My coming out story

Hi my name is Kitty. When I was 16 I asked this girl Caitlyn for a kiss… she gave me one on the cheek. I then said… I meant on the lips. At first she was uncertain but said ok. I ended up making-out with the cutest, sweetest girl and it changed my perspective on everything! Until I was 18 I was extremely confused, I felt as if I was going insane trying figure out what was going on in my head. I was attracted to women! And because of the things that my ma was telling me about homosexuality, I didn’t want to feel that way about girls. I didn’t want to go to Hell.

So anyways here’s my story…

Two weeks after I turned 19, I met who at the time I thought was the most amazing woman I had ever laid eyes on. Her name is Ann. We began dating that very day we had met at my college. And damn I liked her a lot. It had been 3 months that we were dating; everything was almost perfect between us. I had promised her from the beginning that I would tell my parents at that point, only I was so nervous I chickened out. A week later I was sitting in my parents’ house when my ma called me on my cell phone.
The phone conversation went like this:

Me: Hi ma, where are you? I just got home.
My ma: Kitty, I’m at the grocery store. A lady just came up to me, telling me that you’re dating a GIRL from your school! What’s going on?! (She sounded angry)
Me: Wait what? (My heart was pounding and it felt like my face just set on fire)
My ma: What is she talking about?! This isn’t true is it?
Me: ……………..
My ma: Kitty!!
Me: What I can’t hear you… (I told her and hung up the phone)

I was freaking out and pacing the room! Who could have told her? (I never did find out) I called up my best friends Alex and Emmy and I told them I was telling her. I asked them if they could come to my house just incase things went bad. I knew it was time to tell her so I called her back up and told her that when she got home we needed to talk. I packed my back pack just in case. When she got home I asked to speak with her out on the front porch, so we stepped outside.

My ma: What is it?!!
Me: It’s about what you heard…………….. (I was shaking)
My ma: WELL SPIT IT OUT!!
Me: Ma….. (I started crying)
My ma: What?!
Me: Ma... I’m a lesbian…
She began screaming at me telling me that I wasn’t gay, that I was just confused... that this was all Ann’s fault. My ma then brought me down into the basement by the shoulder of my shirt. She kept screaming while stomping her feet like a child and asking me how I knew and that I needed to talk to my aunt (which I didn’t understand at the time). She would say things like “you’re going to hell” and “you will burn in the lake of fire don’t you know that Kitty”.

I was scared and going into shock. So I ran back up the stairs and grabbed my back pack.
She shouted “where are you going” as I walked out of the house. “I’m leaving” I said. “Get back inside your not going anywhere, we have to talk about this” she yelled. I told her no, because she will just be yelling at me like right now. I could see my friends at the bottom of the driveway so I ran over to them and got in the front seat of Emmy’s car. My ma was standing in front of the car screaming at the top of her lungs, telling me to get the fuck out of the car and accusing Emmy of being gay. (This was stupid because Emmy is straight). Emmy being as crazy as she is told her to get the hell out of the way or she will end up doing something very stupid. My ma eventually moved and we drove away.

For a week I was chain-smoking and doing a lot of other dumb things to try and numb myself. The realization that my mother was a homophobe to that high of a degree hurt me. It hurt that all she could do was judge me and that she couldn’t love me past what I am. Since I didn’t have a place to go, I was staying the night on multiple friends’ couches. I tried to go back to my parents’ house for 2 days however my dad “didn’t feel comfortable with me in the house” and things didn’t change. So I left and stayed with my grandmother threw the winter until summer came where I then moved in with Ann. Ann and I had gotten engaged previously in the spring and things were okay between us for a short while. Eventually it got pretty bad, actually really bad between her and I. By the end of summer we broke up. She left me, saying that she had fallen in love with a co-worker of hers after knowing her for 1 week and it was over between us. She and I had only been together right under 1 year. Because Of how depressed I was and the amount of stress I was under I became very sick. I stopped eating and went from a weight of 120 down to 92 and then down again to 86.

A little over two years have passed now and I am much happier and healthier. I have my own apartment, two jobs that I work my ass off for and I am in my last year of college majoring in Art Therapy. A few people I know still recommend that I go through counseling to help me sort through some other major things but I’m not ready for that yet. My parents and I don’t speak that often and if they do call, they will call once every 3 or 4 months. Every time my Ma calls she asks me the one thing that will always break my heart. She asks “are you working on your problems” by that she means are you trying to not be gay. Every time I answer back with a lie “Yes mama” and then tell her I have to go.

My name is Kitty, I’m 23 and I am a lesbian.