My Coming Out Story

What could be more appropriate than this sort of introduction? I suppose beating around the bush with half-hearted hellos and a normal "hey, I'm queer, nice to meet you" would do, but that doesn't really scream "me" unfortunately. Anyway, it might not be that different from any of your stories, but I hope that I can help someone with my struggles and realizations.

Here goes nothing.

PS: This is quite long, so if you want, just skip down to the TLDR Morals. xD
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I've never really questioned my sexuality.

No really, I never had that moment of epiphany in my early tween/teen days. All of my infatuations (calling them crushes would be misleading) were guys, albeit feminine-looking guys, but guys nonetheless. However, I was never truly in "love" with any of them. I was more or less just happy to include them in my fantasy world, where nothing could go wrong and I could never be rejected. My relationship with women was the complete opposite of this. I felt it more socially acceptable to befriend females more closely than males, so it was easier to not question my feelings for them. In fact, I'm sure that social rules had an incredible amount of sway in my decision making when hanging out with either boys or girls. I felt shy, reserved, and more self-conscious around boys. I always felt like I had to please them. With girls, however, I never felt that pressure. I was free to be myself because I chose female friends who were more compatible with me. Of course I had male friends later on that I felt relaxed with, but it took quite a bit of time before I loosened up.

So, you might be thinking, "that just means you LIKE boys romantically, and girls just as friends!" Errr, that's where things get... complicated.

You see, I consider myself pretty demisexual when it comes to sexual feelings. I can like people, but I won't feel physically attracted to them unless I like them emotionally and mentally first. In fact, this was more or less proven with my creepily close relationships with girls. I felt physically attracted to them, but I never questioned that. I liked the way they looked suddenly, and I always felt my gaze lingering on their figure... but that wasn't odd? Looking back, I suppose I never made that connection because I was so innocent. I didn't even really masturbate until I was seventeen.

Moving forward a couple of years, I'm in my senior year of high school. I'm completely and utterly infatuated with this boy who I've sort of liked for a couple of years now, but now that we're in classes together, I feel myself attracted to him. I don't know if it was sexual or not, I never felt "aroused," just... shy? Or like a try hard. Not to mention I was a completely hormonal mess and was desperate to feel normal and wanted. (I.E: I really, really wanted a boyfriend).

But then, I met someone. We'll call her "Catherine" for now.

Catherine was in the same class as him, so I felt myself really conflicted. I wanted both of their attentions, but with her, I wasn't as shy. I got to know her very well, and was very persistent to earn her friendship (she was very reserved and sort of misanthropic, haha). In the end, we truly bonded during the first homecoming I ever attended. I had been invited to go by this really nice boy I knew from German class, and I was pretty excited that I had been asked out. (My self esteem was very low at this period of time and I was also struggling with body dysmorphia). I didn't like him romantically, but I agreed to go because he mentioned that she'd be there. I'm ashamed to admit that I accepted his request because of how excited I was that I'd get to see her, but well, that's how it went.

So we went to a restaurant as group, and I couldn't even look at her she was so gorgeous. For the first time I felt shy over a girl! The butterflies didn't stop there, as throughout the night we had little opportunity to see each other, but when we did I nervously chattered on like an idiot. Anyway, to make a long story short, I ended up ditching my date to go to her friend "Amy's" house and watch a movie together. I don't even remember what it was, for we were all laughing and giggling the entire time. I did not know this at the time, but Catherine was crushing hardcore on her friend Amy.

So I guess this was the first episode. The first time I ever truly questioned my "straightness," whatever that meant. I had always had a passion for equal rights and was vice president of the LGBTQ Club at my High School, but I had always considered myself a passionate ally.

Who would have known that my world would be turned upside down?

The subsequent string of events that would happen months after I had graduated really shaped what I have become now, and I consider myself a stronger person for having done it. Of course, looking back, I had many doubts, but I'm glad I didn't give up on myself.

Catherine and I started dating December of 2012 right after a friend of ours had suggested we go out. I swear to you, I almost had a mental break down. Shit really hit the fan when we first kissed. I was confused, scared, cowardly... and just plain silly. I told her I felt nothing when we kissed, compared her to my cat, and then left (I had been sleeping over that night) sobbing and deeply hurt. She cried, and I felt terrible. I knew she loved me, but I still didn't know where I stood. Honestly, those moments are just so blurry now, and I prefer not to think back, even though it's healthy to explore why you do things.

I guess this is the hard part now.

Anyway, we decided to not "see or talk" to one another after that, but we just couldn't help ourselves. We facebooked each other long paragraphs explaining our feelings and at some points we really hurt each other. I felt suicidal, like my heart was racing faster than my body could take it, and I didn't eat regularly for a few weeks after. I decided to give it another go after I just couldn't take not being friends anymore, this time with more gusto than I had to back up. I declared our relationship status on facebook for the entire world to see, my parents knew by now, etc... Sigh. My parents. I haven't even talked about their impact on this whole thing yet, and they're by far the biggest influence I had early on when deciding what my feelings were.

Anyway, we broke up a second time. This one was by far the worst. I laid around the house, moping, my parents showering me with gifts (that's how I got my computer), and me desperately trying not to message her again. Of course, we couldn't stay away again. I couldn't come to terms yet with my own sexuality, and my parents vehemently telling me that I was straight and just being "seduced by her wily ways" (which is just the most ridiculous assertion ever) didn't help. I just wanted to be friends, and cuddle, and spend hours together like we used to. Then I started actually thinking about what I wanted. I wanted all the things people want out of a relationship, and I'd never felt this way for anyone else before. She was more than an infatuation, she was my first real crush. I believe I had developed that crush long before we knew we wanted to see each other, and of course long before I had my first mental breakdown... still, struggling and coming to terms with my ever changing attitudes towards people and myself was the hardest thing to go through.

In the end, I suppose if I look back, I would tell myself to be more understanding of my parents, to be more respectful of their feelings. Although they tried to invalidate mine by saying I was confused, it was really them that were confused... confused on where "they went wrong." It's a hard journey but time is the best medicine. My mother sort of came around almost a year later, even if almost every time I try to bring it up she changes the subject. My father is still hardcore deluding himself that i'll "turn straight" by some miracle of God.

That's fine.

My parents opinions of my life and me do not make me. I make me. It's my choice to live out my life and showcase my feelings honestly.

TLDR MORALS:
I learned that although some parents may mean well, they don't always have all the answers.
People who are raised with one mindset are very hard to convince.
I don't need to convince anyone.
I should love myself as I am so that others have the opportunity to love me back.
No one's perfect.
I learned that fooling around in your parents house almost immediately results in being outed in the most embarrassing way possible.
Opinions others have of you do not make you or break you.
Giving in to negativity only gives it power over your life!

Well, that's all folks. A lengthy introduction, but a chapter in my life I needed to write. I hope everyone here is solving the challenges they face productively and with limited stressful moments.