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Regretful Coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by DeanIsHome, Jan 30, 2013.

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  1. DeanIsHome

    DeanIsHome
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    I really don't know how to explain this very well but here it goes. Last summer, back when i was 13 in the beginning of 8th grade i left for my usual walk to school right before my mom who normally left for work after me. I went through my school day pretty normal, but once the day was over i got a text from my mom that was something like "You better come home now!" so i ran all 1.5 miles home, when i got home i walked up the stairs towards my room and before going into my room is aw my laptop on the living room table, before i go on my mom has always said she'd love me no matter what and support me. Anyways i walked into my room and my mom was standing over my bed, she then basically said she went through my computer and found what i was looking at which since i thought she was leaving for work i forgot to exit but it basically i was looking up advice on coming out to homophobic parents, i felt trapped especially since i was standing in the corner of my bedroom, i kinda felt like lying and playing it off like i was just "curious" but i couldn't think straight so i said "Mom, i'm gay, i like boys" and my eyes started to water up, the first thing my mom said was "do you have a boyfriend" i told her no, and she began to cry and this made me cry even more, she started to pound her chest and say "What have i done wrong" "this isn't in you're genes" "how can i love you?" "Do you hate me?" "How can you force me to go through this pain?" "you're bad for making me cry!" and all i did was stand their with my head down and tears falling, she kept telling me it was just a phase it was not right and that the "Devil was in me" she ended by telling me that if i committed suicide i'd go to hell and that if i ever brought this subject up again she'd tell my father.
    The only reason i was scared of her telling is that my father's side of the family is mainly Muslim (i'm Malay and Dutch) and many of them believe that homosexuals should die so i was afraid my dad would seriously hurt me so i wiped my face and ran outside took the local metro and sat on their till i got to Chinatown and wandered around till dark
    When i got home i went straight too bed and now my mom has not allowed me to go out anymore, she doesn't let me go with friends until she inspects them, and she won't believe a word i say, she basically denied my confession.
    It's been about a year or so and i haven't brought it up at all, I'm scared to especially since my family is really close but judgmental it will hurt my parents and my brother in the community.
    I apologize for this being so long.
     
    #1 DeanIsHome, Jan 30, 2013
  2. shovelman

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    I'm so sorry that you had to go through that specially at a young age. If it's any consolation, just know that we're all here for you at EC. Have you thought about bringing the subject up to your mom again?
     
    #2 shovelman, Jan 30, 2013
  3. DeanIsHome

    DeanIsHome
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    I have been thinking about it recently, but it will surely get around through my whole clan and it will cause my parents, siblings and grandparents embarrassment so i decided not to, plus my dad is still an issue
     
    #3 DeanIsHome, Jan 30, 2013
  4. Minx

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    I can sort of relate.

    My father was a violent alcoholic, and he always denied my orientation even though it was obvious. I was always fearful of what he'd do if the wrong mood ever crossed him while drunk.

    My opinion is that you keep quiet enough, avoid confrontation. Hold it in until you're at a safer point in your life.

    That's probably terrible advice, but it's all I got. :3
     
    #4 Minx, Jan 30, 2013
  5. DeanIsHome

    DeanIsHome
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    My new plan is to wait until i can support myself financially and hopefully move away from my family.
     
    #5 DeanIsHome, Jan 30, 2013
  6. shovelman

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    It's not the best plan but I can understand why it would have to be that way :frowning2: Does anyone else know that you're gay like a close friend? or have you not come out to anyone else other than your mom?
     
    #6 shovelman, Jan 30, 2013
  7. DeanIsHome

    DeanIsHome
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    No one knows but my mom who denies it.
     
    #7 DeanIsHome, Jan 30, 2013
  8. shovelman

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    Have you thought about coming out to a close friend? or do you not have anyone that you think you can come out to? because if you do then maybe building a support net could help you feel much better.
     
    #8 shovelman, Jan 30, 2013
  9. DeanIsHome

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    I considered it but i have way to many of my dad's side of the family relatives at my school and i'm scared my cousins will find out.
     
