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Talking to parents this weekend, please help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Rachael222, Jan 16, 2013.

  1. Rachael222

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    Hi.

    I'm going home this weekend, mainly to talk to my parents. I told them a year or so ago that I was bisexual, which may or may not be true, I'm certainly not straight though. Anyway, it came up again in conversation when discussing with my parents whether I should consider moving into a house with some people who are unaware about this aspect of my personality, as I said it would make me uncomfortable living with people who didn't know because I find pretending to be straight very draining, certainly in my own home.

    So, the first time round I told them, they were pretty good about it, but we didn't really mention it again. This time round, again they're being pretty good about it, but I get the impression that I've 'weirded them out' a bit. My mother says it's because it's all new to her, which is obviously understandable.

    When she asked me if I was gay, I said I didn't know, but that I was definitely not straight. She said it was probably just a phase, even though I told her it'd been this way for 5 years(ish) and baring in mind I first mentioned this a year ago. I told her that I could see myself being with a woman, but I didn't know if I could see myself with a man, which is true.

    I know my parents have had all in all a pretty good reaction and I'm v grateful for that, but I just feel so, so sad now. I don't know why. Even though my parents said they still love me etc. which is of course a godsend in itself, I feel ten times worse off for having the conversation. I guess it had to be done though, right?

    I know I need to deal with this issue as I suspect it's been the root of the anxiety and depression I've dealt with in the past few years. I've been putting off doing it as I knew it would make me feel the way I do now. My course at university is very demanding and I just don't know if I'm going to be able to deal with this whilst maintaining a good standard of work. Part of me wants to defer for the rest of the year and begin the year again next year. I'm not a new student, so it's not a case of homesickness. Am I being too drastic?

    So basically:
    1) Any suggestions as to what to tell my parents when I myself am not even sure whether I'm gay or bisexual?
    2) How can I deal with this while studying a very intense course? Should I defer/see a therapist? I can barely sleep and am constantly anxious as a result of how I feel and it's
    impacting negatively on my degree.
    3) If I stay, should I tell my potential future flatmates? I think that could send my anxiety out of control if I do, but on the other hand I guess it would be better now than when I'm already living with them in case they were weird about it or whatever. Hmm.


    Thanks for any thoughts x
     
  2. Naomilly92

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    My advice would be to tell them, I think they'll be really understanding. Do they know what you're going to talk to them about something when you go over? If not I'd start there, maybe if you speak to them on the phone, drop it in at the end that you need to speak to them about something. Maybe they'll already know what it's about, and it kind of forces you to tell them, because that way they'll be expecting a serious conversation.

    I would definitely recommend getting a therapist, when you don't have someone you can confide in about deep things, it can be hard, because you're keeping everything in and to yourself. Even though I'm at Uni, I've always been open about my sexuality, however, at work, it's the complete opposite, so I know exactly how you feel, i.e. guilty when an opportunity to come out presents itself, but the fact is, you should only come out when you're ready, and there's no time limit/expectation of when you're meant to come out, just do it when you want :slight_smile:

    If you're anxiety is that aggressive, you should see a doctor, maybe they'll be able to recommend something for you. It is recommended that if you're gonna move in with these people, you be open with them, but that decision's up to you entirely, it's no-one else's business. If you need someone to speak to, I'm here, I'm half out and half in, so I know what you're going through, things will definitely get better
     
  3. Rachael222

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    So I'm back home now. Kind of had the chat earlier, they knew it was coming and they knew why I was coming home (i.e. to talk about this).

    Sooooo long story short it actually went very well. My Mum told me they're fine with whatever I am, told me I needed to try and accept myself and advised me to go join and LGBT group so I wouldn't feel so isolated. I mean, I can hardly believe it. I just feel so, so lucky that my parents are being so good about this. Phew. I thought they'd be really upset, in fact, I kind of find it weird how okay they seem about it, lol. I really have absolutely no right to complain anymore.

    Thanks a lot for your help, your reply was really helpful. I'm considering seeing a doctor still, although I half imagine that in a day or two I'll be feeling a lot better now that I've got this off my chest. I'm still anxious about whatever comes next, but one step at a time, eh?

    xxx
     
  4. Naomilly92

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    Aww, I'm so happy for you that everything worked out. Because they already knew you were bisexual you coming out as lesbian didnt phase them at all by the sounds of it :slight_smile:. Yeah, just take everything one step at a time, there's no rush, best of luck. If you need to speak you know where I am :slight_smile:
     
  5. shovelman

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    Great, congrats! I know the feeling of having this of your shoulders and everything just feels so much better knowing that you don't have to hide from your parents any longer. Congrats again and I hope everything turns out for the best for you :slight_smile: and remember if you ever need support were all here for you at EC.
     
  6. cloudwatcher

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    Wow great story, and I'm very glad that it worked out for you. I'm kinda in the same boat...I haven't talked to my parents, but I know they are wondering why I've never brought home a girlfriend or really even mentioned one. I know they would be supportive and they just want to know whats going on, but I dont want them to feel differently about me, especially if I end up in a hetero relationship anyways.

    Anyways, I just wanted to say congrats, and you inspire me, darlin' :slight_smile:
     
  7. Rachael222

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    Aww thanks y'aaaaall :slight_smile::slight_smile:. Hope everything works out well for you too! I guess I can personally say that it's easy to work things up in your head and awfulise about every possible outcome, but in the end it's probably only going to make you very stressed in the long term. Obviously I was extremely fortunate and so that's pretty easy for me to say but I'm definitely glad to have taken the plunge now rather than later. Ha, to be fair, I did plan to do this like 2 years ago, so I guess everyone takes a different amount of time to build up the courage.

    I didn't really come out as lesbian as such, I pretty much just said I was 'not straight'. I just feel like none of the standard labels really suit, as it's not really that black and white.

    I'm half considering powering on and telling some more people. The main reason I've been putting it off is because I'm not really sure how to phrase it. From past experience I can say that I can be attracted to women from the outset i.e. either on a purely physical or on a both emotional and physical basis. So therefore, I fancy way more women than men. However, every so often, I do find a guy attractive if I know him well and sort of 'fall for his personality'. In these few cases I can then find the guy attractive and the thought of kissing him etc is appealing, although not as much as with girls.

    Any ideas as to what is the best way to coherently describe this?