I've known since I was very young that I was attracted to guys. I had respect for women and admired them and their beauty, but the butterflies were never there for me. My family is (unsurprisingly) conservative and religious, and has been my whole life. Looking back, I remember moments where my family most likely realized their son was different and tried to confront it. I remember being very young and called "gay" by my uncle during a holiday dinner because I wasn't into all of the typical boy activities. I remember my family taking me to their good friends, who were husband and wife pastors, and them praying over me fiercely for hours. I remember getting caught by my parents trying to look up naked guys on the internet, and before the praying and crying, trying to defend myself by saying I didn't think it was right to look at dirty pictures of women because I respected them too much. And of course, our religion always reminded me it was wrong too. All of these events and more solidified the cement around my closet. Flash forward many years, and I've finally started to come to terms with my situation. I had a girlfriend for many years but I broke it off right when she went to college. I'm naturally an overthinker and a bit shy, so even baby steps seem like miles to me at first. I eventually told a friend. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Shaking and trembling, I was standing on a pier with her and I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth. But eventually I did, and it started the fight for my freedom. Since the first one, I've told four more friends, all kind and accepting and wonderful, even if they didn't really understand what I was going through. But the biggest obstacle, as I knew from the start, would be my family. I finally told my mom a few weeks ago. We were walking the dog, and it just kind of happened. I didn't talk about it much, because I didn't want to, but she got the idea. She waited a few days, and then we talked about it again, and this time I felt like I got to say everything I wanted to say. She was kind and understanding, and I thought about how easy it all went. In the little time after, I felt like the world was opening up. I was still uneasy about my situation, but felt like maybe I was finally on the right path. A couple weeks go by, and right before I leave on a trip, we go for another walk. She brings it up, and this time it's not so good. She talks about all of the Christian books she's been reading (like "You Don't Have To Be Gay"), that she's been talking to a sexual issues counselor from their church about me (because she "had to talk to someone"), and that "there's hope". I felt betrayed and disgusted in myself for confiding in her. I was only looking for acceptance, but she took the whole thing as me wanting to be fixed and how sad my situation was and my life and struggle had been up to that point. She pleaded for me to see that counselor from the church (who used to be gay before God healed him and he's had a family for many years now). When I told her she got it all wrong, she kept trying to make me tell her that I'm "choosing this life" and that it doesn't have to be this way. Since then, I've been in and out of a dark place. I don't know what to do. I feel like it's not really a "choice", but there seems to be people who've gotten out of it with God's help. I know it's just the opinion of one person (or possibly my whole family) and that maybe I just shouldn't care what they think and yolo it up, but my family means a great deal to me, and we're so close that it's impossible for me not to care. I know she just wants the best for me. All of the struggling has taken a toll on my physical health as well, and I'm developing anxiety issues. Should I give in and see the counselor? Should I stand my ground? I'm just truly stuck, and I know I need to make a decision soon because I can't let my life pass me by, but I can't seem to do it yet... Any thoughts are appreciated... (Sorry for the gigantic post!)
