It has been almost 24 hours since I came out to my mom. It happened earlier than expected. On our drive home, I told her on the driveway, and no doubt cause her a lot of pain. Some background: Me and my mom are really close. She loves me incredibly much and I am an only child. However, she is from a different generation and culture where homosexuality wasn't open. I assume mom would be the one that would take the news better than my dad, who I still have to tell. I think they always suspected something. I never really was a happy kid, especially now. Also, I did not have a girlfriend in my teens, besides two short 1 week relationships that I called off. So I told her and her first reaction was "No way." She was clearly going through denial. She made me feel filth and asked me about each sexual preference. If I am sure. That I can't be. She was going through denial- BIG TIME. Every time I pointed out that I did something gay, she would just refuse it and point out my puppy love with girls. For example, I said that I never had a girlfriend, and she quickly pointed out that "how do I know that I am gay if I was never in a relationship with a woman ?" Worst flawed logic ever. She also said that I made a mistake telling my friends since I'm not sure. However, she told me she loved me. That I am her child no matter what. I also told her that I considered suicide and that broke her heart. She said I should have told her years ago to spare myself the pain (but I suspect that also she thought she would have had a chance to change me). She pointed everything risky for being gay. Although I admit there is some truth to it, she imagines a dark risky lifestyle. She is scared that I would get disease. That people will prejudice against me (despite telling her that ALL my friends that I told were ok with it). That I wouldn't find a faithful partner, etc. These conversations carried like a loop. Over and over again until midnight. You can only explain to one person that being gay is not a choice so many times. I also told her in the near future nothing would change, and if she would want me to be celibate - that I would. We went to sleep, but neither of us could. Her second last words were" promise me you won't jump into something head first". Her last words were "Promise me you won't hurt yourself". I spent several hours listening to music. She said she was awake for several hours. Morning came. Her voice is very soft, and my dad can see she is sick. I talked with my mom for a little. Mostly about the same things. She now believes that I am gay, and apologized to me (whoa...)for having me go thorugh so much hardship. Unfortunately, she still hopes for a miracle that I will change. I also managed to explain that this is a preference, like your favorite color, rather than an obsession. She said that now she gets it. She also said that she is very scared for my future, despite me telling her that I would not do this if I wouldn't have a future that I enjoy. She hugged me so many times during this difficult period. I regret coming out not because of the outcome - but because I caused her so much pain. She said that she needs time to digest this information, but also hopes that I would change. She brought almost every argument in the book with the exception of religious ones. A moment ago, I saw the five stages of acceptance. This is where my mom falls on them. 1. Denial: She stopped denying that I am gay, but also hopes for change. 2. Anger: She is angry -- why me. There is only about a 3% chance anyway. She is also scared of the risks. She also blames herself for not being a better mother. 3. Bargaining:She says that if I would meet the perfect woman that I might change. 4.Depression: She is sad. Sad and scared. Currently she is just entering stage 4. Sad and scared. She said she needs time, which I agree with completely. I just want her to get back to her normal. This process could have been worse, but I hurt her. I love her dearly. And so does she. How long do you suppose this will take ? A week. A month ? Year ?
There's really no telling how long it will take her, but she's gotten over the scariest part of it, which is telling you that she loves you. She didn't tell you not to call, or cut you off from her, so considering the darker alternatives, it could have gone much worse. It seems like you have a close relationship with your family, and I would be willing to bet that your dad is going to come into the picture sooner or later. Seems like your mom wouldn't want to keep secrets from him, but maybe she will want to come to terms with it before the two of you talk to him about it? I would give her some time, and not talk about it again until she brings it up. Be patient with her, as this is very new to her, and adults rarely accept change easily. I understand why a lot of parents have a hard time accepting that their child has a different sexual preference than the norm. It's a difficult life and parents worry for their children. Your mom probably sees how gays are treated in the media and is afraid for you. So, be patient with her, but hold your ground. 24 hours is a short time to process a change in her perception like that.
