Alone... Again

Where to begin... "everything said here is true though names are omitted for a reason"
within 89% it has been many years and some of it is grey... but it is still true...

I was born a Male in 1975... My mother was a twice divorcee.... Well, not all the time just the last 3 or 4 years.... of my childhood... or lack there of...

I had a pretty normal broken family upbringing... well I guess for me it was normal...
by the time I was 5 I had my own set of Optical enhancement... glasses... I was sitting on my knees one day writing at the coffeetable... I remember the eraser it seemed so big to me then... didn't realize that i needed glasses because I thought I was supposed to see that way... well anyway.. my mother smacks the dog who than runs into the room slams into me and well the huge eraser ends up in the area my eyeball is supposed to be... tickled... okay tas a lie i didn't actually feel anything i just couldn't see anything.... rush to the hospital doctor says i need glasses or i might go blind... my mother and step father always argueing about this or that... was a kid figured it was normal... as time goes one more weird things happen to me... seeing my dad play the big man i figured i as the son was supposed to act like him... and started to act like a mean drunk... pushing kids out of my way... kissing girls without asking... fighting with everyone... even punched a teacher... got kicked out of my normal public school and sent myself on a road to the hell that would be the rest of my life...
My new school was for bad children... and LD's... which i was a proud member of both... but not until later... still starting fights... was 8 years old when i had my first sexual type experience with a girl... no not what you might think were talking touching and petting... and licking type things... she was older than me but said she loved me so i wanted to play daddy... while she did start it... her parents found out... and I was kicked from that school... now having the option of going to school pretty much removed I was out of schooling options... my mother thought home schooling was the best option... but my mother had a knack for being a hard head... and her idea of schooling was writing ten pages of "I will not fight in school" which if done correctly will fit 76 times on a college rule paper... the old college rule anyway... I learned nothing from that accept I should be punished for everything I do... without any chance for remorse or learning...
when i was ten years of age i decided since I couldn't get any positive attention I would try hader to get negative attention... after some college I found out this is what children do lol... so I decided to burn down my mothers beloved back yard grass... nobody realized it was a clean burn and nothing else had a chance of burning but noone cared I was a danger to myself and others and i was to be commited to a childs mental hospital... doctors there decided I was a child with no remorse not to be allowed out of the sight of another adult ever again... they decided this when I told them I burned the grass to get attention... since it seemed like I was unwanted or un-needed... as it were... but one doctor stopped and listen to what i had to say... he was the one that realized i had a problem and it wasn't that i didn't have a soul... my mother denied everything i said... all the way down to locking me in my room at night where i would pee behind my bed so as not to wake her up and get yelled at... my mother was a yeller and my stepfather was a belt man... naked bottom belt man... he though pants stood in the way of progress... anyway... when i was at the hospital the doctor listened to what i had to say and he saw my dilema he put in my records that i was a manic depressive with signs of scitzophrania... he told his colleagues that there was a soul behind my eyes... and if they took the time to talk to me they would see it... so i talked to many more people... trying to be honest as possible... they said they souldn't be telling me that i have a bad mother... but they did... they said i was manic because i had no idea what right and wrong was... but that i could learn... they said i was scitzo cause i had no fear of reprocutions but not all the time... but didn't know what to think of me when i told them that i wish i had been born a girl... when i finally got out of the facility... deemed "cured" or "sane" I went home... I went to church that weekend... and my priest asks me to see him after service... now i was trying to make my life better looking for positive influences to my already dreary existence so please bear with me...
the priest sits me down and looks at me... like... wierd to me... now i would see it as perverted... but then... it made me flustered... kinda like a girl feels when a guy whois really cute hits on her for the first time... but than he looks apologetically at me... i was thinking what happened? then he says... your going to hell... struck... i start crying... i said... i am trying as hard as i ca to please everyone... is there no chance? he says to me... no... you are a perversion. a creature without a soul... you can never be normal... you will nver be normal... your kind is a blight on the world and you should be snuffed out... but even the church won't hurt you... you should be spitted on a crucifx and burned... cry i looked at him... i jst burned the lawn... and he looks at me... god doesn't care about the grass... its the taint... the whorish feeling you have... the desire to be a girl...
