how to deal with questioning at the end of a 3 year hetero relationship

If you feel you could bear a "coming out" story of uncertainty, still inconclusive, then please read on and share your thoughts.

I'm a 21 year old girl who is about to head to graduate school, and severely in need of room to grow and new space. Call me Robin Vote.

So, I made this account. Obviously I need to bring some things to light.

What to do about questioning feelings while in the death throes of a three year hetero-relationship with your best friend?

I won't delve deeply into my sexuality just now - I've only begun to acknowledge that I am not straight, whatever I am. I desire women, I think, but I have loved men. It's hard to be sure of anything, so I'm not rushing into that right now. This website has been the first outreach I've managed on the subject.


So, I'm trying to decide whether I can tell my three year boyfriend about my questioning sexuality revelations during our tremendously sad breakup. I wouldn't say that it's the only or most important reason for our impending end, and I'm really not ready to try explaining myself to anyone yet. It feels so fragile, this newly acknowledged part of myself, and our current situation makes me far too insecure to share it with him. Even though he would do anything for me and will love me fiercely until I make him let go... I just can't trust him not to be so hurt that he attacks my uncertainty or feels compelled to share it with others while seeking comfort.


I need to tell someone about this, however. I've been walking around with a racing heart and clenched teeth for a week since I realized that I cannot go on ignoring this part of myself any longer. That realization hit me like a 10ft wave a few days after I knew I had to end my relationship. It feels like a separate thing - an intimately personal thing - but it is obviously a part of the relationship crash, too.

My break-up is much more to do with a need for independence than a mere stagnation due to sexuality. He and I have been maintaining a transatlantic relationship as best we could for all this time... and for half of that time it was really worth the wait. We spent semesters together here and there and have lived through every level of distance from sharing a sink for months to half a year on skype. Though at first the closeness was amazing, I've never really enjoyed sex with him since the first time we had "went all the way." (don't know how sensitive this forum is to sex words) That means only the first year was any good for me, physically, and it utterly collapsed at the moment it was supposed to culminate into deeper trust, intimacy, etc.

In the last half year, as graduate school looms before me as this great escape and opportunity to redefine myself, I've let us slip through my fingers. I let it happen and hoped it would quietly pass away, which was probably cowardly and should have been a strong sign to me much earlier.

I don't want any semblance of a relationship as I move into a new city, a new program, a new sphere of professional and life relationships, and a much higher platform of standards all around. I can't handle the thought of patching us together for another few years only to inevitably find one of us compromising for the other just to live in the same place. I don't feel anything for him, romantically, any more - because of this and because I know he cannot understand me if I change as much as I must change to be happy. At this point in my life I cannot imagine ever being romantically involved with him again. Or with men for that matter. So... what to do about the truth?

The truth is that I'm confused and definitely not straight. I've always been this way, but I've never admitted it. I've been lying to myself and thus to everyone else and have never felt quite sure of myself. So, what? Do I just fling that at him and expect him to understand and not feel irrationally jealous of the specters he may conjure? Would it be better for him to deal with this right now when this is all happening, or should I keep the secret from him until I understand it myself? Or should he ever know? I'm not sure if we'll be able to save our friendship as it is...


Is this coming out? I need to tell someone, but the people who probably need to know... I just can't expose myself to yet. I don't know what I want, but I want to tell someone.


I was thinking of telling one of my friends, "Rob." He is gay and has openly identified as such for most of his life. We're not the closest of pals, but we talk often and are usually happy to see each other. I have even caught the sense that he somehow suspected some of this well before I ever acknowledged it myself. I just need someone to vent to and ask questions of that knows me and can be sympathetic to my confusion.


-Robin

 

Thanks so much for sharing Really.

I think that the hardest part of all of this is trying to give my boyfriend a big enough reason for us to be over. We're compatible in a million ways - just not in some of the most important ones. I really think that even if I wasn't having the orientation identity issues I would be unhappy with our relationship. Perhaps even as unwilling to do anything about it.

It's going to be difficult... to end us and make him believe and understand my need to move on alone. Now that I'm starting to admit this side of myself it feels more and more important to the need for freedom. I hope I can make half of the truth into a fair break up... There's just no way I can continue with him without being dishonest to one of us.

-R