I HATE the way I came out

I really, really hate the way I came out, and now I've been hating myself lately because of it. I wish I could redo it :/ I came out last year when I was a freshman, and I was at the height of getting friends, and I really didn't have any close ones. I told people - a lot of them - for attention, I had no drive to come out then except it would give me attention, and I'm pretty sure I was in a hypomania too at the time and I was being very impulsive, and I actually only truelly accepted myself as gay this year, well last year, but in the fall. I really wish I could somehow redo it :/ though most people really don't care, except a few who attacked me last year... And I Lost a lot of would-be friends and I'm already lonely as can be, and there's no gay guys at my school, but there is this one bi guy, who came out to me, but he is so weird, unattractive, and he asked me how to masturbate once... it was really odd + he told me once that "You know u don't have to date someone to have sex with them! That's called having a fuck buddy!" and he constantly asks me to have sex with him, which will never happen - and I want my first time to special and with someone who matters to me. so I'm alone In the aspect, though I've dated a guy who went to the public school where I live, but that lasts two and half weeks, and we didn't even kiss, sigh.

I still haven't told my family, and I won't for a very long time more likely, due to a abusive relationship with my parents. And my father says homosexuality is a birth defect, and my mom probably knows I think, because if I do anything that she calls feminine she will scream at me - and one time this summer I was "talking" to this guy which now I regret because he's the kind of person I hate. She read the texts between us - then his facebook posts, which were about me, and then once he went to my house to give me a note (?) but I was not at home at the time, but my mom was and apparently she had a verbal fight with him. I really regret talking to him, because he's weird, not my type, overly feminine (he is like Adam Lambert, but worse), and he fucked up my life! So she's pretty much scared I'm gay, I guess, and I don't want to disappoint her anymore than I do, since she acts like I'm some kind of an embaressment

 

Coming Out: A Game Changer! - YouTube Like I feel nothing like these people do in this video, and I just hate it how again fucked up in life because I did something that was suppose to be special for attention