it hurt... i cried for days and talked to noone... sometimes they even forgot i was there... there was no get this for me... or run to the fridge and get your father a cold one... i had turned inwards... i stopped communicating with the world... i grew dark and twisted on the inside... the few friends i had didn't want to be seen with me let alone around me... I had no friends I had no family... and the people that did talk to me... were scared of me... like i would pervert them... yeah i had a "priest" who couldn't shut up.... and since they weren't told to him in confession... he didn't have too...
my mother was afraid of me too... so scared as a matter of fact that she put me into a non state funded institution for bad kids... well they say kids aren't bad.... they haven't met these kids... i guess... my mother knew deep in her heart there was no room to save me... she was a good catholic and what the preist said went... i was going to hell and there was nothing that could change that... I was a perversion of gods gifts something to be reviled hated.. lothed... and expunged... i could never be trusted and i should be locked away from society so that i couldn't spread my taint...
with that I was sent to a boarding school for BD and LD children... the kind of place a parent sends you when they think their is no hope for you and would rather send you there so they don't have to deal with you... my pain got worse... the school itself was actually fun... but i missed my pets my dogs my bird... i missed having a life... but as society is people find out about your past and you always have to relive it... i had alot of secrets to hide and noone to share them with... and because of that i talked in my sleep... i told a few kids my fears my desires and remember nothing of it... one of the kids that listened decided a path t take... another chose a different path... but they both ended up with me in pain belittled and scared... drawn even farther into myself... like a broken mirror everything that i was shattered... i was left with nothing... not even dignity... when i was twelve i was out in the soccer area around school... i had skipped my archery class to get some reading for school done... yeah bad kid still loved school... i knew i was gonna get in trouble but i didn't care i was a evil wretch anyway... why care about rules... one of the boys who had been listening to me talk in my sleep comes out... he was a little husky kid... i think he was sixteen or seventeen... and he comes out saying you know your gonna be in trouble... i told him who cares... he comes up to me and punches me in my face and says well you little bitch if i am gonna get in trouble i'm gonna make your life trouble... i was a little over four foot four and weighed about eighty-three pounds wet... and i got up and fought as hard as i could... he beat my ass stupid... and kicked me a few times to make sure i couldn't do anything back to him... he dragged me back to a small area of the school and started whaling on me some more... when he saw that i couldn't breath let alone fight he grabbed my waist... and yanked off my pants... i tried to fightand he punched me in the nuts... he said... every time i catch you alone either you will get another beating or you will pull down your pants and bend over... than he shoved himself in me... when he was done he didn't bother tryingto clean me up or hide anything... he kicked me again... several times i thought i was going to die... he told me this is what happens to little boys that wish they were girls... i was broken... i had never wanted anyone to ever know that... and he knew... this boy who was 2 feet taller than me 4 years older and 4x as powerful than me knew the one secret i never told anyone... and he used it against me several times... i didn't even know this was wrong... i just accepted my fate... i would cry for hours and i didn't have friends so who would i tell...
the other boy... one night when i am sleeping, comes over to me and starts wailing on me... he says tonight your my bitch, bitch boy... you wanna see what its like to be a girl... than here you go... this happens several times... and he never gets caught... he didn't do it in the open... and i never told... when i found out it was wrong... he just stopped...
the first boy was caught one day... after a severe beating for trying to defend myself... he grabs me and shoves me into the wall head first... almost knocking me out completely... but he pushed me infront of a window... that the teachers in the school could see through... so while he's doin his thing to me... the teachers come out grab him... the teacher i thought hated me... asked me how long this has been going on... i told him a long time... for a child a year is a long time... getting raped on a continual basis... doesn't really have a short time...
my teacher asked me why i never said anything... i cried... i didn't know what to say... the big mouth know it all with an answer for everything didn't know what to say... he hugged me... in a way my parents never really did... i felt love... i started to pull my pants down thinking it was his turn... and he looked at me and told me that i would never ever have to do that again... he told me to pull my pants up and took me to the boys shower... he watched me take a shower... i thought it was wierd that he would look at me as closely as he did... but i know now it was so he could check me for marks and bruises... he asked me to seperate my cheeks... thought why are you asking this if your not going to hurt me... he said i am checking for signs of blood... I was a dumb kid i didn't know better so i took it a face value... but he seemed to be telling the truth... cause they took me to the hospital...
