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Why such a struggle in coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Kay, Jan 26, 2013.

  1. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    I have wondered about this a long time. Why do we struggle to be real and ourselves? I see the many layers of coming out as very complicated. First we need to find ourselves in a straight world. Isn't this a bitch? The expectations set upon us from and early age. As soon as we are in puberty we are asked about a partner of the opposite sex. No one says have you found a special person. Do they? Nope. My parents and brother never asked once if I found the girl of my dreams. They asked if I had a boyfriend. Uh no. Have you ever seen me with a boy for more than a couple of hours on a date. Why are you asking, get a clue. Easy to say. The parents both usually straight have zero understanding and can't relate to a child possibly being LGBTQ.Wow. No wonder we get confused.
    Second we hear this is a phase. :eusa_doh: Uh no it's not. Is your heterosexuality a phase mom? Is your heterosexuality a phase dad? Did either of you have to make a choice to be straight? Gosh mom, dad I am LGBTQ. This is not a phase. But we are asked and demeaned in the process. because we again are expected to be straight like the majority of the world.
    Third: Almost all of the images we are exposed to as we live are straight. We see the couple looking for a car in a TV ad and they are a woman and a man. We see the man and the woman buying insurance and everything else. LOL So we start out confused and it gets worse and we are told this is a phase and we hope it passes and it does not.
    There are so many layer that confuse us and send us to the edge of frustration and some (too many) fall over the edge and well you know :tears:
    The struggle is against the world and an entire world view and a religious view. What chance do we have to come out without scars?
    I have started please tell why you struggle with self or with parents or with friends what are the layers you see and fight with? Hugs all of you
     
  2. PeteNJ

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    I think you're spot on. We live in a super hetero normative world... families, schools, church, jobs -- all built on the premise of man+woman=babies, happiness, all is well.

    I did my damnedest to live up to that all my life. It all looked "perfect" while I was f*cked up and a mess in my head and soul. No one should live like that. But I did, because its what was expected of me.

    There is a theory in sociology that straight society absolutely needs queer people. We bring to the world so much healing, empathy, openness, sensitivity, etc. I don't know that if I hadn't struggled so much that I'd be able to see what I see and feel in others. IDK -- I can't live life thinking it was all a curse, I am thankful to be where I'm at and look forward to tomorrow.

    Great post, thanks.
     
  3. Incognito10

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    In terms of living in a heteronormative world, I try to remember one small quote by Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

    Fortunately, I live in a pretty gay-friendly area where I see gay couples out in public and with their children. I also see it a lot on facebook. If all gay people were to stay hidden, there would never be any change or acceptance.

    I am not perfect. I am really a quite reserved person; however, I've been making it a point to not hide so much who I am, like when I am out in public with my partner. Again, you won't find me shouting it from the roof tops, but at the same time, I am not going to be as hidden as I have been in the past--it was destroying my mental and emotional health.

    I actually had this very discussion with my therapist, who happens to be a lesbian. Once at a work related convention, I met this guy and we were just chatting and I saw him look at the ring on my finger and then he started to ask about my "wife." I had no idea how to handle the situation. My therapist said try saying, "well, in my case, it's husband" (gay marriage is legal in my district.
     
    #3 Incognito10, Jan 26, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2013
  4. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    I bolded a line in your marvelous post. It is so meaningful. Within the LGBTQ community there is boundless acceptance of all people. It shows itself in love and passion. When I attend Pride events of any sort there is so much verve and pure energy it fills the air.
    I am glad you are in a good place. Living the straight life had to be so much a struggle. My heart goes out to you dear. :tears: I used to wear a wedding ring and tell everyone my husband was killed in Vietnam to have an excuse for why I was single. That was demeaning to have to create that lie. (*hug*):kiss:


    ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 09:51 AM ----------

    Gandhi is perhaps the person I see as the greatest example of life. The Quote I bolded is so true we are the change and if we hide what can we touch or alter. Like everyone her I hide I don't think I was ever in the closet. Even in my day and age I was on the fringe of hetero society. I was single of course as I stated living a lie. I lived with my life partner who everyone thought was my cousin.
    You were asked the question about your wife. How does one respond to simple ignorance that some people are different. The man seemingly meant no harm he just takes hetero for granted and it is disturbing. You therapist is correct. You have a husband. This is a good thing and beautiful to reflect how wonderful and open love can be, Thank you. Hugs and love
     
  5. Jordz

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    The hardest part I think is coming out to the family, you don't want to hurt them, you don't want to lie to them, you want to be able to be yourself and open and honest.
    I'm out to my mum which she is fine with, she has some gay mates so is fine with it but she was surprised. The hardest one to tell would be my dad as i'm just not sure what his view is really.
     
