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my latest coming out to my straight crush (didn't go as I had wanted)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by dan427, Nov 26, 2012.

  1. dan427

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    So I've had my share of falling for a straight friend who I had become good friends with. I believe I've had 6 of them. Only one turned out the way I wanted it to be. Before I start, I just wanted you guys here to know that I finally made a promise to myself that this will be the last time I put myself in that kind of situation. If I feel like I'm getting closer to a guy whom I think is attractive, I will let it be known that I'm into guys early on. It just hurts too much to be in that situation.

    Ok, so I'm not very good at storytelling. So I'll just try to keep it short and you guys can ask whatever you want to know about it. Basically, I've known him for about 6 months now. We became good friends since day 1. Tennis brought us together since we met at a tennis court and we're both very passionate about it.

    While he never really talked about girls or dating in general, I guess deep down inside I figured he's straight, or at least into girls - for sure. But he is just so different compared to most guys who always talk about or checking out girls. He just kept it to himself. My feelings for him grew stronger overtime as our friendship grew closer. We were no longer just tennis buddies. We would eat out some time, play video games together, he even cooked for me. I then started to wonder if maybe he's bi. I started to obsess over him and wanted to know everything about him. I'll leave out the details on this - but all I can say is I've never been so obsessed with someone before even I creeped myself out..

    A few days ago, he accidentally found out I was 'stalking' him - while I was there. So you can imagine how awkward the situation was. Surprisingly, he didn't think it was a big deal. So I thought, "ok, you're caught red-handed now, there is no better time to come out than now". So I did, thinking/hoping that he could be bi. Turns out, he's not. He even said being gay is wrong and unhealthy. I tried to argue that point with him, although I knew it must be hard for him to handle so much information in one time.

    I guess the reason why I felt I needed to share my experience is so that some of you can learn from my experience:
    - even if you're sure he's into you, or that he's bi or gay, you won't really know until you ask them. Sure, I mean some of them might be in denial, but in my case, this guy is just so unassuming in life that he was oblivious that I was into him and that he, in a way, had been leading me on.
    - when you're planning to come out to him verbally, make sure you do it somewhere private. I had thought about telling him at the place we usually eat, and I could just imagine it would be so awkward having that discussion if there were other people around considering he was quite defensive about his sexuality.

    ok, that's it for now, I guess. I'll come back again to see the response.
     
  2. Annie

    Annie Guest

    Wow, I'm really sorry that happened to you, I really know how that feels, and I just want to tell you I'm very surprised that you knew how to handle the situation. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who wants to be as smart as you!
     
  3. dan427

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    Thanks, Annie. It really does suck. I was not in a good place before and right after coming out to him. That's why I wanted to share my experience. I have mostly myself to blame because I knew going into this I could be very well hurt and yet I did it anyway. I just couldn't believe someone can be that blind about attractions and such. I really had my hope high a few days prior to coming out since he basically asked me to share a living space!

    At least right now I have some closure. I no longer have panic attacks if I didn't hear back from him for more than a few days. I mean, what is left to wonder? I realize I'm nothing more than a casual friend to him :icon_sad:

    I have no problem being out. It's just that most people can't tell I'm gay right off the bat. And there's always that part of me who always wanted to please everybody. I know it's weird because somehow I feel I'm letting people down if I exposed them to the fact that I am gay. This is another thing I will have to work out on.
     
  4. TKM

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    Omg your post really helped me I have the same thing going on right now I want to tell this girl I have a Crush on I like her and that I'm gay but I'm not sure she feels the Same way (I think she's gay). But Im going to take your experience into consideration and think about what I should do. Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  5. Hoofbeats

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    Here's a thing that it took me years to learn. Sometimes, it is actually a beautiful thing for a person to be a true friend without feeling sexual attraction towards you. A real, feep friendship that is not based on sexual goals is an amazing thing. I had it happen this way: I was interested in a girl, who, because of her straight orientation was not into me "like that." Have a super friendship with her now still.. at first, I thought that she showed signs of being interested "like that." Turns out, she is just really touchy-feely to everyone that she is close to. Well, I struggled for a little while with feelings of attraction toward her; I never "owned up" per se to her, but I knew from comments and the like that she is/was straight, and was sincerely just my friend because of the good person that I am, and the awesome connection that we share. Not because she wanted to get into my jeans. It was a wake up call; it was flattering beyond measure not to just have someone want my ass; but to want a deep connection other than sex. And people always complain about being friendzoned.. I'd rather have an amazing soul befriend me closely, than have, say, a one-night-stand in a bathroom with them. If this makes any sense.. I am really glad that I never told her about my now-dissipated lust for her, because what if she thought that's all I wanted?
     
  6. Annie

    Annie Guest

    WOW, that's exactly how I feel. I just can't believe someone I don't even know feels exactly as I do. You know what's the good part in all of this? We all have each other. Through all this time I've learned that in gay community people really care about each other, and that's beautiful. I don't know you, but I wanna help you, and I just want you to know that. If you ever need to talk to someone, here I am(*hug*).
     