he asked me again when it started... we talked for hours... i was wondering when it would happen... when he was going to yank down my pants and rape me... he never did... though i knew in my mind that i knew he could do whatever he wanted to me... big strong man... six two lean strong i feared and respected him... and i thought he hated me enough to hurt me... then it happened... my mind broke... like a flood all my pain came out of me like a torrent... like a damn had broken... i told him everything except the name of the other boy... i told him i prayed and hoped it would stop... I told him... that i prayed but i knew god wouldn't help me... i told him that noone would help me ever... he asked me why i said that... i asked him if he could keep a secret... he told me if it would help me get better he would have to tell someone that would keep my secret in their heart... i liked that answer it wasn't filled with half promises... it felt true... it melted my heart a little... so i told him everything... and why i knew god would never be there for me... why god hated this boy who wanted to be a girl... why i was... alone... he told me that it didn't sound like the god he knew... i lookede up and said theres a different god? he said no... only one god... but he said he was taught that god love all of his children no matter who they were or what they did... and he was quite sure god loved me... he told me that god even loved the boy that hurt me... and would always love him... said how can god love me or him if we are such bad children... he said your not a bad child... your a really good child who's a little mixed up in the head... he told me i needed help... and he knew the person that could help me if i was willing to trust him he knew one person that could help me with my secret... i asked him to promise me that if i let him tell this person... that he must promise to never mention it again... without my permission... he made that promise... I was heart broken... mind broken... i had nowhere else to turn... and he was offering me a strawberry(dun really like apples)... i was torn in the thoughts if i should take it... i was scared... i really didn't want anyone else to know my secret... so far in the 3 years since i said it it had cost me everything... my life my soul... my dignity... even my virginity... i knew i was going to hell... i knew there was no limbo for me... i knew i had nothing left but more pain and suffering... what else did i have to lose... who else would care... a man i grew up to trust had told me there was no place in gods world for me... i was an enigma... i was out of place... but the teacher said something to me... something i thought queer at the time... he said in order to heal you will have to trust someone... he said it doesn't have to be me... but i know my friend can help you... i looked up into his eyes... brown soft teddybear like eyes... and said please help me... i want to be whole...
two days later i was visited in class by a woman... me and the teacher went out into the hall... and he introduced me to her... he said her name and told me what she does... he said that she helps children in trouble... children that the world wants to give up on... he said she can help you try to become whole again... i trusted him... what did i have to lose... i met the second real helper on my road... one whom i still talk to whenever i can say hello...
she asked me to tell her my story... i think she said... where do you want to begin... i said where would you like me to start... she said anywhere its your story and only you know how you want the book to be read... i was baffled... i thought... she thinks i'm making this up... and i refused to talk to her... i told her leave me alone... i looked at her and said i can't trust some who thinks i made it all up... it took many weeks for her to calm me down... state mandated me to her care... so i had to go several times a week... she looked at me every time and said... when you are ready to tell me what the fire in your eyes means i will be waiting here to listen... she apologized for calling me a story teller she even told me in her customs a story teller isn't a person who makes up stories... they are the people who carry on the stories of the past so that noone ever forgets... i thought it was a little odd... but i still kept my guns and kept quiet... i still felt like she thought i was a little lying baby with nothing she had to hear... i thought she had already judged me...
i guess one day when my teaher saw his friend she told him she was having trouble getting me to open up... and asked if he could sit in on a few of my sessions... maybe it would help me open up... he said he would... but handed her something i never knew he had... it was a tape... from the day i opened up to him... he told me about the tape... later... i was mad... he said that he never broke his word... i had to... admit he was right... I had made him promise he could tell his friend and never anyone else... ever again without my permission... he used a loophole on a loopholer... she looked at me and said if i am not ready she can understand... but asked me if she could play the tape... so she could better understand me... i freaked but my teacher grabbed me... that same hug... i settled down... i whimpered... but i was in a safe place there... i knew there nobody could hurt me... i shook my head... i cried... she cancled other appointments... the tape was several hours long... she listened... what she felt was only known by the tears on her cheeks... my teacher was less effected... or he was trying to be strong... i still felt alone... i was outnumbered... but i knew i was safe where i was...
