So I'm 14 and recently realized that I am bi. (Maybe heteroromantic, not quite sure on that part, but definitely bi to at least some extent.) I've known that I wasn't straight since I was 9 and hit puberty and wasn't ONLY attracted to guys, but it took me forever to accept it and then even longer to put a label on it. I have two best friends, that are basically my only real friends, one of them (we will refer to her as K) is a pansexual and very liberal atheist, and the other one (A) is a lesbian and very liberal atheist. My mom knows that they're both liberal and atheists, but only knows about A's sexuality because K is only out to a few people. Last night, me and my mom and my foreign exchange sister were shopping for Black Friday, and my sister went to the bathroom while my mom and I were talking about how one in every 4 LGBTQ teens in America will be kicked out onto the street and become homeless the day that they come out to their parents. I said, "That's like if I said 'Mom, I'm bi' and you kicked me out." She said "That's ridiculous. That would never happen." I didn't want to say it out loud because we were crowded by people, but I just thought to myself, if I want to come out, this is the moment. So I typed up a message saying "by the way... I am bi" and held it up in front of her face. She says "Who said that?" "Me." "Who did you send that to?" "No one. I'm showing you." She opened and closed her mouth several times, made a disgusted looking face and then looked down. At this point I suddenly felt my gut twist and said, "Are you mad?" "No. No, I'm not mad." "Please don't tell anyone." "Of course. Of course not. I would never betray you. But you can't have it both ways. We'll talk about this later." I got the feeling she wasn't going to take it well when one guy who looked to be roughly in his 20s that was working in Hot Topic acted slightly girly and she said loudly enough for him to hear, "What a flaming faggot." Today, she texted me--she's been at work all day--and this is our conversation. (my 19 year old brother just told our parents--who are very conservative, Republican, and Christian--I'm Christian as well--that he's an atheist, very recently) Mom: Our secret from last night - K or A? Me: What? Mom: Which one does it involve? Me: Neither. Mom: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.... ok. I guess I assumed some incorrect things. Me: What did you assume? And if you have any questions you can ask. Mom: i assumed they polluted your head with their liberal ideas. we will talk about this when it is just you and me Me: I can assure you that is not the case haha. Mom: I am just so scared. I have to answer to God someday about how I raised you and your brother. I am in big trouble for your brother. now i am afraid i am going to have to answer that I let your head be polluted. Me: Honestly I think that me and __brother__ are at the age now where anything we think or do is not your fault. Mom: Not true. I love you no matter what but if that is really how you are feeling you are betraying your relationship with __my boyfriend__. you can't have it both ways. both is just inability to control ones desires, or a popular fad. we will talk when we r alone. I am just very very worried. At that point, I decided to just appease her because when she has an opinion on something she will never change it, not ever, which I have learned in my 14 years of living with her. Me: then I will try harder to control my desires. Mom: I am begging you to pray about this. Honey i love you with all my heart. Stand back and look at the people who say they r bi. they are all emotional messes. they have no self control. they r just doing whatever makes them happy at the moment. you talk about wanting to get married and have babies. u cant have it both ways. we will talk. just know how much I love you. this is our secret. Me: I prayed last night and will continue to. if I just marry __boyfriend__ and don't act on it and continue to pray it will be okay Mom: You will be ok. I love you so much!! You are a perfect beautiful smart talented daughter. I wanted to give her some peace of mind after I came to the realization she will never be able to accept it. She hasn't brought it up since, and I'm peaceful with this outcome, but all of the things she said about what bi people are--plus what she called that guy in the mall--made me feel like I got stabbed in the stomach. So basically, I came out and went right back in the closet. Might as well have just never opened the closet door at all. I feel so defeated and I just wanted to let it out somewhere where people would understand, so I came here.
I am so sorry about what you are going through. I am entirely socially liberal myself so I don't think it's a big deal if someone is LGBTQ but unfortunately there are some who are really weird about it - like your mom it seems. i don't know what to tell you to tell her, but I know one thing that may be of comfort to you - a lot of parents do not accept their LGBTQ children at first, but learn to with time.
