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Cut to the chase

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by ecd123, Dec 29, 2012.

  1. ecd123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi,
    I just posted a very long version of this and realized how LONG it really was. Pretty much my life story. In order to actually get some responses I decided to post what is currently bothering me now:


    My gf and I have been dating for a few months over 1 year. She came out to her parents when her mom straight-up asked if she was gay, and it went badly. I came out to mine maybe two weeks later because I felt guilty for bringing her around and pretending she was a friend. My gf and I also had a bit of a hurtful argument because I was afraid our relationship was losing the spark, which is does after 1-3 years, and I thought it was supposed to last our lives, so I was confused and wondered if she felt it too which caused her to worry that I wasn't in love and to prove it I called my parents and told them.

    I share pretty much all of my worries with my mother and I wanted to be able to talk to her about my relationship and conflicts that would arise when we would have them. My mother was shocked, confused, upset. She said she needed to call me back and called me back with my dad on the phone. She said that she wasn't sure if I knew what I was doing. She thinks I am a "late bloomer" and that I was just looking for affection from someone and it is very easy to get that from my best friend and that is all that it is. They then questioned about all of the boys I liked growing up and everything else. They asked if this means I am bisexual or what. I didn't know what to say because I didn't bother with labels because I was happy with my gf. I was very quiet on the phone and didn't have much to say for myself. They were repeating themselves by saying that I was just confused but they want me to be happy and that they love me. When we hung up I was in full-fledged panic mode. I couldn't believe I did it. I did it on such a whim I wasn't even prepared for it. I didn't regret it but I wished I would have waited to be more prepared. I couldn't sleep that night and woke up having panic attacks. The next day I called my mom and asked if we could talk about what I said last night. She was angry and said that she didn't want to talk about it ever again and that she wasn't ready to even think about it. She didn't like the idea and thinks I am very confused. She asked if anyone else knew and I said that it was my choice and she got very upset. She told me I was being selfish and acting like a 12 year old and that this wasn't just about me, it was about her and my father as well. I felt so guilty and ashamed and scared. I wanted so badly for them to approve and they didn't. She said she just wanted me to be happy and that she loved me and we ended out conversation. I cried and panicked. I almost broke up with my gf but ran back to her because it didn't feel right. I wanted to live with her for the rest of my life and care for her. I couldn't lose her.

    Ever since then I have never brought it up to my parents. The first time I came home was for Thanksgiving and they treated me like nothing happened. This caused me to panic and question myself a lot. I felt so comfortable being myself with them that I worried that I couldn't possibly be who I was with my gf as well because my parents don't approve of that person. When I went back to school and I saw my gf, I felt sick. I was scared and couldn't sleep. I cried and felt uncomfortable when we kissed. I was afraid that they were right and that I convinced myself that I was a lesbian or bi or whatever I am. I still don't really know how to label myself. I almost ended things with her two more times and changed my mind again. I eventually got an appointment with a counselor and started to unravel parts of my childhood. I have come to notice that I have an emotionally abusive/blackmailing mother who is controlling to a degree. I have always known this but hated to admit it because I felt guilty for thinking such things about my mother. After going to counseling 2 times I started to feel better about myself and my relationship started to feel good again.
    Currently, I am home for winter break and have been away from my gf for about 3 weeks. At first I experienced feelings of separation anxiety. (We sleep in the same bed every night and pretty much live in the same house even though she has her own apartment. I worry that maybe we moved too fast, but it feels right and I don't want to start spacing ourselves because I am afraid it will ruin things between us by going backwards.)
    While I am at my home and she is at hers, I don't sleep well. I feel weird around my parents because I'm paranoid about what they think of me and sometimes they tell me to text her "Hi" for them, and I am not sure what to take that as. Is that them acknowledging that I am in a same-sex relationship or are they just pretending she is still a friend? I don't know what to think. I have been having anxiety for the past week and have been googling my symptoms to find threads where people are feeling the way I am, but I am not sure if what they are going through is the same because there are a lot of factors that are coming into play with me.
    I know I have anxiety. I may have OCD or ROCD. I obsess over thoughts of what could happen or images in my imagination of my gf with her ex boyfriend. Even though they upset me so much I cannot stop it. It causes fights between us.
    I can't tell if my anxiety is because I feel torn between my parents and my gf, or if I have fallen out of love with my gf, or if I'm not actually a lesbian/bi, or if I'm just letting my parents get into my head.
    I'm scared of losing her, but I'm scared of being with her. I worry that I don't love her, but I can't imagine life without her. I wonder if she will break up with me because I am too much to handle, but the thought of her with anybody else makes me feel physically sick. I don't want to get married, but I feel that I have to marry someone someday because it is expected of me. I am worried that my feelings towards marriage means that I don't love her. I'm worried that maybe that is a sign that she isn't the one. But who is then? Because I don't want to end things with her. I'm scared of what my extended family will think if they find out one day. I don't know if I want my grandmother to know, but I will feel guilty for keeping it a secret. I don't know what the next step in our relationship is because there isn't exactly a guideline for us. Straight couples meet, date, couple, graduate, move in, get married, have babies, etc. What do we do? We kind of followed that order a bit but did we move in too early? Will this screw us up or make our relationship expire quicker? I worry a lot and I don't know what the right direction is.