my next sesssion... I told her everything... hoping it would stop... but there was a threat made that if i ever told the other boy would kill me... i told the woman about my past... i told her i had one day told someone i wish i had been a girl... and how everyone had turned on me and some got mean... how i got mean and started lashing out... and ended up there... she cried but not in the way i cried she just had the tears... all this time i had been abused for a belief... a desire... i told him that the boys said they wanted me to know what it feels like to be someones bitch... she said no woman ever has to go through what i did... unless they choose it... and what they did was wrong... nobody should every do what they did to me... i respected the teacher i respected her...
oddly enough i also had a crush on my teacher... i had fallen in love with my savior i guess... but i wasn't... a homosexual... if you can understand that... when i was raised it was either one side or the other... you couldn't stand on the fence... I really liked girls but in my mind he saved me... strangely enough i wanted to take him... but he was a good teacher... and when i stopped being such a jerk... after the break through... my grades started to get better though i was still having problems with math... algebra mostly i had everything else cintched... but i was still a bad boy... didn't follow rules arguements fights...
after that i found it hard to trust easily... and even worse if you broke my trust i hated you forever... at least than... i had been hurt so many times in four years i was a bomb waiting for someone to mess with me... i had many mixed feeling but i had the intellegence to accept them and learn from them... though... my reputation had been shot... i had been the bad ass for so long... people started asking what had happened to the other boy... and one of the staff said he was raping a kid... and was going to juvi or something... my change in attitude happened around the same time... so... they knew it was me that had been raped... they called me faggot and gaylord... and as many other things they could... i was a chink a bitch... and a whore... i ignored them... or i tried... it started many fights... one day in the cafateria... one of the guys whispered in my ear... i bet you think he's a hot sexy stud don't you hebitch... i went off... i tried to kill him with a salt shaker... a tin salt shaker... they got it out of my hand and dragged me outside...(the staff)... where i turned around... i was fourteen and knocked a strong guy from new york flat out... i was angry i was scared... my anger fueled by my fear... it took twelve other staff members to calm me down... talk about a football game... the staff member wanted to press charges... the judge asked him if he really wanted to be known as the guy who got his ass whooped by a fourteen year old who was not only underwieght but half his size... he dropped the charges... they decided it was time for me to move on... and sent me to a new school... where i could leave my past behind... and live normally... i got a new therapist and they had my permission to share their knowledge... including the tape...
i think my first therapist left the school after me... i hear about her every once in a while and say hello if i ever bump into her... its rare but this world isn't that large...
well suffice to say... my bad boy nature came back but i had a vent for my anger and i didn't talk in my sleep anymore... but... as with anything good... it comes back... i was playing volleyball... for my nw school... and my old school was part of the same league... i had played for them... very well i was one of the highest preformers in the sport for our teams... and the old school comes in... in front of my team one of the guys i knew from my old school... looks at me and says i know that fagget... hes the one that got (blank) arrested for raping his ass... its the hebitch i was telling u guys about... my heart dropped... i left... i was crushed... my whole new life was about over... when a girl from my school walks up to me... and says... i know what its like to be raped... maybe not the duration i hear you went through... but i know... i miss her... forgot her name... she took me by the hand and hugged me... and i felt that safe feeling again... i didn't know i could feel safe... anywhere... ever again... but she made me feel safe... she made me feel like i mattered... i asked her is she had been raped for her beliefs... she asked me what i meant... i said... i was raped because i wish i had been born a girl... she said... no... she told me she was raped by a parent and sent here to shut her up... she had been called a liar... i saw my pain in her eyes... i wish i knew her name... we stayed friends til they moved her to another school... they said it was to hide her from her father... he had found out where she was... i remember her name now... her full name... but i will not speak it... but i miss her... i really do... i told her everything over the next few days... about my "priest" how i was told i was gonna burn in hell for my thoughts... and there was no way to save me... she said her god would love me no matter my thoughts... and told me its not what we think... that god punishes us... well.. not only... but for what we do... she asked me how it happened... i told her i guess i was talking in my sleep one night... thats what the staff told me the first guy said... that i told him in my sleep... that ihad asked him to rape me... they think i might have but it was still no reason... they also said... anywho...
