Sorry for the long post, I have nobody to talk to. When I moved to college, I thought I'd make tons of friends and be able to be myself. I'm now 3 semesters into college. I don't fit the stereotypes and I just got back from break a few days ago, where my parents made it very clear how they feel about gay people through comments about others. Puke face and everything. The remainder of my family is about the same way. My grandmother once turned the T.V. to Jerry Springer because a homosexual character was on a sitcom. I guess Jerry Springer is the lesser of the two evils. I have zero friends at school, the acquaintances I do have are homophobic and I recently discovered that my best friend has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is slightly homophobic. On top of this, I'm failing two of my classes. I've thought about suicide but I think I'm probably too much of a wuss at the moment. I feel like I'm trapped. I can't come out to anyone because I have no support system to fall back on to if I get rejected and I have no support system for that issue partly because I haven't been real with anyone. I only have one good friend and since he's a narcissist, not only would he be a terrible support system, but he would probably reject me anyhow. Are there any obvious good moves here that I'm missing?
I don't know who you are, and I don't know anything about your character, your beliefs, or anything else about you other than what you have just posted here above my post. But what I can tell you is that I know how you are feeling, and I can directly relate to the hurt you are feeling in your heart. It is a very scary thing when you feel so isolated and cold, but it's even scarier when you begin to think that the world wouldn't care if you decided to take your own life. When I read your post, a tear fell from my eye, and I am being absolutely truthfull when I say that. Because when i read your post, i saw myself not too long ago, when i too was just starting out in college, and i too felt alone and burdened with my sexual orientation. I am not out to my parents yet, but i am out to four of those who i consider my closest friends, as well as those here in Empty Closets. Even though i cannot say that it gets better once you are completely out (because i too am still closeted). But i can tell you that it will gradually get better with time. And you have every ability to succeed in living out your life happily. I don't know you, but i believe in you, and i can honestly say that my heart is breaking for you. And please, if you need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to post on my wall. (don't have access to the chat yet) I am here to offer up help, as well as the many hundreds of people here on this sight who have been or are going through what you are going through. Please, don't give up, you have to fight, you have so much potential. There are so many people who care about you, and i am included.
It's strange how similar your story is to mine. I have very few friends, most of which are mildly homophobic, my parents do the same thing by bringing up other gay people (most of the time they don't even give the gay characters on shows and movies a chance, they just judge them immediately). I don't feel safe in my community, and I definitely don't fit in. But I know I can't give up hope. Despite what everyone says, I'm me. And I'm not going to let them get to me. Like you, I considered suicide... only once, but sometimes that could end up being the first and last time you think about it, if you catch my drift. I know you don't know me, but please hear me out: Don't let other people get you down! And please don't commit suicide! If you need someone to talk to again, you can always talk to me
I know my family will be very accepting of me yet I'm still terrified of telling them. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be in your situation, it must be very lonely. Is there not anybody, a good friend or family member maybe, who you know isn't homophobic who you would feel comfortable telling? If you can manage to tell just one person I can guarentee you'll feel much less lonely. Good luck, and please don't do anything stupid. Homophobia is mainly a product of ignorance, your family loves you and the chances are they'd still love you if they knew you were gay. Good luck (*hug*)
