So I came out as pansexual to everyone I knew about 2 years ago, and everything was awesome. I was lucky enough to have supportive friends, my mum was proud of me telling her and I also inspired a friend to come out as pans as well, which was cool. Since then though, I've been thinking a lot about my gender and sexuality, and I've pretty much found that I'm transgendered (ftm), rather than just identifying as androgynous or genderqueer. I told my mum all of this, thinking she'd be fine with it, but it wasn't so great. I mean she doesn't mind as such, she's not homophobic or transphobic (is that a term?) or anything, she just keeps putting little hints into conversations, like she said to me "I did some research and if you were trans, it would have been obvious when you were young, and you weren't very male when you were a child" and also I got my hair cut really short, and she emailed me a picture of a girly bob hair cut saying "you should get your hair cut like this next time." And when I talked to her about changing my name legally and my passport to say male, she just said "you don't need to because a name and male or female are just labels, it doesn't matter." And it really does matter to me. I mean imagine being a really butch, manly man and being called like Isobel. You wouldn't be that pleased about it. To me it just feels like she doesn't believe me, or that she doesn't want me to be trans and is trying to convince me that I'm a girl, when I know who I am, or at least I do better than she does. In a way it'd be easier if she was mad with me and hated me for it, because I can deal with anger, I just can't deal with her not accepting me for who I am, when I really just need some support because I haven't told any of my friends that I'm trans. :help:
Hmm.. In a way it is good that your mother was initially supportive. But could it be that she somehow feels like she "encouraged" you towards transexuality, by being accepting the first time, and now is freaking out about it, because of the potential difficulties you could be facing in the future? Have you talked about this properly with your mother? More than just the initial "come out" talk? Have you told her about how it makes you feel when she remarks like this? It sounds to me like your mother is panicking a little over the changes you will make, and is somehow "blaming" herself a little. Maybe she is afraid you are making a mistake, and that it will be her fault in a way? I am just thinking "out loud" as her initial reaction makes me peg her as a person capable of tolerance and acceptance, so her suddenly stamping down on the breaks point towards there being some feelings there that she is struggling with. I don`t think it is merely that she does not believe you, I think the matter is a bit more complicated. She probably does not want you to be trans, because you are her child, and in her eyes, a trans would face considerable difficulties. A lot of parents get afraid when they hear that you are gay or transgendered, because they do care and they don`t want to see you in pain. She probably does not understand how much her remarks are bothering you. For a person not going through what you are going through, it can be difficult to understand it, unless the person knows other transgenders who they can talk to. Have you considered gathering up some information, brochyres and stuff, and give it to her, put it on a table discreetly or something? How long is it since you told her? She probably needs some time to digest it, even after she has gotten some more information about it. I understand that this is a difficult situation for you, but keep your hope up. And I would try to communicate with her without getting angry, because then you are bound to talk "past each other". And I agree, I definitely would not feel very manly if I was named Isobel. It is a very pretty name, but not exactly masculine Though I know a few guys called Dana. It was a bit strange to me, but heck, I am Norwegian, so what do I know... In any case, all the best luck to you, I am sure your mother will come around in time *hug!*
That is really difficult to handle, personally Ive founf that parents arent easily swayed when it comes to their mind set on things so its easier to let them role with what they think is right and then just role your eyes and do your own thing.. I'm 17 too and its so hard when you live under your parents roof to be yourself when they dont understand or want to accept who you are. I dont think its a case of youre mum doesnt believe you or thinks your making it up or anything like that. I think she is just struggling to accept the idea that her baby is not who she has bought you up to be and expected you to be. Let her have her time to accept it and if in 6 months or so she is STILL on your back its probably time for a talk so you can explain and help set things straight (or bent if you want to get technical!). My approach to my sexuality is a case of I have my whole life to be myself I can hang in there for a year till I move out.. Idk it may be a wee bit harder for you because you are a visibly different person to who you want to be not a behaviorally different person (if that makes sense).. but I like to think of it as one year and I can do it my way so I just gotta hang in there. Good Luck with the whole thing and massive hugs to you, I hope my perspective kinda helped..
Thank you both so much! It's really helped me. What both of you said makes perfect sense, I think she probably just needs a bit of time. It's just really hard for me to understand what she's thinking (or what anyone thinks for that matter), but she did mention that she would rather I was happy with who I was so it would be easier for me. I understand where she's coming from I suppose, but I'm not happy with who I am, so what's the use wishing for it? I'm meant to be a boy and I'm not one, that's not going to change.
I went through a time when I insisted I was male to my family (but I never mentioned the word trans). And my mum had a similar reaction. She'd emotionally manipulate me whilst still be charming about it. I was so confused!! So I decided mum must be right and I tried to continue living as a girl. That confused things and made me angry and upset. So this time I'm not saying a word to her about being a boy as I know that she'll keep telling me that I'm not one which hurts.
I think she just needs time. My parents have done something similar. The day after I came out to them, they were like "let's just keep this between us." Which was fine and then my mom goes and says that she doesn't want me to label myself as trans because it's just a label and I am who I am. Okay that's fine too, but I had to put a label on it in order to tell them who I am. It's like saying a gay man can't say he's gay. The other day I told my mom that I wanted a haircut because my hair is too long for my liking (almost past my shoulders) and she was like just a trim right? So I told her no, I actually want to go shorter. She gave me such a weird look and asked why? We were in public so I didn't answer; but I feel like that I never really did come out to them and it was all just a dream.
Omg Niko I totally feel the same. I keep wanting to come out again because it's like "hey mum, remember that time I told you I'm a boy? Guess what, I'm still a boy." And she's the same with the label thing. Like I agree some labels are stupid, like people labeling themselves "emo" or "Scene" or "preppy" or whatever, but labels for sexuality and/ or gender just make it so much less complicated to explain to others.
Right? It's like, just because I came out to you doesn't mean I changed. And I can agree with that completely. So maybe they're just in denial or something. Who knows, but hopefully they'll accept it eventually.