i was fifteen by now... my mother didn't talk to me much... i really didn't want to talk to her... i had doubts she really cared... always thought she only talked to me to keep me from signing papers to turn me over to the state... i should have signed... i didn't though... something about family... i really hated mine... but it was mine... anyway after a yar ther is when she left... i was alone again... i started acting out... i went to school no matter what... i passed highschool but... i spent time breaking every rule i could find... i ran away i caused propery damage in an excess of 12k.... to the school... i was controlled by my anger... the only friend i had found in this godforsaken world and she was taken from me... i had nothing else to live for... i livede recklessly cause car accidents by running out in the streets... i stole from stores... had touchy touchy wth girls but never went all the way... k told them noone touches me there... and scared them away... i desensitized myself and broke my own heart... i hated everyone and everything... but there was a light... i was in school one day... and my old teacher was visiting... they told me they were thinking of highering him... i asked when he was going to start... he said in the next couple of months... i cried... there was hope for me... someone who knew me might be coming back... to me... someone... for lack of another term... i loved... i knew i could never have him... but i had grown past that... and just loved him... no strings attached... he sat down with me at lunch... and looked at me... kinda harsh i was scared... i had seen a look like that before... it came before physical trauma... but he looked at me... and said i hear you've been having alot of trouble... what happened... i told him... they took my only friend and left me alone... he saw the devistation in my eyes... i cried... i felt like a book open for everyone to read... heres billy bad ass... thirty four fights no losses and i'm crying like a big baby... now i had my enemies... had to no friends means lots of enemies... i got picked on... i took care of it... but here i was crying like a gyser... he asked me if there was anything i wanted to do... i thought about that for a time... and i said... are you sure god doesn't hate me?.. he said i am quite sure... i said if god will listen to me i would sing to him... so... one thing lead to another and i am the leading male saprano in my chior... me... billy bad ass turned girl singer... parden the punning... i was happy... someone wanted me for my ability to sound like a girl... they never knew why i sounded like a girl... they didn't have too... i even sang a duet and the waldendorf... i believe that was the name of the hotel in chicago by the El... we were there for christmas... later the hotel was shutdown... i dunno why... but i felt alive...
i felt love, people in my chior cared about who i was not what happened to me... i even got intimate with a girl... kissing... something i never did before... it felt right... i even stopped getting into fights and started acting like a civil person... some of my enemies became my friends...
than i got into an arguement one day... and some of the off campus kids wanted to beat me... all because i refused to be told what to do... so... i left... i knew i was going to get hurt... but i figured i had it coming to me... i was not going to fight them... i figured i would fade away... noone would miss me... i was an outcast shunned for my beliefs... but... my "girlfriend" didn't like that... a guy i had gotten into a fight with... someone who gave me some lumps and got some... had grown to respect me... she asked him for help... guess she could see it in my eyes... he got some of his friends and decided to defend me... he knew... he knew i was broken... he knew i wouldn't fight... he also knew about my secret and never told... he knew i was ready to give up everything... he saw the tears in my eyes my pain... i didn't want to hurt anyone else... i told him to leave it alone... and let it happen... he said something about the kid having a bat and meaning to kill me... i said its not his fight... i told him i must atone for my wrongs... i said maybe than god will love me... he said he hated church but still would go to hear me sing... he told me that he felt that i am at peace... he said to me noone could sing like i do without gods love... he said he believed god loved me... and that there are no sins that i could have left to atone for... being stubborn i said i won't have anyone else hurt for me... he said than make it a fair fight... if the guy has a problem you deal with it... there is no reason why all those guys need to hit me... so... broken i made a stand... the other kid told him to stay out of it.... my friend said if anyone lays a hand on me except the kid trying to hurt me... he would beat them himself... it will be a fair fight or a painful one... the other kid knew he couldn't take me... though still small i was powerful... and he ran off... scared i guess don't know don't care... i had an ally who wanted to see me do better... even knowing what i was...