24 hours? Sweetie...if she's already in stage 4 then I wouldn't really worry! I think that she will be fine with it. There's way worse experiences. My mom knows (from when I was harassed about 4 years ago...) and I'm still not wanting to talk about it. She is now at the point where she wants me to. I just...can't. So yeah, you'll be ok!
It seems like a better situation than many…it sounds like it should be OK. Just don't worry, be happy.
GabrielTai - I just want to make something clear. I strenuously object to your using the term "sexual preference" in your post. I prefer to drink a mocha, I prefer to eat sweet things. But I could choose to have a latte instead, or not eat sweet things - I cannot choose to be straight. You probably weren't thinking of it, and I'm not the type of person to easily become offended - just wanted to point it out.
Sorry about that. I didn't mean anything by it. I speak and write without thinking about each word so at times I might say things that come across as insensitive without meaning to. It was just the word that came to mind, so I used it. My apologies if I offended anyone.
I didn't refer to it as a preference. More like why do some people like dogs and not cats. It is internal. She called me, because she is genuinely scared that I'd do something bad (which I wont) and said theres this girl there that also goes to my university. I don't know what to think. Did she just say that because dad was there ? Also, as I write this, my province might have the first female LGBT premier (like governor) elected. That would be a huge plus to SHOW her that it is possible to become someone important if you are lgbt.
Hey, hang in there... I'm sure things will get much better a lot sooner than you think for both you and your mom. Wish I had the guts o tell mine, but the part that freaks me out too is knowing that its going to hurt both my parents. Yes, they will accept it, but its the hurt phase which I wish I old skip. Kudos to you!
That's completely awesome! You could also mention people like Elton John and other famous entertainers.
While I agree that orientation is more correct than preference, you're gonna be habitually offended and exhausted if this bothers you so much that you have to call people out. The term sexual preference is probably used 20 times a day here on EC...and god knows how much more in the real world. And to the OP, yeah I know it's tough sometimes to talk about being gay and phrase it the right way so people understand. Unchangeable, born this way, orientation, preference, choice, so many terms. I do fear that equating your sexuality to how you have a favorite color maybe trivializes things a bit. I think we can all live perfectly carefree lives even if we have to keep quiet that our favorite color is green or whatever, and possibly even change that - (is favorite color nature or nurture?). But who we are attracted to is a much bigger part of our being. Anyway, just remain confident that you know who you are. Your mother obviously loves and cares for you and it really is just something she needs to get used to and probably learn about from you.
Well, things have gotten better. She is back to normal and that is more than I can ever ask for. She still believes that something wen't wrong and tries to figure it out when, but can imagine me in the future being with a guy. She is still scared, but not as much. Last night she asked me to consider being bisexual and talked about finding a soul mate. In an ideal world I wouldn't have to explain, justify or be labeled no matter who I am dating, but I am pretty sure that by now I know my orientation. I just wish that now we won't go back to never talking about it. PS: My province got the first lesbian premier. I will refer to her to tell my mom that LGBT people can get far in life, in business and politics and not only entertainment.
Yeah dude it is gonna take her some time. I mean she will get the hang of it and Im sure when you find a guy she will be very happy that you are happy. Also, I mean she probably wanted grandchildren that is probably what got her the most, but I mean just adopt one and make her happy I guess
Update: Yesterday was quite bad, and I would rather not talk about it. However,today, things were almost back to normal. She even asked me if I find x person attractive - but then criticizes me if they really aren't. She is still upset that she probably won't have grandchildren, and she is obsessed with the biological part. She doesn't doubt that I'm gay, but she hopes that I will change. Unfortunately she doesn't get that it isn't that easy. I'm just happy today things were fairly ok. It is true. Time heals all. ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2013 at 08:26 PM ---------- Yeah, they just got today. We talked about other things rather than my sexuality. I'm also happy she is physically better. I'm just so glad that I have her as my mom.
I regret coming out so much. I only came out to my dad as bisexual. I consider myself pan, but I didn't want to confuse him with all of this queer stuff right away. He seemed accepting, but he is clearly in denial. He is trying to believe that it's just a phase. I thought it would get better after this, but all I can think is that it's always on his mind, he regrets not signing me up for sports or manly activities. I have yet to tell my mom. What do I do?
