Like I posted before, it was my "new year's resolution" to come out to someone close to me. So today, January 1, 2013, seemed like a good day. The thought of telling one or both of my parents had been eating me up all day. It was getting late, 10 PM or so, and I sat on a couch across the room from my mother. My christian, church-attending, loving, understanding mother. My Mom and I have a close relationship, even though she has a busy work schedule. The reason I chose to tell her first is because she is one of the smartest (if not the smartest) women I know. So, let me set this up for you. I am 18 years old, a freshman in college. I am shy, and always have been. I have been attracted to other males since around 6th or 7th grade, and only recently have began to accept it. I've had both female and male friends throughout my elementary and high school years, but I have never dated anyone of either gender. Not even homecoming. I was raised in a Christian household, and was taught that homosexuality is a sin. My parents and siblings attend a Nazarene church, and I attended up until my 18th birthday. So here's (sort of) a paraphrasing how our conversation went. Me: Hey, mom, can I talk to you about something? Mom: Sure. Me: So, you know how I never asked any girls out to homecoming or junior senior banquet, and I sometimes say I don't see myself being married to a woman? Mom: Yeah Me: It's because I'm not attracted to women. I'm attracted to other guys. Mom: You Know that's a difficult lifestyle, and it's not accepted by the majority of people. I think you're too young to be deciding on your sexuality, especially since you've never been on a date. ---At this point, I was pleasantly surprised she wasn't crying or quoting the bible.--- Mom: So, when things like a Victoria's Secret commercial come on the TV, it doesn't excite you at all? Me: No Mom: And You're ONLY attracted to men? Me: Yes. Mom: Have you ever pictured yourself married to a woman or having children? Me: I have never really "pictured" that, but I know It's sort of "expected" of me. Mom: well, I still think you need some time to think about how you feel about sexuality. I'd like you in the next couple of years to try and go on a date with a girl. I'm glad you talked with me about this. I'm still processing what happened between me and my mom tonight. I don't know if she'll go upstairs to tell my dad or not. It really doesn't matter, in fact I'd rather her tell him than me. I decided against telling my 15-year-old sister, because I know when I was that age, that was the last thing I wanted to talk about. I was pleasantly surprised by my mom's understanding, but I was somewhat dissapointed that she thinks I'm too young to decide about my orientation. It's been 6 years or more that I have been attraced to men. I'm considered an adult now. What do you think?
Well, denial is a powerful thing. Which is not to say that your mom is in denial, but she's probably struggling to process something that she likely never considered but that is definitely a game-changer in your life. Just to put it out there, while the conversation seems to have generally gone well, I highly doubt that "giving women a shot" will change anything. If *you* wanted to date a woman to see how it went, that would be one thing - but if it's your mom who wants you to, then it won't change a thing. I always wonder why hetero people never need to try a gay date, "just to be sure"... Also, keep in mind that the initial coming out is not the entirety of a person's reaction to you. It's just the beginning of a conversation - your mom has lots of room to grow and accept you more in the future. For now, you got through a major hurdle, without some of the bad things you were expecting. Congrats.
Thanks. You've got a good point. I've never seen a hetero person try a gay date, and I have never felt the need to try a date with a girl. I'm not sure if she will ever fully accept it, being a christian and all.
Congrats, I can only hope my parents will be as accepting (I somehow doubt it....). I'm just starting this process myself, so we'll see where it goes.
My mom was the person who I least expected to accept it, which is part of why I chose to tell her first. What happened with me is that the urge to tell someone eventually became so much that I just had to. It felt good to tell her.
You did great man! And honestly, I'd say your Mom's reaction was great, too. Given her religious affiliation, in particular. She affirmed you, she thanked you for trusting her. You've had a long time to think this through. Your Mom, well, she probably was pretty well blind sided -- so let her process this through. I'm guessing she shared this with your Dad, too -- do you think so? If so, before you go back to college, maybe best to talk with your Dad. You can always start... "I talked to Mom, and I love you and want to talk to you to..." Don't make too much of your Mom wanting you to date a girl -- she's had that expectation for a long time, its not going to change that quickly. My advice -- be sure and thank her for being open to you and tell her you love her and her love means the world to you. And pat yourself on the back -- big step, and you did it!
hey, I am Baptist, but I have attended Nazarene churches, they are pretty good too. I get where your mom would have a great deal of concern, but she has shown she LOVES you in her concern, and that your well being and future happiness is far more great to her than just words somebody told her about gays. My mom I am also just discussing this stuff with. She has taken it better than expected. I did not have to explain what transgender means, she knew the word, which was a huge relief and happy surprise. Mom can't seem to say Kat, and I warned her if she don't I will make her say David! She tells me that honestly after decades of saying Kathy it is just very hard to remmy to say anything different. I think honestly it will be hard for your mom to see you as gay, as she has never pictured you as gay in her mind, she assumed stuff. My mom assumed I will either never marry as she did not or I will bring home a Deaf husband who is mute and can't communicate with her. This is HER image of my future, it does not mean I must satisfy her mirage. Neither do you. I don't have to ever date a man, you don't ever have to date a woman. However, if either of us wish to, and we tell the other person we are not used to that gender, then that is fine too. Mom don't get it that me being male, when she assumes I will marry a man, that would mean a gay marriage! I think they just need more info and a lot of time.
Wow, Nice! That was not an easy thing to do, congratulations, and honestly, it sounded like it went great.
I think your moms reaction was pretty good. The fact that she was willing to,listen and be understanding without crying or throwing bible verses at you says a lot. Congrats
There are also different degrees and kinds of acceptance. Not everybody who fully accepts their gay child is waving flags in a pride parade (which is great to do, I'm just using an example). Just try to keep your mind open about what to expect from your mom. There may be rough spots, but she might also surprise you.
Hey Congrats. This sounds like a pretty good starting point. I started with my mom a couple years ago to a similar reaction and lately she's been super supportive bringing up gay rights issues and even occasionally mentioning cute guys. Props to your mom for being rational despite some wishful thinking about you not really knowing. Your out status says mom and dad. You have an update about how it went with your dad?
She sounded like she didn't really understand the fact sexuality isn't a choice. You should clarify to her that its definitely who you are so she has a chance of understanding that. But she is being at least understanding enough to give you that option (as much as it isn't at option to be straight!), so lucky for you in that sense.
I guess when comes down to it most parents only want their children to live a happy "normal" life and it sounds like she wants that for you but it might take her time accept facts and that instead of a girl in your life it's going to be a guy or you know what ever you want (referring that some people would rather be single). I hope she comes into terms soon and congrats on coming out to her.
Maybe point out to her that if you were straight, she wouldn't tell you to try dating a guy because you're "too young" to know for sure if you're straight. So it doesn't make any sense to try dating a girl if you're gay, unless you think there's a chance you might still be straight or even bi.