a few months later my "girlfriend" told me she cheated on me... and that she couldn't be with me because she felt bad... she broke my heart... and than told me it was my fault... for being weak... and not strong enough for her... i snapped at her... in the house of god i called her a whore... and stormed out... another kid... literally built like a gorilla round muscles and everything hears me... doesn't know the situation chases me outside... tells me stop he wants to know what happened... he didn't want to know what happened... he wanted to cheap shot me... he punches me in my face as hard as he can breaks my lip... as she comes running out the door crying out "im sorry please forgive me" seems it was a test... she thought i would lash out at her... she lied to me... she ripped my heart out... and than tied to make it seem like it was nothing... anyway we never got back together... and our duets were off... i went back to soloing til i calmed down we tried again as friends... it didn't have the same ring... and my other friends knew i was in it anymore... i had been hurt again... and my heart was tired... the boy who hit me... was a ninteen year old hold back... i was fifteen wieghed a hundred and twenty pounds... i was not very tall but i was lankey... i was hit by surprise and went out cold... the before friend heard what had happened and decided i had been right... everyone thought i had been right... and a guy 3 times my size wasn't going to get away with it... he knew i would say leave it alone so he never told me about it... ever seen a chicken get chased by a farmer with a knife... how bout a big big guy chased by the million man march... i stopped them... i said no... its not right... my friend asked me why he should spare him... i looked at him and said... i was misguided once... stupid to a fault... but i stopped... and well... if the best he can do is get in a cheap shot... than he's not worth it... what was weird was the antagonist from the previous fight was among the people standing up for me... i played at being billy the bad ass know itall with an answer for everything... but when i tried to change my life... people seemed to care... but... they didn't know that the church thought i was a foul demon either... they liked me for who i was... not what i wished...
things change when you become an adult... its wierd...
I became an adult while i was 16... i graduated highschool 2 days before my 17th birthday.... i had not only done something may parents hadn't done... my mother has a ged... but i did it younger than anyone in my family(recorded) ever did... well i fopawed though... i went to another catholic church to ask about a chior membership... they asked me for my credentials and found out i could still sing the high c... i hadn't stared smoking and could hit some impossible tones.... so they invited me into their fold... well... than some bad news happened the old "priest" was on tour... he had made cardinal... or something... and he was at my church the fifth time i sang... he asked me who i was cause i looked familiar... they told him my name... he pulled out a book and looked in it... and said i was excommunicated.... a satan spawn... that my singing was that of a harlot... i was shamed again... he looked at me and said did you not think that gods eye did not see everywhere... get out you harlot and leave the sacriments behind...
i cried... and than i got bold... i told him... if i was so demonized why did god bless me with a voice to be heard in the heavens... he said satan can give a voice as well... and yours will be heard for ages in hell... i said if that is so... i will see you there... as a welcomed friend... he said i won't be there... i said really... was it not god who said (matthew 7:11) Judge not, that you be not judged. i argued with him for 10 minutes... but he was staying on his high horse... i walked up to my new priest gave him a peck on the cheek and said i am sorry father... i will leave to save the church... he cried... i cried...
No matter where i went my past always caught up to me... in some way or another... i was starting to think God really did hate me... I was a choir boy... and alter boy... i did everything i could do to get out of gods wrath... and yet i always seemed to be the burden... i was the filth we shake off our boots... i was lower than dirt in china... than one day... i tried to move back in with my mom but she made me sleep on a concrete porch while she sold my fathers house from underneath me... i got my father to take me in... but i borrowed some change and was kicked out... i could do no right in the world... i stood on a percipice... i was alone... i had nothing... i was nothing... i didn't even think i mattered to anyone... i contiplated suicide... many times i found myself standing on the tollbooth bridge ready to end it... the only person to mark my passing would be the guy who hit my corpse after i broke my neck...
