So, I had therapy tonight. We were talking about a past relationship, and there was a lull in the conversation. He looked at me and said "Do you find men 'hot?' As in, if I were to ask you, could you name a guy you find hot?" I said no...that I never fully understood what that actually meant. That I can appreciate if a guy is good looking, but as far as thinking that he's "hot"...no, that I don't get. I don't think of men in those terms. Then he asked me "can you name a woman who you think is "hot?" Yup. That I can do. I then told him about thinking that having a boyfriend is weird...but having a girlfriend is something that I want and that seems normal. That was the first time I ever said I actually wanted to date. Usually when he asks me I say that I don't want to- ever. But, tonight it was different. It seemed so easy and natural to talk about being with a girl. I actually really, really liked it...and he was so wonderful to talk to. He just sort of listened a lot, smiled a lot, and just kept saying "you seem happy." I was. And I feel like I"m getting to a place where I might actually be okay with this. I'm definitely not there yet...but I can finally imagine a time where I might be...and might at some point be able to tell my family. I'm just floored by how difficult this process is...
I'm glad that this is working for you. Sometimes everything makes so much more sense and is a lot easier to deal with when talking about it with another person. They can see it from another perspective. I never went to therapy but I remember having a lot of those ah ha moments when I told one of my LGBT friends I was gay. She helped me with a lot of things. We spent all that time internalizing everything it's so much easier once we can talk about these things! Congrats on your success so far
Those "aha" moments are what make therapy worthwhile. Both for client and therapist. Glad you had that experience today. It can be a monumental shift when you experience that sort of understanding.
Slowly but surely. I used to shut down on him when we talked about dating and being gay...now I can tolerate it and talk in short bits. We're getting there. Thanks. It definitely helps to have someone else to talk to...because for a long time it was nothing more than a thought in my head that I pushed way into the back. It was the first time I ever felt fully comfortable talking about liking girls. I don't know what changed, but he asked the question, and the flood gates opened. I just started rambling. Even though I came out to him months ago, I feel like this time it was for real...if that makes sense.
Isn't amazing how little steps like these can make such a big difference? When you do feel comfortable about talking about your sexuality - you feel at one with yourself, and you're grateful that you can do it to someone who will not judge you.
It sounds like you're making a lot of progress with your therapist, which is very good, it's also very good that you've realised you're only interested in women
Absolutely. This is the first time I've said it out loud without completely melting down afterwards...so that definitely IS progress. And, I was actually kind of proud of myself. Now...whether I can face him next week or not is a totally different story. lol. But, for now, I'm happy and relatively content. He's really the only person I've ever talked about this with in any sort of meaningful way, so every time we talk it's a new level of information and a new level of comfort reached. This was a big one.
