In my earlier post: "coming out...to myself" I outlined my decision to accept who I am, and that I am gay. I would like to call this post a report on my state of mind, it is worth reporting, I think, on the landscape that follows what is, to me anyway, an important decision (and evidently the sine qua non of this website!). I have now told five people, but these were safer bets as they are but acquaintances and co-workers, reactions have ranged from bemused to "duh", to: "we live near the Gay Village in Montreal and maybe we could introduce you to someone..." I'm happy with that...the hard part will be family, but that will be later. The Permissions: I never understood the power of the repression that I could inflict on myself until three days ago when I made my choice. Almost immediately I found that the little policeman in my brain (so suddenly dismissed with full pension and a bag of donuts) was no longer there to suppress my natural inclinations. Suddenly, I was free to say to my female co-workers how HOT that 25-year old young man is in the cubicle next to mine (especially today on Jeans Friday!) - they laughed to tears! There's a lightness to my step these days, dare I say a certain "gaiety" (in the old sense of the term) to the way I walk and look around. I'm suddenly checking out the world around me and making judgments about the relative cuteness of guys. I am suddenly free to think about the real possibility, one day soon, of walking with my boyfriend, hand in hand, in public in the streets of Montreal. I was always so envious of those beautiful couples when I would by chance walk behind them... But the most significant permission I gave myself was allowing myself to think that one day, a husband of mine would show up at the door to my office to come pick me up, and that I would extend my hands to his and I would look him in the eyes and tell him how much I loved him, unreservedly, unambigously, and to the fullest extent of my heart. And then I would kiss him, in front of everyone, proudly.
Oh I am not out yet back home, told mom most of it and she is shockingly fine with whatever I do...and knows what transgender is and I thought I would have to explain! But I went to see Hobbit with 2 women I knew, and one girl signs to me the 2 men there cute, oh yeah guess so, not notice it until she pointed it out, I had been enjoying them tossing Bilbo's family china! hahaha! But then that older woman, Cate Blanchette I think, she appeared without any wrinkles and long flowing dress. I didnt think her hair or outfit was pretty I thought SHE was...not 1st time I have felt that way just 1st time at the movies I was out to myself, so I almost told my friend LOOK AT HER SHE IS SO BREATHTAKING! I had already turned to face her and right hand up to wave to get her attention...she Deaf..but caught myself. OOOF! Im not a guy! She don't know I am internally shhhhhh! That could messed up my movie trying to explain why I am now commenting on women. A girl at school recently came right up to me and flirting asked to exchange #s...I knew she is lesbian but just hoped she could be ok with me as I am. Well other thread talks abt it in detail, but yeah...she not want me. She asked last time I saw her and said we can be friends if I had been to a Lesbian Bar...I was huh? Thinking why on earth would I go in one? So I told her "no, but I been in a really Gay men's bar in Portland once, that count?" guess not what she was thinking. So even though some peeps say be slow abt it, don't change for others...I really want to transition now. Mom is cool with it, I have prayed to wake up a boy since I was 10 or 11, I am 43 now, why wait more? T wil make me at least be attracting girls who may love me...as is I get straight men and gay women who only see a girl who aint there. For me it is pretty signifigant to be able to foresee a day I am able to date, and give all the love I got inside to somebody who loves me for me. I assume a girl, but I aint gonna lock the door, just whoever it is I will never leave them.
Hi GreatWhale Congratulations for coming out to yourself and a few others. At the age of 53, after a long and confusing struggle starting in my mid 40s, I too have recently accepted that I’m gay and come out to myself, my therapist, and 2 gay guys I know, but I still have a long journey ahead of me since I’m married and not yet out to my wife. During my confused state I had been aware of that “special look” you sometimes get from a stranger passing you in the street but I never responded, it’s was though I had a built in “Gaydar Jammer” similar to your little policeman. Since I have come out to myself I have switched off my jammer and now respond to these looks with a knowing glance or smile. I now get a warm feeling whenever this happens knowing that “he knows - that I know – that he knows” and it’s made me feel so much better and confident about myself. I am also getting an urge to SHOUT out in public to everyone that I’m gay, each time I go shopping and see the microphone on the customer support desk at the local supermarket I feel like grabbing it and telling the whole store I’m gay. Good luck for a much happier future. SaleGayGuy
I don't think I could have said it better myself. The last 2 weeks of actually coming out at work have been fantastic Liberated doesn't begin to describe how it feels (!)
There's an expression in French which comes to mind: Le Bonheur se raconte mal. - "Happiness is a difficult story to tell" So true, the desire to shout out loud after so long a sacrifice is overwhelming, but it is indeed almost impossible to describe, so I will go with the dancing banana too
