I can still feel the cold numbing my nose.

I'm a young, questioning teen. I've told my parents, my health teacher, and a few friends about my feelings and everyone's been wonderful so far. I figured I'd tell about the first time I came out to a friend. Let's call her Cat because she likes them.

Our friendship started in October of seventh grade. This was a month or so after I'd had the massive realization that I was attracted to other girls. The second I saw Cat, a crush bloomed. I fell head-over-heels. She was perfectly gorgeous, the most attractive girl I'd ever seen. We became fast friends. I was grateful for this because I'd recently been "dropped" by my best friend and was looking for another close one. I grew to trust Cat more than anyone, and she weaseled several of my secrets out of me, including the guy I liked (of course, I also liked her, but I wasn't going to tell her that!). The only thing she didn't know was that I liked other girls.

On December 23rd, 2012, at about 3:30 in the afternoon (right after school), we went for a walk. We talked about anything and everything. She could tell that there was something I didn't want to talk about. I tried to explain how confused and frustrated I was feeling, but she kept on pushing me farther, wanting the essence of the secret. I remember going into the parking lot of the elementary school. It was so cold with the wind whipping around us. Her nose was so red and her blue eyes like chips of iced sky.

Finally, I decided to lead her straight to it without actually saying it. Stupid, I know, but I wasn't that comfortable with saying it aloud yet. So I said, "It starts with an L and has to do with girls."

I remember her stopping dead on the asphalt, slowly turning to face me. The realization which seeped into her jeweled blue-green gaze as she looked at me. The sickening twist of no return in my stomach. It was one of the most suspenseful, hanging moments in my life. I didn't know what I'd done.

It seemed, at the time, that she took it well. She didn't really seem to care. But after that...I don't know. She changed. Things became a little more distant, a little clouded. She seemed more uncomfortable. Then I saw her true personality: the arrogant, passive-aggressive, ungrateful girl she was. It seemed like she couldn't even bear to compliment another person, she was so vain. And vanity disgusts me more than anything. She was so dramatic. She also didn't appreciate anything any of her friends did for her. I quickly broke it off with her, my crush shattering as I saw the real Cat. I found my real friends. She ended up cyberbullying me to get my attention. The only credit I can give her is that she doesn't tell secrets. I don't think she'd ever do that.

But I do regret telling her. I do. Because she hurt me and never saw it. And I don't feel like she deserved it, if that makes sense. That intimate little part of me shouldn't belong to her, and I think it changed things.

So, yeah. Cat. That's it, I guess. Feel free to post feedback

-- Hannah xx

will you love me, even with my dark side?

 

I hope things look up for you, too. Hopefully, you can make friends who will accept you for who you are. He wasn't a real friend. You'll find the real ones with time, don't worry. c: ^^ I've certainly found them now.

 

Thank you so much ^^