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A terrifying relief

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by kaybee21, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. kaybee21

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    I'm 21 and I just came out to a close friend first about 3 months ago. She just looked at me and was like "oh thank god! I have been waiting for you to be comfortable enough to tell me this for years now!" and so that was lovely, but every since then it has just spiraled out of control. People finding out in ways I am not even sure of and taking it upon themselves to tell other people. I was at a party last week and someone was telling a story-- with me right there-- and they said, "and this girl...? gay as f***!!!" and I just... stood there with the whole deer in the headlights look I think. I guess what I've struggled most with since coming out is just that for whatever reason people feel it's okay to share that information. It's not so much that I want to keep my sexuality a secret, but moreover, 1. it took me YEARS to tell my closest friend, 2. Knowing that things would be ok after telling her (as she's gay as well), it took me so so long to feel safe enough to do so, 3. I just feel like that's my news to tell. I sort of thought there was this unwritten rule where you just didn't out other people-- especially if you were in the community yourself! Doesn't everyone remember what a scary idea coming out was right in the beginning? I suppose I most wonder why my coming out isn't something that is left respected and up to me. I understand that things are bound to snowball a little out of my control, but I feel like this has almost crossed a line...
     
  2. MixedNutz

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    You are completely right.

    No one should ever feel its their place to inform others about someone else's sexuality. Wo ever initially crossed that line needs to be told even if it is to late.

    However, it may save you some stress as far as the coming out process goes.
     
  3. kaybee21

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    I think that's a big part of probably why I'm not like, seething mad that she's done this (repeatedly) because I know she means well, and isn't trying to be malicious.
    And too, I think you're right about saving me some stress, because people will come up to me and be like 'hey we know' and after I have that temporary moment of 'ohmygod what now?!' they're just always like, 'yeah ___ told us'.

    I'm kind of torn because it is kind of a relief to have these people be so nonchalant about it, and while I was stressing about telling them she just up and did it, and I'm not sure if I should tell her to back down, even tho no one has reacted adversely (yet) or almost thank her for saving me the trouble and stress of it all.
     
  4. Lucky Oshawott

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    I agree with this so much. It's like you said, it's not about keeping it a secret, but it's still your business. I mean, I was in school and this kid 1 or 2 years below me was just like "are you gay?" I mean, I don't even know this kid, so where he's hearing it is beyond me, so I just say "yes, anything else?" But he just stands there staring and then laughs and tells his friend "Guess what! This guy's gay!" And it just feels like everything you used to be afraid of is going to happen. Anyway, I try not to let it bother me and just say "Is that a problem??" With my angry face X_X and the kid just leaves with his friends. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less about what he thinks of me, but it just takes us back to the feeling of being alienated or frowned upon. I don't know, that's just how I see it, I guess.
     
  5. WilliamM

    WilliamM Guest

    Yah outing other people isnt a very nice thing to do unless you give that person permission to tell a few select people. Congrats on working up the courage to tell your friend though :slight_smile:
     
  6. The Queen Bee

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    Sadly, that's something straight people understand shit about.
    They just have no idea.

    I mean... I can't really say much. The few times I've been outed I was already comfortable with the whole idea, so it didn't really bother me.
    But, it has happened to me that people are trying to sort of ask me if I'm gay (or about my sexuality), which I find intrusive and a couple of times very ackward... I'm like "that's not your problem".

    What you can do is tell people that your sexuality is yours and only yours to talk about. You can also tell them that, well... "You and I are not so close, so don't expect to open up to someone like you about my personal matters", it's a bit harsh... But, I think it'll do the trick. For some reason some people think that because we're gay we automatically want to talk 24/7 about out sexuality. Urgh!!!
    Well... No, we don't. At least, some of us don't. That's highly personal.


    Some people can be very insensitive about the matter and idiotically think that it's about them... Since they don't mind people being gay that automatically means that we should come out to them and talk gay to them. *rolls eyes*
    IDIOTS!! It's about you... It's about us being confortable about it.


    Best of luck, woman...
    One way or another we've all been there.
     
  7. Robin Vote

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    First of all, congrats on coming out to your friend. It was months ago, but still. I just went through that with a friend of mine, also gay, and it was... intense. And intensely personal! I'm sorry you've been outed a few times like that. I couldn't imagine... I told my friend, R, first precisely because I know he would never spill the beans to anyone. Even though I want to tell someone else, I'm terrified of the risk he might share it with someone.

    I think you have every right to be pissed off about it. I would be. It's not okay to announce sexual disclaimers about straight friends/people to random strangers. It's not okay to talk about straight friends' sexuality so nonchalantly - at least not in the usual case. I don't know why people think that being gay/bi/queer/whatever is exceptional in that sense. Just because you fancy someone not typical according to their views, it's okay to joke or tease or chat about it with anyone? No.


    I guess all you can do is own it and rebuke them for treating something so intimate and personal... so lightly and callously.

     
  8. kaybee21

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    Thanks everyone, getting the opinions from you all that it's okay to be displeased with the fact that I'm being outed left and right. I saw my friend today that's been doing the outing (who is very very openly gay) and I said, 'listen you're lucky I love you or I'd be really pissed you're outing me all the time!' and she was so like, 'what?!... you didn't want those people to know' and I think genuinely was clueless to the matter. So she apologized, and said it wouldn't happen again unless I gave her permission, and it was so normal for her to see me as gay (she's the girlfriend of my close friend whom I told first) that it didn't even occur to her that it would be news to other people.