    #9 DeanIsHome, Jan 30, 2013
  10. shovelman

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    That sucks man, well if you ever need to talk or something send me a message and I'll be happy to reply :slight_smile:
     
    #10 shovelman, Jan 30, 2013
  11. curlycats

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    i'm really sorry to hear the stuff your mom is putting you through. :frowning2: i hope that in time she will gradually come to accept you for who you are, but i definitely wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that to happen, sadly.

    i think you've already received some good advice so far and i think your plan to wait until you can financially support yourself and distance yourself from your family is a wise thing to do. i know how much it will suck having to keep something like this to yourself, as well as putting up with your mom's crap, but sometimes it really is best to minimize/avoid confrontation. at least until one is better equipped to deal with it.

    i hope you can remain strong through it all. even if you don't have anyone IRL with whom you can share your feelings, experiences and thoughts, EC will always be a place that you can come to when you need to. you're not entirely alone. just remember to always shut your browser tabs/windows, be careful what you bookmark and clear your browser history.

    wishing you the best of luck. (*hug*)
     
    #11 curlycats, Jan 31, 2013
  12. Chip

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    You may want to talk to your guidance counselor at school about this. S/he may have resources and/or suggestions that can help. I know Washington state is pretty liberal as far as the resources they have to support families, so it's possible your counselor might be able to help you with talking some sense into your mom.

    The other piece to consider here is... now that she knows, she's probably working through the 5 stages of loss (in this case, loss of perception of her son as "straight") which are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Clearly her initial response has been denial, and sometimes parents can stay there a long time. But I guarantee she's thinking about it. So you may find that her mindset is already starting to shift, or at the very least, she might be more open to, for example, talking to your school counselor.

    In any case, please let us know if you feel you have any concerns for your personal safety. We have access to some resources that can help out if it becomes necessary.
     
    #12 Chip, Jan 31, 2013
  13. withoutApaddle

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    He's in Washington DC, not the state of Washington. Though you arguably couldn't find a more liberal place than DC.
     
    #13 withoutApaddle, Jan 31, 2013
  14. DeanIsHome

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    Actually i'm in Washington state :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    Even though Washington state is very liberal it's not the state or my mom's family i'm scared of, it's my dad's family, they are majority Muslims and they ALL believe in public death for homosexuals, that's the only thing stopping me from considering to talk to anyone.

    But really thanks everyone for you're support and advice, I'm thinking of coming out to a friend bu I'm still not sure.
     
    #14 DeanIsHome, Jan 31, 2013
  15. XsabercaliberX

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    When I came out to my whole family most of them found it fine but my dads side turned there backs on me but I thought to myself if they don't except me for who I am it doesn't matter as long as I can make a sucessful life fuck what people say you are who you are and if they don't like than they are not the person you though they were either. When my father (real not step dad) told me he was disappointed I told him that I didn't need him to approve me to go on in life happy especially since he abandoned my mother and me when I was just 2. Any way don't let peoples words get you down. Hoped this helped and I hope you have a great life because I know you can strong and pull through.
     
    #15 XsabercaliberX, Jan 31, 2013
  16. ChandlerCurious

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    Oh man I am so sorry to hear about your experience! I wish I had some great words of wisdom or advice for you other than I'm glad your here and can vent your frustrations to someone. Take care :slight_smile:
     
    #16 ChandlerCurious, Feb 1, 2013
  17. bingostring

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    this makes me so angry .. that religious undercurrent of hatred and fear that pervades the consciousness of young people and drives them in the closet, and worse...

    please find your voice, find your strength to be you ...

    DO talk to people, a counsellor, a close friend.. begin the process

    use this site too .. it will help loads

    :kiss:
     
    #17 bingostring, Feb 1, 2013
  18. niallhoran

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    I'm so sorry...that's so terrible...

    I hope you can find support on this site and in others you trust. Stay strong. You've done nothing wrong, remember. You can beat down adversity and you can do this. I know you can. Take care of yourself.
     
    #18 niallhoran, Feb 1, 2013
  19. SmokeandMirrors

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    It's good that you are still able to chat on here but look closely at those around you and find someone you can trust. Don't bury your emotions, concerns and identity within you; it will eat you up inside. Trust me on that one, I've spent many a time in inner turmoil (not just with my sexuality but ex-gf/family issues) but the thought that one day things will get better got me through it.

    Keep on looking towards the future and draw your strength from that joyous prospect that you will reach one day soon.
     
    #19 SmokeandMirrors, Feb 1, 2013
  20. DeanIsHome

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    Hey Katie its me ( ignore this post, I'm coming out to my friend who doesn't believe me)
     
    #20 DeanIsHome, Feb 5, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2013
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