Came out to my dad on christmas.

Well its a bit of a drunken haze that is. But long story short was my father and i drank alot. from what i can accurtly cout was 1 bottle of wine, 1 bottle of scotch, 1 bottle of crown royal and 1 bottle of brandy lol. So clearly liquid courage took over and im very happy it did. i left my parents early this morning but i got back to my place and wrote my dad an email to further explain my situation to him. BTW he took the news amazingly well. i asked him if he was dissapointed and he said the only thing he was disspointed about is that it took me this long to tell him. But heres my email.

Pop,

Honestly where do i start. For me the hardest part is done. I never would have thought in a million years id be having this conversation with you. I guess the best place to start would be to honestly tell you how i feel. When i told you over the years that i had a growing a disdain for you i wasn't lying. Take a breath and relax because now that disdain is gone. However every fight, every argument, every time Ive been angry it was because of this secret. Ive become so angry over the years that holding this has turned my blood into poison. over the years Ive become more disenchanted and our relationship has become strained. You may have never notice but i felt that there was a growing abyss between you and i that no matter how hard i tried to reconnect or fix it i couldn't, i couldn't fix it because the underlying problem could never be said, or so i thought. Ive been holding this in for 20 years and every day that passes i die a little bit more inside. My biggest fear was i never wanted to disappoint you. Out of all the people in this world you are the one i hold in my highest regards. I love you and respect you so much i was ready and willing to live a long and unhappy life just so i would never have to break your heart. All my life i have been struggling with this part of myself. No matter how hard i fought it, it was inevitably going to kill me if i didn't let it out. I would be lying if told that the thought of killing myself never crossed my mind. At some points i literally thought that it may just be better for you to have a dead son than a gay one. I felt as if i had a chained up anchor around my neck and that it was dragging me to the bottom of the ocean and no matter how hard i fought, no matter how much Ive struggled that i could not get to the surface and breathe. Ive always put this family first and i always will. We have such a respected reputation for the people we are that i didn't want to tarnish it in any way. You never knew this but many nights id just cry myself to sleep because i had absolutely no one to talk to and i never felt more alone and lost in my life. Over the years i started distancing myself from you because i thought eventually when i told you this that we would have a falling out. Your so old school that last night when i told you i thought i was going to have to shoot my way out. The horror story's Ive heard of parents not only not accepting their children but also disowning them. Like i told you i was mentally prepared to deal with any negative consequences. As i told you i was ready to tell you that i was not looking for your approval and that i was going to give you an ultimatum instead. Fortunately i didn't have to deliver a speech Ive been rehearsing in my head since i was a kid. Your response was more than i ever thought would happen. I realized how blessed i am to have you as my father.

Now that i have for once told you how i really feel, ill tell you the rest. Ive always known i was different. I could have not asked for a better up bringing and i want you to know that it wasn't anything that you and mom did or didn't do that made me like this. I honestly could have not asked for better parents. Like i told you last night that this is not a choice or a lifestyle. To me its just life. To me me its just as natural as breathing. In all actuality its such a small portion of who i am but at the same time it is a very important portion of who i am. As my brother always tells me "the heart wants what the heart wants." I cant help who i develop feelings for or who i fall for. Now this in no way means I'm going to change. I'm still the dude that you raised. I'm still the same person and man that i was before had this conversation. You will never have to worry about me running around in purple spandex waving a rainbow flag or any of that kind of bull shit. I'm still the conservative man that you raised me to be. Now i know you and mom are more religious than i am since i am not religious at all. However do not worry about me that I'm going to hell or anything like that. But trust me if i do go to hell its not because this, i have whole laundry list of things that would put me there before this hahaha. Last night i mention i was thinking about moving to Virgina, it wasn't because i actually want to move there. The reason i said that was because before i could muster up the courage to tell you about myself i figured if i ran away and put distance between us that we would never have this conversation. The whole point was me still trying to hide and to flat our run from my problems. Also all the bullshit that spews out of my mouth like "you don't know me" or that "we are different people and have nothing in common" yea all that bullshit was just a ploy because i was angry. All of my anger has stemmed from this. you know exactly the person that i am.

You also asked me if i was sure. Yes i am sure! as sure as can be. Like i said i have slept with 20 different women over the years and can honestly say that i flat out just did not care for them at all. I told you the story of how i figured it out. When i was in NYC on my last night there with the guys, we all kind of went are separate ways and disappeared into the city. At this point in my life i needed to know. It was destroying me inside. So i snuck off to a bar and chatted up a nice guy. I explained my situation to him and he said it was very tough for him to figure it out as well. And as gay is this sounds he kissed me. yea you read that right. But that's what gay people do. But anyways when he did my heart sank in my stomach because in an instant and entire lifetime spent of having a back in forth internal battle was settled and when my fist thought was "FUCK!!!! What the fuck do i do now" I hope this isn't all too much for you. I'm really just trying to give you enough information so you know whats going on.

Well now that you know what has finally been eating me up for all these years i really would like to move forward from here. You were my biggest hurdle and I'm glad i could finally tell you. I don't plan on telling anyone else but at least now i have an outlet and someone to talk to. unfortunately for me my personal and professional life are intertwined so i cant tell any of my friends. I do apologize for never being able to give you grandchildren but I'm sure your other 2 boys are more than capable of doing so. ill never be able to give you a daughter in-law but maybe one day i can bring somebody home that you will be just as proud of. I hope all of this isn't to much for you to process, i do however understand that it is new information that you will need time to process which i completely understand. Ill be having dinner at gehrets tonight so i will not be able to talk about this. however i would like to hear your response to this email in a written format. That means email me back.



Sincerely your son

 

Thanks bud. it was a pretty emotional moment when finally he asked me the right question and i was brave (DRUNK) enough to just lay it all out there. we covered alot of information but i sent him the email because i wanted him to be able to take in the information while he was sober. His email response was very supportive just like his response last night.

 

hahaha i like that. now im going to want to hear a juciy awesome story. i better read on saturday morning that " hey cant talk long, hes making me breakfast" lol :lol::roflmao:

 

I really hope it works out for you. Your picking him up at a straight bar right? Isnt he in question?

 

That sounds like a legit reason to think Someone is gay. I'd say ask for his number man. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm excited to see what happens for you.