  6. RainbowMan

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    The family is the 9000 pound gorilla in the room for me as well. I'm out to all of two people (my therapist and a friend who's gay) and I think the family is going to be the hardest. It's what my therapist and I have been working on, and I still don't know if I can conquer those fears. I've come close on occasion, but always seem to retreat back to the side of safety.

    Not that coming out to my parents would be unsafe, per se. Just that my relationship with them would change, whether that change is for the better or worse I can't possibly know. I'm used to in my work (technology) dealing with risks that I can quantify and mitigate. I can do neither of those things with this risk, which is completely terrifying.

    Oh well, this too shall pass.
     
  7. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    Has your dad expressed any opinion on gays? It might help give you a gauge on how he will react. I hope he accepts you like your mom does. Hugs honey.
    Thanks for sharing.


    ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2013 at 01:34 PM ----------

    I can understand you don't want to lose the relationship you have. It does change a great deal in some cases. You need to weigh the positive and the negative. If you think the downside will be the result you keep it in until you feel right. Don't come out before you can handle the reactions. Hugs dear and thanks for sharing.
     
  8. Jordz

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    I'm not really sure, I mean I think he might have said a comment here and there but I'm not sure if I imagined it or something (that probally makes no sense :lol:slight_smile: I know for sure he hasn't said anything recently though, so i'm just not sure. I'm just not sure.
     
  9. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    Maybe you could start by making some comment on same sex marriage or other gay rights and see what he says. That would be innocent enough. It may even lead into him asking you if you are gay. Hugs
     
  10. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    It's a struggle mostly because of what a "difference" being gay is. Not good or bad inherently, but just different. Even people who are 100% supportive treat you differently without even meaning to. It's just like when you find out someone has something like cancer. Even when it's not life threatening, you just treat that person differently without even intending to. (Note: I am NOT comparing being gay to something potentially dangerous and life threatening like cancer). Like my mom for instance. She's super cool about gays. But I'm just treated differently. Not better or worse, just different.

    So I think that's why we struggle. Because even when we know the person will be amazingly supportive we worry that we'll be subconsciously viewed as being different from before. And a lot of the time we are viewed that way.
     
  11. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    I think you hit a nail on the head sweetheart. We are treated differently because heterosexuals do not understand us. They have no idea what it is like to be gay. Just as we do not know what it is like to be straight. We don't treat them differently because it is how we grew up. We were trained in a straight world so we have adjusted to accept that they are different than we are.
    Straight have not adjusted and it will take generations to understand us. Hugs a beautiful post.
     
  12. LailaForbidden

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    Unfortunately, i have to disagree with you here. While the LGBTQ community can be incredibly accepting and supportive, there are those who exclude and discriminate against trans* folk and bisexuals, as well as other non-conforming people. Some people don't have a haven, sadly.
    Regardless, i think you post is very insightful and true!
     
  13. StridinDirty

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    We see that because being straight is the 'normal' thing :/ Being anything other than straight is somehow wrong and looked down upon? That's why I'm having such trouble telling my parents I'm bi.

    Although, once my mom came up to me and jokingly asked if I was sexually confused. No mom, I'm definitely not. It seemed like she was seriously looking for an answer though. But then again there was another time when she asked why I was always so serious with the topic of sexuality. So then we started talking a little, with her saying things like "Do you like boys?" With me answering yes as soon as she finished talking. And when she said "Do you like girls?" I was hesitant before nodding a little. She said, "Oh, so then maybe you're bi." and she seemed kinda neutral about that, but my mom has really bad memory. If that were to happen again she would probably be shocked...
     
  14. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    Took the words from my mouth. Great post.

    I've noticed that after I came out to my mum, she treats me with a certain entitlement that I'm not really comfortable with.. she's extremely supportive of me, but at the same time, it's almost like social conditioning, because she knows that I'm going to be hurt one way or another, and being gay will always make a target. Basically, ever since I came out to her, I'm the kid who went from getting one cookie to two, if you get what I'm saying. She's treating me with more respect, and I do love her, but at the same time it's fairly annoying.

    This was another reason why I was hesitant on coming out to her for a few months. I knew that she would be supportive, but she has a very motherly-instinct to coddle her children. I knew telling her that I'm gay, would enforce it even more. I told her the other night and laughed about it, "Mum, I know I'm going to get hurt. But I'm fine with being gay, really. I'll be okay." She still worries about me.