So sorry you have to go through this. My mom reacts similar to mine except she firmly believes the family is not polluted with the gay gene (of course my dad is complete opposite and is a downright self-righteous bigot, can't bother changing his stubborn mindset though)
Once your past the age of consent, what your mother says, that she is accountable for you is no longer true. I heard that type of thinking before, from my God Parents. So I understand where she may get that idea. I am sorry your having to jump back in the closet right now. :icon_sad: But I do know that my cousins were out of their control once they turned 18 *here in Canada* So all they could do is pray for their kids after they moved out.:icon_wink Also I know that one of them had a child and didn't marry the guy, and they still love her, *and btw that is huge in their books* So there is Hope for your mother too.(*hug*) Oh, I'm sorry I forgot. Welcome to the EC. :smilewave This is a really great place to talk about your issues and get feedback on your ideas :icon_bigg
Welcome to EC. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm not fully out and any more coming out is halted at this time, the people I've come out to have all taken it fairly well. Only one didn't, and I just cut her out of my life. I realize that you can't do that with your mother, and that sucks that she reacted that way. I beat myself up over my sexuality all the time because of my upbringing, and it's not healthy. It sounds like you accept yourself, which is a good thing. I'm not there yet. But EC has been a really warm, welcoming place and everyone is so wonderful. Hang in there.
I don't really know how this will turn out for you, because I'm not sure how my situation is going to turn out, but you're mom sounds similar to my dad in a lot of respects. A week ago, I finally worked up the nerve to tell my father that I'm female and his response was that I need to pray, that only God can fix this issue. He told me that my therapist and those who would tell me that this is okay are all unbelievers who's vision has been clouded and so on. He said he's praying for me, and that it's the only thing that can help me. He's also made narrow minded comments like your mother's outburst in the store. He says he loves me regardless, but... well, yeah. At that point, I kind of decided that he knows what he needs to know for right now. I'm easing him into things and will probably continue to do so, but I haven't told him that I intend to transition and actually live as a woman, and probably won't do so until I move out in several months. I won't fault you for appeasing your mother the way you did for the time being because I've been guilty of the same thing. If you feel you have to remain slightly closeted for a while, then so be it. It's kind of about emotional survival right now. I think there's a strong likely hood that your mother could eventually come around, but it might take some time. For right now, if you plan to continue pursuing this situation with your mother, just take it slowly. Good luck. I hope you'll keep us updated if things change
I second Alexis. Your mother very well may come around. Once they see you are still the you you've always been, people tend to come around a little better in my limited experience.
Thanks for all of the positive replies you guys! My dad still doesn't know, my mom has been acting totally normal since our text conversation today, and my brother told me he has my back and he loves and accepts me for who I am and he'll never love me any different. So I guess it's okay for now.
It was slightly better today, she didn't bring it up at all, but we saw A (my lesbian friend) at a hockey game tonight, and I ran to go hug her and we were talking and my mom had this kind of forced smile on her face. And then during halftime or whatever you wanna call it between periods, they were playing Gangnam Style and I leaned over and laughed to my mom, "Wish I knew which section A and some of her other friends were sitting in, so I could watch her make a fool of herself like I'm sure she is right now" (she's very hyperactive x'D) and my mom crossed her arms and gave me this kind of pouty, angry smile and goes, "I don't like A much. But she's your friend so I'll be polite to her." Which is messed up. First impression of A, way back in March when we met, was "I'm not sure. I don't like her but I don't know her well enough to judge her." Then she said she likes A, but now, basically within two days of me coming out as bi and Mom blaming A and K (because A and K have political opinions that don't agree with hers, and she knows A's a lesbian) she doesn't like A? Not to mention the fact she thinks that A and K "poisoned" my head. If I told her I've had 'liberal' ideas, thoughts and feelings for far far far longer than A and K have been in my life, I don't know how she'd react, but it wouldn't be pretty. I just ignored her comment about A and changed the subject. She hasn't brought it up at all, though sometimes I think she makes comments that are jabbing at me coming out. I feel at peace with how the situation has progressed in itself. What's frustrating me now is her ignorance and her comments. I don't think she even realizes her comments or sudden newfound dislike of A are ignorance and biphobia/homophobia, but they are at a subconscious level, and THAT is what agitates me. Fingers crossed this sorts itself out and she just eventually forgets about it and assumes it was a phase.
So we were in the car alone today for like 15 minutes and she didn't bring it up at all. I don't know if this is a good sign or a bad sign. I'm probably just reading into things, but I'm sure you all can understand why I would be doing that.
She's probably still in the denial stage, and I suppose will be unless you decide to be honestly open one day and give her the opening she needs to come to acceptance. I understand of course why you did go back in, but congrats on giving it a shot and actually telling her for the first time. (*hug*) Maybe someday you'll feel more ready to be open about yourself, maybe when you don't live with your mom any longer. Feel free to vent/rant/post whatever here whenever you need, or if you just need people to understand. <3
