then for whatever reason I decided to stick with the whole Bisexual thing. I thought well at least this way i wouldn't feel guilty about being attracted to guys if I could still say i was attracted to girls too. Which don't get me wrong I do appreciate a beautiful woman but it just wasn't the same feeling I had for men. A few more years go by, and I start to get the christmas depression by having no one significant in my life, so I decided to try online dating. I am fully back in the closet at this point by the way, except for the 2 friends I had told originally. I met a nice girl we went on a few dates, and then started seeing each other exclusively. Again I got really excited. Looking back now the excitement didn't come from meeting her it was just meeting a woman, so I could continue to delude myself. We were together for a while even talked about marriage. Then the cycle started over again. i started to get depressed because deep down inside, in a place I never talked about, I knew this wasn't what I wanted. The relationship ended but we still talked and would both say that it was just a rough time and once we both felt better we would get back together. I went into a deep depression. Considered suicide several times, but never acted on it. Until one day I got a job offer that would require me to move to Las Vegas. I didn't even hesitate. I just said yes. So now Im here. So I had the time since i have been here to just really focus on myself and have no outside distractions. It wasn't until this point that i could actually utter the words, "I am gay." to myself anyway. So basically I have told a few more friends back home, but still haven't gone all the way with my family yet. I am now 30, and I really worry about their reaction, not just to the news but to the fact that I waited so long. I almost feel like they are going to act like I have been lying to them this whole time. Which I guess is a little true, but since i couldn't say it to myself even there was no way to tell them. I am fairly certain that most of them thought I was gay when i was younger and probably expected me to come out when I was a teenager or maybe early twenties. But when I didn't I think I gave them some kind of false hope. I have made the decision to embrace who I am, but I just have no idea how to even start the conversation with anyone in my family. The most important person for me to tell first is my Mother. I guess I feel like I owe her to tell her before anyone else. I just don't know how to start the conversation. Should i do it in person, or over the phone, or with a letter. I just don't want her to feel offended by the way I tell her. I dont know why I typed out all this stuff I guess I thought people might want some background. Sorry that its so long. And any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I would not try and tell the family. If they want to know let them ask you, and then try and be honest. I would get on with life and find more friends who like you the way you really are. Don't sweat the family issues, you have your own live now.
I think you're pressuring yourself subconsciously to prolong coming out. I certainly know my brain is capable of tricking me, I just have to find the root of all the nonsense. Don't avoid telling your family. My mom is also someone I want to tell first. I almost feel like doing so would take a lot of weight off my back. Listen, mom, I can still produce grand kids through a surrogate mother, so stop trippin son. I really want kids of my own genes. I wouldn't be having kids to just appease my parents.
Yeah I am pretty sure that I am just prolonging it. And by doing so making it harder on myself. This last weekend I did tell another person and it was much easier then it had been before. I have decided That telling my mom in person is the best way to go. As far as the rest of my family, Ill guess Ill work that out as it comes. Thought about putting it all in a letter, to at least some of my relatives that I am a little closer to. Just try to say everything I can so there is no question and leave it up to them if they want to discuss it anymore then that or if thats good enough.