    But, yeah. Anyway, we do live in a very heteronormative world. The "default" sexuality in our society is straight. Any different than that, and you are different, regardless. I can't wait until the day that we don't even have to come out of the closet. Just to be as free with our sexuality (or asexuality, or gender) as any other cis, heterosexual person. "Yeah, I'm gay!"

    I'd add more, but Phoenix summed it up. There's always an aura around everyone you know after you've come out. Like, a weird feeling that even if you're accepted, you know you're different and others will view you as different, even if they unintentionally do so. That's been my experience, anyway.
     
  15. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    I know what you are saying with regard to Trans an Bi's and some others. It is a small shallow minority within the larger whole that fits what you say. It is a shame that there is any bigotry amongst us. We have lived with it all our lives from others we need to be united and true to each other. i do agree with you on that point. Hugs sweetie.

    ---------- Post added 27th Jan 2013 at 12:32 AM ----------

    The straight world is definitely the standard we we are the off brand. LOL I think we are pretty special and not an off brand at all. hehehe (!) It sounds like your mom would accept you with no problem but than again if she has memory difficulty it could e sometimes she accepts and other times she does not. It would be confusing to say the least.
     
  16. StridinDirty

    StridinDirty Guest

    Yeah, we are pretty special ^^ Definitely, that's happened with other things, so I'm afraid it would probably happen with this too :/
     
  17. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    If we don't see ourselves as special no one else is likely to. We would just be totally shunned by the world. Special helps us break through the walls and continue our struggle for equality.
     
  18. StridinDirty

    StridinDirty Guest

    Yes, totally agreed. If only some people were a bit more open-minded. We're people too!
     
  19. Kay

    Kay Guest

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    Ignorance does not have an open mind. It is lucky to understand itself. It is ignorance of the majority which holds us down and fights against us.
     
  20. chiboi15

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    For me it's definitely been a process and a marathon. And part of it is learning about yourself. I can definitely remember at one point this light bulb going off which basically was like, "if you love gay porn as much as you do, and can't stop checking out guys, maybe that means you're gay." Which was something I had never really considered since I do have a touch of straight in me. Growing up in the prototypical homophobic religious conservative environment that I did, sexuality was a topic that was not even mentioned at all growing up.

    When I went to college, I spent most of my college brainpower and energy navigating the religious side of the equation, seeking answers to not only whether God exists/etc, but why do so many religious institutions focus on dictating personal morality and trying to drive for converts as opposed to being the genuinely open, compassionate, serving, giving, and loving people they allegedly aspired to. I was the kid in the church trying to bring the black church and the white church together; I was the only white guy in the gospel choir. I was the one organizing volunteer trips over spring break to do volunteer work in inner cities (Chicago specifically).

    I figured I would figure out the right person/relationship for me later on in life, as at that point I was not ready. After I had my falling out with the church I went through years of I'm going to enjoy myself and have fun and enjoy life. I branched out musically, and finally started partying, drinking, and occasionally smoking (weed--I will not touch cigarettes).

    A large part of my decision to move to Chicago was that I knew I needed a safe gay friendly place to fully explore my sexuality, even if it meant I turned out to be actually straight. And let me tell you (as many of us here know) the first time I made out with a guy was just GLORIOUS!!!! OMG he was so FINE and we had great chemistry.

    The other thing I've had to learn is that there are MANY gay people and just as importantly gay friendly people. I have made a point to be out to ALL of my Chicago friends (even though they're mostly straight they are so open minded and one of my football/basketball friends even tried to set me up with a guy); and I'm even out at work!

    I haven't made the decision yet to out myself to my family; but I feel it's going to be more like a when/how and not an if. They're all hundreds of miles away so there's that dynamic. And I'm still trying to figure out the balance of trying to be compassionate to the surprise that they may experience versus the fact that ultimately it's not my responsibility to make them accepting of LGBT people.

    Everybody has their own coming out experiences and challenges. But one thing that's helped me is that as I learn more about my sexuality, I realize how thankful and privileged I feel to be gay. I absolutely love that I'm privileged enough to be born this way!

    One may understandably ask why I feel so thankful and blessed to be gay when we live in a heteronormistic society which sends so much hatred and discrimination to us. To me the answer is that as a gay (homoflexible) man, I am gifted with such a keen level of insight, awareness, and understanding that most straight people simply just cannot see. I also know that as I can address my sexuality completely, openly, and honestly I know that eventually when I find the right person for me our relationship will be all the much stronger for it.