i thought to myself many time whats to lose... i stood on that bridge which had been my home... and said who would miss me... my mother hates me fears me... my father... isn't even my father so why should he care... god hates my soul... i'm still a boy... and noone wants me... i cried myself to sleep many times... usually just wishing i would die go to hell and get it over with... than one day while i am contiplating suicide again... i forget how many times... a preacher man approaches me... i didn't know he was... he looks at me and says you look like you have lost your fold... i said... my family hates me... my church thinks i am a pervert... i never had a fold... he said to me... don't jump... he than says do you plan on staying here... i said i been here since i left college 3 years ago... don't go far... not alot of strength... i was six two and three quarters... and i weghed one hundred and thirty pounds.... i was ninteen years old... i had been thrown away by my mother and excommunicated by my church... god i was good... accused of cheating on the asvab the military didn't even want me... i guess i was kinda pathetic... but noone cared... i was alone so it was suck it up or die... he turns around to me and says will you be here tommorow... i looked at him... without an adress or a place to call my own... i won't be going anywhere soon... now the place i was living... was 10 miles from anywhere... near a hunting preserve... the owner had told me if i could catch it... i coul eat it... so... i picked berries... i was a vegitarian... well was...i chose it... so... boo on you... when you barely have enough to eat you dun waste energy chasing what you may or may not catch... anyway i knew a bit of herbology so i knew what not to eat... but at least you know how i lived... anyway... the next day the guy comes back with some brand new clothes... and i said sir are you sure you want to help me... it might get you kicked out of your church... he looks at me quizically... and says why wouldn't i... god points i go... i asked him... are you sure god pointed at me and not someone past me... he said god made me hit a pothole... i saw you when i stopped... so i promised him i would be back... i said why... he said god kinda makes us go back... when we make promises... i was a little terrified but not having someone to talk to in 3 years does that... but i was also intrigued... so i asked so that was you a month ago that almost hit me... he said yep... i said why did it take you so long to keep your promise to god... he said like any good christian... even ministers... there are things god asks of us even when he knows we refuse to do it... i said so why wait til now... he looked at me and grinned cause god has been making my life a living hell for procrastinating... i was wondering... how has he made your life hell... well he says... first god fired me from my job at the plant... and i have 3 daughters... a wife and 4 dogs... so i said okay... i can do this and look for another job... turned down... several times... i drove past you a couple days ago and said... well maybe i should talk to him... still put it off... than yesterday... i stopped by and said hello... and my plant called me back and my church offered to hire me...
so now i am left thinking, god rewards those that obey... but that still didn't do anything for me... i had been living under a bridge with the knowledge my chuch hates me and my mother wants nothing to do to me... but why is he here... so i asked him... he said god wants you to know he loves you... he looks hard at me... he doesn't care what you did... who doesn't care who you are... he doesn't care how you think... he doesn't care why you were removed from your church or why you live in the woods... he only cares about who you are now... he knows big things will come from those who wish to believe in him... someday... who knows what they are... but he punished me for not obeying a promise i made to him... about you...
i was taken aback to say the least... god had punished someone for my sake... i found it hard to believe... i had always been told by the church noone was to help me... ever and this guy was being punished for listening to the church...
he asked me what my story was anyway... i had grown wisdom and knew what he meant... but i politely told him... ask me again sometime after i trust you... he said he understood... and than asked me if i would be here the next day... i said i live 20 feet from here where else would i be... he came back the next day with food in his hand... a ham sandwich and some fruit... i ate the fruit and asked him if he wanted the sandwich... he said nah his wife made it for me... and i told him... i was sorry i didn't eat meat... he looked am curiously... i think he thought i was nuts... but he ate the sandwich... asked me if i was born a vegitarian... i said no... not reallly a vegitarian... just don't eat meat cause the way i live i would starve thinking about it... i told him i eat nuts though he ran back to his car... figured he may come back or not... oh well... he didn't even say good bye... so here i was all alone given time to contimplate what had happened these last two days... again the thought in my head... this guy was being punished for not honoring a promise to god to visit me... a ninteen year old hermit who had noone or anything... why me... what did it all mean... by nineteen i had lost everything... i had been a bad child... horrible by the the churches terms... evil even... i had lost hope contimplated taking my life... since i figured i was going to hell who cared how i got there...
later that evening i was setting up my bed... some leaves i had gathered... and was laying down to rest when i see a flashlight... i'm thinkin did i do something wrong that the guy who owns the place wants me to vacate... but no... he's there but with the preacher guy... i said what did i do wrong he said nothing... the church called me up and asked me to help with find you... i said the church... he said yeah i'm the one that told them... than he almost hit you and got scared i reckon... the minister looks and smiles and said will you come with me? i said why... you owe me nothing... he looks at me shrewed... and says no... i owe god... and you
me... so i am thinking me what do you owe me...
he looks at me and says i strayed... but when i did what i was asked i got my life back... than he askes me again... will you come with me... and stretches out his hand... they both look at me and says if you are scared we can wait... its getting close to winter again and we do not want to see you stuck out here... i looked at him and said i have been here for 3 years...
