In the wee hours of the morning of February 12th, 2013, I finally realized, after much reflection about my past behaviours, including turning down, when young and good-looking, numerous advances from truly beautiful women, later being married in an eventually sexless relationship and an impending divorce, and several faithless and hidden sexual encounters with men over the years; I could no longer avoid the obvious, I am gay. With that acceptance, and I can't adequately describe the feeling in words, it is as if a ton of bricks has been removed from my shoulders. I had sex with my dear friend last night, it felt different, I felt liberated, comfortable, at peace; despite no obvious difference in the mechanics, it was in all respects my first "gay" encounter, and it happened with all the tenderness, humour and excitement that goes with finally letting go of attachment to anything but the truth. And with that truth, I can see more clearly now what remains of my future life, with that one man who will take a chance with me, with all the baggage and past mistakes, and with the harmony of living with the integrity of being the same person on the outside as on the inside. I will come out slowly and carefully to others but without a doubt this coming-out event was the most important of them all.
Thank you, After living with this realization for the past two days, all kinds of things have come into focus; it truly underscores that "I would not have seen it if I didn't believe it". I had to believe, in my gut, that I am gay, not contemplate it intellectually. Case in point: suddenly it's sex with women that seems to have become "abnormal" to me, also, the thought of building a relationship with an eventual partner excites me to my core! I feel freer to experiment, to make new connections and to shout it out to the world (at least that part of it is safer in this particular community!) Thoughout this path, it's those strong and uncontrollable feelings that have led the way, I truly regret dismissing them, or rationalizing them away, so much would have been so different...
It is a big step accepting self. Congrats on the accomplishment. You will be able to move forward and come out to others as you grow more comfortable with your new understanding of you. Hugs.
