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My Last Coming Out (almost)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Chickenlover, Feb 24, 2013.

  1. Chickenlover

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    WARNING: THIS WILL BE A NOVEL TO END ALL NOVELS. THOSE WHO READ ON WILL DESERVE AN AWARD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. :slight_smile:

    This happened about two weeks ago, but I'm going to post it anyhow because it was pretty much my last big coming out.

    I go to a special school that's like a part time boarding school, you sleep over for two nights a week. It's also an outdoor program and there are 15 students in the entire school. Living with the other 14 students (who range in age from 13-18 this semester) you tend to quite close, and you get to know each other pretty well. The year is split into two semesters, so typically at the end of each semester a few kids stay on, a few leave, and we get a new crowd of new kids. I started coming out at school last semester, starting with our night time supervisor, and then my three closest friends. Their reactions were all fantastic, and my three friends especially were hugely supportive. However, I still felt like I was hiding from the rest of the group. I was scared to come out to them, and, with with three of them very Christian, I couldn't be sure of their reaction. I dawdled for the entire semester, not sure how on earth I could tell the rest of the class. My teacher was making my closet no easier by teasing me mercilessly about having a crush on one of my male friends who I was not yet out to. I finally hit on a solution, I would tell the class right after the semester shift, when we were introducing ourselves to the new group. During the time before then I came out to one of my classmates - who came right back out to me. One of my friends also convinced me to come out to my other friend, saying that he deserved to know before the rest. So it was that I ended up telling most of the old class before the new class. I don't think I would ever would actually have told them had two things not happened. One of them was the support of one of my friends. We don't have a relationship where we talk about personal matters much, but every week before the boat home she would console me and tell me that the coming out would go fine. It touched me to see how much she cared, and I resolved to come out for her sake. The other reason was much less welcome. My teacher exceeded all previous incidents by teasing me about having a crush on my male friend more ferociously than ever before. It was horrible. I was so angry that I made a thread on it. It also made me realize that I could not stand it anymore. I had to get out.

    The day that I was meant to tell everyone was terrifying. Even after the support of EC, friends, and family, I was still shaking with stress all day. I was almost relieved when it was time to introduce ourselves. "Don't worry, you'll be fine" one of my friends whispered to me. "Just as long as he does the activity" I whispered back. Our standard method of introducing was to go around in a circle and and say a little about ourselves. I knew that this method was not interactive enough for my teacher. Sure enough, he pulled out a pile of Bingo sheets. The activity he had thought up was fun, engaging, and utterly worthless to my coming out. I sat there at the fire pit and just felt my heart sink. I spent the rest of the day in a level of high stress. I had psyched myself up for this moment, and to have it stolen from me was just brutal. I couldn't handle it. By then, I knew that I could not go home without coming out. That evening, I held a whispered conversation with the supervisor, and she offered to hold an introductions thing later in the evening. It was perfect - except that my teacher wasn't there. I'd have to come out to him separately. By then I didn't care. I took her up on her offer. Then ensued a long wait while we waited for everyone to have dinner. I could barely eat. Finally the supervisor brought the group together and we sat around and introduced ourselves. I stabbed my hands with a sharp pencil, completely overcome with panic. I had no idea what to expect from the class, and we had two very Christian people in the group. One of them I am very close to, and I did not want to lose our friendship. I just wanted to say what I had to say and move on. Finally it was my turn. I stammered my name, home location, and hobbies, then, twisting my fingers, added what I had been planning to say: "I've got to set the record straight on something: I'm not" Unfortunately, in my nervousness I said instead "And now I've got to set the record straight on something that I think you should know, I'm not". Understandably, nobody understood what I'd said. Spreading out my hands I blabbered "Don't you see? I'm not straight. "I"M NOT STRAIGHT. I'm...I'm..." "Alright" someone told me "We get it" they began to move on to the next person. That was it. I'd done it. Struck by sheer terror by the stress of coming out, and the awkwardness of my rather fail attempt, something in me snapped. I lifted up my pencil, bit off the eraser, bit it into four pieces and spit them across the table. Next, still totally overcome by all the stress that had been building in me all day, I turned the pencil around and bit the top off. It was a good chunk of wood, about 1.5cm. I spit that out and continued, chomping chunks off of my pencil until all I had left was the metal bit at the end. Then I began chewing up my chunks of pencil wood until all that remained was a pile of wet splinters and scraps of paint. The pencil was pulverized. I even chewed the metal up. Rather shakily, I threw all of the bits in the garbage and then walked around, demanding hugs from all of my friends who had known beforehand. At one point, one the guys, who later came out to me as bi (I totally called it) walked up to me and gave me a hug. Apart from that, I may as well not have existed. I felt terrible, like I was going to be sick. I fled into my cabin, crawled into my little bunk, listened to music and tried not to cry. It was just too much too handle. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I later returned to the main area wearing a blanket. I felt fragile, exposed. It was like there was a giant elephant wearing a pink tutu in the room.

    The next day I came out to my teacher. I had been so stressed the day before that I had none left over, and all I felt was bitterness at our society for making me go through this. My friends - including the Christian one - watched out the window. My teacher was a fine. I was still shaky from coming out, so I could not feel relieved, but it was undeniably better to have the secret out. That day the elephant took off his tutu and left, and instead the floor felt covered with molasses, a dark sticky layer underneath the surface talk. I felt so awkward. I wouldn't talk to anyone. That night I went on a night walk with some of my classmates, and we talked about sexuality. They all thought I'd been quite brave. I felt better. Now, a week later, I am glad I did it. The awkwardness is gone. My Christian friend says that he doesn't understand the bible enough to know if I'm going to hell or not, but he doesn't care if I am or not. Frankly I would prefer to go to Hell - I'd be in good company - but I'm glad of his acceptance. And so ends my coming out story. Everyone important, save for a few friends who live across the ocean, and my relatives know now, so I am almost officially out. It is amazing. I couldn't have done it without EC. Your support has made all the difference. Thank You.

    I'm not leaving now though, don't worry! (Oh darn, maybe I just disappointed you :lol: ) I'm going to stick around and return what was given to me - support, friendship, acceptance.
     
  2. returning

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    Congratulations!
     
  3. campervankid

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    cool story, congrats on coming out - that was like a novel but a good one :slight_smile: you should be a writer!
     
  4. brians34

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    Oh no, you're staying? :lol:

    So happy for you that you got through it. You ripped the band aid off, it stung for a while, now you reap the benefits that come from the healing.