Came out to a friend

Okay, so I'm in the middle of the college application and scholarship process, which requires a ton of essays. One of the more popular topics is "Describe an experience that has had a significant impact on your life." So, when I was trying to come up with ideas for this one, I decided to try writing about when I came out to the only friend I've told so far. Here's the essay I came up with. Sorry if it's kind of long. I actually decided not to use this one for any of my applications - there was a different essay that I wrote that I liked better but I figured I should share this one with you guys.

Coming Out​

The most frightening day of my life was not a day when my life was in jeopardy, nor was I in danger of imminent physical harm. The most horrifying experience I've ever had actually wound up occurring on a long car ride home. One of my good friends, Kate, was driving me back to my house after staying out late at a party. I've always loved the night, and as her car sped along the empty highway I was filled with a sense of peace. Perhaps that was part of the reason why I was willing to reveal a secret that I've kept hidden my entire life.

After talking for a while, Kate brought up the subject of relationships. I'll let you know, neither of us is the most popular kid in school - we're the nerds who love politics and public speaking. For our entire lives, we had both played by the rules, sacrificing partying and a social life for school work.

Anyways, Kate had gotten the impression that I liked a girl that I had met at a summer camp. So she asked me, "So when are you going to ask her out?"

I blushed. These types of conversations were always really awkward for me. Hoping to avoid being probed about my lovelife, I threw back my typical shy reply, "I don't know."

That's when Kate said, "Some people go their whole lives being too afraid to ask people out. I just think I'd always regret it if I didn't date anybody."

I winced, but Kate couldn't see - she was focused on driving. As I'm sure you can guess, there was a very long, awkward pause after that one. During that time that seemed to last forever, I was debating with myself. I played through all of her possible reactions in my head, thought about what she would do if she knew. I wanted to tell her so badly, but I was scared of losing her friendship.

Somehow, I mustered up enough courage to break the ice. "Kate, can I tell you a secret?"

"Yeah, of course," she laughed a little, "I won't tell anyone."

I turned away from her and gazed out the window at the moon. "I...," I actively had to will myself to say it, "I...," I sucked in a deep breath, "I think I might be bisexual."

My heart plummeted and I felt queasy. After all those years of pretending to be straight, finally coming out to someone was incredibly rattling, and not necessarily in a good way, either. I felt ashamed of myself and scared about the future.

Fortunately, though, Kate is an amazing friend. She reacted as though everything was perfectly normal. Without even a hint of shock or anger, she asked, "Do you think you're gay?"

"I...I don't really know...," I stammered. It was true - I've always felt confused about my sexual orientation, and I'm just now beginning to figure things out.

"I don't really know how you know," Kate had told me, "I just always knew I was straight." She paused for a second, "Have you ever dated a guy before?"

"No," I replied, "I'm just kind of scared to date people because I'm still not sure who I'm attracted to."

"I guess the only way to know is to go out and try," she said, "Would your family be okay with it?"

I sighed, "That's what really scared me. I know my dad would be cool with it, and my sister wouldn't care either, but my mom would flip out if she ever found out. Like, she got mad at my sister just for saying 'gay' in public. I'm not ready to deal with all of that yet. That's why I thought I should wait until college, so I can figure stuff out on my own, without worrying about my family finding out."

"That makes sense," Kate said, "but I also know your family loves you. If you decide to tell them, your mom will get over it eventually."

This comment was followed by another lengthy silence. For the duration of the car ride, Kate talked to me about trivial stuff to make me feel less awkward, but I wasn't paying much attention. I was lost in thought.

Kate smiled at me as she parked her car in front of my house, "Have a good weekend. I'll see you Monday."

"Thanks for the ride, Kate." I shut the door and walked inside. My mom was waiting in the living room.

"How was the party?"

"Fine," I replied, walking upstairs to the bathroom. I threw off my clothes and stepped into the shower. Sinking down to the ground, I let the warm water wash over my body.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. All of the feelings and emotions I had bottled up inside myself came bursting out. I felt relieved that I had finally told someone and happy that Kate accepted me. I felt sad that I had wasted so much of my life living a lie. I felt frightened that my family would reject me if they ever found out. But, worst of all, I felt alone. I felt isolated, not from other people, but from myself. After all, I still hadn't come to grips with my sexual orientation. I still had no idea who I was.

That night, I couldn't sleep. As I lay awake in bed, I thought a lot about what Kate had said and everything that had happened. I seriously considered coming out to my family, but the truth is, I've always been the "model child" and dissapointing them about anything, even something like this that they have no right to be angry about is really intimidating for me. As of yet, I still haven't found the strength to tell them.

But, although I lacked the courage to come out to my parents, that night was still an important night for me. As I lay there in bed, I admitted to myself for the first time that I was gay - that it wasn't something I could dispute or deny any longer. As I reflected upon the experiences and feelings I've had throughout the past couple of years, I recognized that there was no ignoring the fact that I just wasn't attracted to girls. I came to realize that while my emotions could never change, the way that I perceived those emotions could.

That's not to say that accepting myself was easy. The many years I had spent in the closet made it really difficult for me to acknowledge my identity. I literally had to go out driving by myself and admit out loud "I'm gay" repeatedly to overcome the facade I had worn for so long. While I still have so much left to do before I can be truly happy, this was a huge accomplishment for me. For the first time in my life, I felt okay with my sexuality. I know things will only get easier from here.

Kate, if you ever read this, I just want to say thanks for all the support you've given me. Finally, I can be proud of who I am. Finally, I've found someone in this world that I can be true to.