the owner says yeah... but three years ago i didn't believe in god... so i gave in... i figured what do i have to lose... i had clened myself up the day before except my hair... i had alot... but i took a rinse and was wearing the new clothes... so i got into the guys truck... he said something that made me giggle.... he says for a homeless guy thats been out here for three years you smell pretty clean... i thought just cause a guy lives in squalor doesn't mean he has to scare off the squirrels... he looked at me... and said how old are you... really... i said lets see... 19 i think... he says what slams on the breaks... what happened to you... i looked at him... and said... you may have gods trust but you still have to earn mine... he said fair enough... i was very guarded... having been burned so many times... i was afraid if i told him why i was taken out of the church... he might throw me out too... but for now i could keep my secrets... and all would be well... hell i might even get a warm meal out of it... who was i to complain... well anyway he had these adorable girls... triplets in fact... kinda scared me... in my mind i am thinking do they make those dresses in my size... and i smack myself in the head hard enough to make myself hurt... i mean really... why would you think that and the way you stared... they'll think your a perv...
i lived with them for six months i had my own home in thier barn i worked at the church soup kitchen and even talked to people down on thier luck... but after a couple months my benefactor started to get antsy... he caught me a few times staring at his girls... but he noted a longing in my eyes... not the kind you would expect... from a guy... who hasn't felt the touch of a loving hand... in years but something else... he walked up to me and sat down... and looked at me... i started getting scared... he says i can see something in you... i said and what is that... he said... i see a longing... but its not my daughters you are staring at... i was surprised to say the least... he said... its thier dresses thier cute outfits... he said i think i understand why your all alone... i started to cry... noone had ever been able to tell by my actions what was in my heart... he looks at me... the church removed you from the books because you desire to be what you can't be... my jaw dropped... i knew... i knew he was going to throw me out... i even said i'll pack... he said why... he said god made you the way you are... i can't imagine what you have gone through... he said were not like that at our church... i said but god is god... he said yeah well some people think god stood over mount olympus and smacked the ground with a pick axe... that doesn't mean they are right...
my mouth dropped... someone who thought about me and not just see a weirdo... i told him everything... he was open with me... and it scared me... i felt he deserved to know... i felt he needed to have a reason to sign me away like everyone else... i was so gushy i hadn't realized that his family had joined him... i never would have said half the things i did if i had known the girls were there... but i did... and they cried for me... he looks at me... looking like he had just taken one over the head with a bat... and he reaches his hand to me and says... welcome home... welcome... home... home... whats that... i never really had one... \
anyway 4 months later and a better head on my shoulders i told them i had to go... he had told me god had a plan for me... i just didn't know if it was there... i hand cleaned up i was 20... still good looking... that was 17 years ago.... oy... i was still a loner... didn't care who knew it... stayed in a homeless shelter for a bit got a job a white castle joined a new church... stayed quiet about myself... and got to sing again... it was always about the singing for me... i was never happy unless i was singing... but the church had no chior... no reason but the bad voices ringing in dilited majesty to rock the house of god... i often wondered if he had cotton balls... but it was a time to let the pipes do thier thing... anyway... around the age of 21 or 22 i joined a carnival... see the sights they said... all the pretty girls they said... bah... wasted 8 years of my life.... year 2002... i finally found a woman who puts up with me... sadly... i wish i could make her happier...
see... i'm not a pedophile... i am a girl trapped in a mans body who when looks at children thinks back... when i was that young would that have looked good on me...

I am futa... western and eastern...
I am cub.... i love them... clothed or not...
I am furry... goes with cub but older...
I am lolicon... that doesn't make me a pedophile... cause not all of it pertains to sex...
I was a child with overt transvestite behavior
I still wish i was a girl... than i would look cute in a skirt as a furry or a cub...
And while i love the woman i am with... I am still very much alone... why else would i use a fake name... but i do know now that god loves me... no matter what the church may say....

Poetic license in some of it... I was actually 10 when he grabbed me and beat me... I had been sitting in the park and he had "lost his ball" I went to get the ball... for him and he grabbed me and beat me... I went to the hospital that day and the doctor had thought i had been hit by a car... but I never told til I typed this... I never told til my heart was broken for the last time....