    If anyone has some advice or insight, it would be greatly appreciated. :help:
     
  2. Priiiide

    Full Member

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    Ok, I know this was a few months ago, I randomly came across your post or reply and had a look at all your other posts because your story sounds a lot like mine. I felt like I NEED to reply to this post. It's my duty to share some of my experiences with you because I think we can help each other. I am 21, have been dating a beautiful girl for 2 1/2 years. I live at home with my parents. In December 2012, I came out to them. Yes, I waited that long to tell them. I was afraid, I was studying and didn't want to tell them while I was living at home. During that time, I had a lot of pressure from "friends" to come out and that I didn't value my girlfriend if I didn't tell my parents. My parents reacted badly, still to this day, my mum says that my love is an illusion, I will be happier with a boy, tells me not to mention my girlfriends name and so forth. It's a struggle, I know, but guess what..? It will make us and everyone else here so much more stronger and we will be emotionally deeper.

    Anyways, I love my girlfriend, I think she is the perfect girl for me. I identify as lesbian but I think I am in between bisexual/lesbian. During the time we started dating, I have been questioning everything about myself including my sexuality. Whether or not I am gay or bisexual, whether my attraction for men is real or not. I obsess with thoughts just like you do. Because this is my first long term relationship, I had a lot of doubts, uncertainties and concerns, just like yourself. My girlfriend is more experienced and older, which helps as she has reassured me a lot and has been very supportive. What I have learnt about relationships is they are hard work, to maintain them, you need to work at it, and it requires both people. People fight, people don't understand each other occasionally, sometimes you get irritated by one another, sometimes you don't feel the spark but it happens. It happens to everyone. Especially people like you and me, who like to analyze every thought, move and reaction. I don't think I ever felt those sickening feeling but that is probably because I don't have a strong connection like you do with you parents.

    However, I feel a lot of internalized homophobia and fight that on a regular basis. I do that by blocking negative comments, and surrounding myself with positive people. Recently I have been telling more and more people about my girlfriend and introducing her as my girlfriend and trying to not be ashamed. Most people don't care, I live in Australia, the attitude is USUALLY quite good or neutral. What's it like where you are from?

    It sounds to me like you really love her, I hope you two have worked through it.
    I find the best way to get rid of those intrusive obsessive thoughts and anxiety is to face it or acknowledge it. And then don't think about it, the more you think about it, the more you feed the demons, so to speak..

    When it comes to marriage, stuff it, marriage isn't for everyone sweet. It does not mean she isn't for you, she could be if you think she is. I know plenty of hetero people who don't believe in marriage but have been together for over 5-10 years!

    When it comes to relationship guidelines, do what it is you both as a couple want. Talk to her about the future and it's plans. Whether you want to travel, have kids etc. the world is your oyster, you can do whatever you want. The good thing about being in a relationship with the same sex is you won't have the traditional pressures hetero couples face, instead you can focus on what will make you and your girl happy.*

    It sounds like you love your girlfriend and it's genuine, and from what you have said you are attracted to her sexually. (I think you wrote in another post that you love sex with her)

    Also, in another post, you were asking about sexual attraction. Usually you should ignore porn, porn isn't the best or most reliable indicator. I'm still a bit stuck when it comes to sexual attraction but usually they say it's who you have a spark with or desire to be with, who you see your life with or who you like to be intimate with. I hope that helps a little.

    Also, how does your partner feel about everything? She's supportive yes? How did her parents cope and did she have a hard time dealing? Is she sure of her sexuality or unsure like you?

    I'm going to finish this off with a quote.. (one that I need to keep in mind as well) actually two quotes...

    "Over thinking ruins you, ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry, and just makes everything much worse than it actually is!"

    AND

    "Don't think too much, you'll create a problem that wasn't there in the first place."

    I really hope this helps and that you come back to EC soon and see this, the last time you logged in was late March! Chin up hun! Smile more, worry less! :slight_smile:*(*hug*)