  7. dan427

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    My advice is to come out to her but don't tell her you like her that way yet. The latter can wait and should be much easier once you are honest about your sexuality. This should be a rule of thumb for every gay person who has a crush on someone who they think might be straight: come out first then, later, depends on their reaction, tell them you like them. Otherwise, it will be too much for them to take in.

    I also suggest preparing for the worst case scenario - always. No matter how sure you are that they might be interested in you in that way. People can be so clueless about these kinds of situations, and they don't realize that they were leading you on.

    Be wise, but good luck. Hopefully it turns out well for you.

    ---------- Post added 27th Nov 2012 at 04:25 PM ----------

    I know what you mean. I kept telling myself I could be just a real good friend to him. He certainly considered me his good friend. But it was eating me inside to keep the fact that I was interested in him. I would get upset if I text him and he didn't response quickly enough. It was not normal for me, as a friend, to get upset over little things like that because I'm usually really laid back and understanding to my friends' busy schedule. It was becoming unhealthy for me.

    The feelings that I have for him are definitely more romantic than sexual. I very rarely think of him in a sexual way. I adore his personality and I admire his values and kindness. He's a true selfless and altruistic person from what I've seen so far.

    I knew I had to be honest with him. I basically told him "I like guys more than I like girls". I didn't say I like him. But considering he caught me stalking him, it's easy to put 2 and 2 together. For someone who said gay is wrong and unhealthy, he took it pretty well though. He asked some questions about my situation, and told me that it shouldn't get in the way of us playing tennis. Although at the same time he emphasized a few times that he's only into girls.

    I told him "I don't think of you in a dirty way. I'm not trying to get in your pants. I like you as a person". He acknowledges that. I would certainly love to keep my friendship with him. But I can't do it without being honest to him. I think for our friendship to last in a healthy way, I knew I had to come out to him. One of the last things he said before I left that night was "just don't be awkward with me. Otherwise you'll make me feel awkward." So maybe there is a chance to maintain this good friendship with him. But who knows... only time will tell, right.
     
  8. Mirko

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    Hi there! Having some closure on it all is good, and that very closure will help you to move on form your feelings for him.

    From what you have said, it seems that he is accepting you, and will most likely be there for you in the future. I think there is a good chance to maintain the friendship, with the maintaining of healthy boundaries and respecting them. (*hug*)
     
  9. dan427

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    I'm glad EC exists. I learned so much about life experiences from the threads here, and I wanted to share mine hoping that at least I can help one or two people make better decisions about their situation. I'll keep you offer in mind, Annie :slight_smile:. I will definitely be sticking around and ask more questions and input from fellow ECers.

    ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2012 at 08:51 AM ----------

    Thanks Mirko! I can already feel I am moving on. Still, last night after reading your words that he will most likely still be there for me in the future, I found myself break down and cry. I guess I needed to hear that confirmation from someone else.
     
  10. CrazyAntFarm

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    Hi Dan. I went through this exact same situation last year, and I even posted about it here on EC. I don't make threads very often, so it's probably still in my profile. I was so sure that my friend was gay that I came out to him and told him about my crush at the same time. He reacted in a similar way as your friend and got very defensive about his sexuality.

    To be honest, a part of me still thinks he's in denial, but I can only go by what he says obviously. Anyway, it took a while before our friendship was back to normal again (close to six months actually). Now, we communicate about the same as we did before, but the romantic feelings I had for him are completely gone.

    It was a pretty low point for me because I was damn near obssessing over him, and looking back now, I have no idea what I saw in him lol.
     
  11. 341

    341 Guest

    I kind of got myself into this situation when I was young and dumb (still am :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:), I was so sure this guy was gay so I came out to him. I did have feelings for him but I thought if I told him that it would just be too much for him to process at once.

    I told him and then he generally just said "Ok, cool", trying to then avoid the subject, which was quite awkward. Turns out a year after I left the area (Where we both lived), he came out publicly.

    This news really shocked me, because of the response he had of me coming out to him. I could have imagined from the vibe I got from his response with me coming out to him, he would not had taken me telling him how I felt too well.

    I then begun to understand, I would had responded the same way he did if I was still in the closet. I guess sometimes, even if they're gay/bisexual, that does not mean they will take the news too well.
     
  12. dan427

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    Just an update on my situation: after a week of no contact, he texted me. I think this is a good sign from him. I still wanna be careful with him though, because I really think the whole thing is still quite delicate. Granted, on a normal condition he would've texted me anyway considering we had signed up for a tennis tournament that is coming up real soon. The text was just basically him asking about the tournament draw. I tried my best to respond as 'normal' as I would have. I'll still have to see how we are in person.

    ---------- Post added 30th Nov 2012 at 05:55 PM ----------

    I don't know if my crush is in denial or not. But I will respect the fact that he said he's straight and I will treat him as such. You're absolutely right: we can only go by what the person says.
    I don't know if my romantic feelings for him will go away though. Usually the reason I got over my crush is either I find something to hate about them, or we are separated by hundreds of miles. He's practically my neighbour and he's beautiful inside and out :confused: lol

    ---------- Post added 30th Nov 2012 at 06:00 PM ----------

    I totally agree with you, 341. Good analysis and thanks for sharing your story!