UPDATE: My journey--If I did it, so can you.

"This post is the first time I have admitted to anyone other than myself that I have gay feelings."

Little did I know that in typing those first words about a year ago on this forum I was beginning the journey of a lifetime. I first posted here explaining my feelings for my straight best friend who I thought I was in love with. He was sending me mixed signals that suggested he was gay, and my feelings only grew stronger. I could think of nobody else, and wanted nothing more than to be in his arms. To make matters worse, nobody knew I was gay. I was alone, depressed, and often cried myself to sleep. Those times were tough, and I honestly felt that my life would only get worse. I was so wrong.

Last November I came out to my closest female friend, who was incredibly supportive. Within a week, I came out to another close friend, and after being told that one of my other best friends was gay, I came out to him. We talked, and he ironically told me that pretty much everyone knew that he was gay except me, because people thought I wouldn't be ok with it.

About a month after that, I came out to my crush. I did not tell him I had a crush on him, I only told him I was gay. He was shocked, but we have remained friends and if anything we are better friends than before. That was the last update I posted on this forum. Since then things have changed even more.

In December I began to lose feelings for my crush over winter break, not sure why, but after telling him and not receiving anything back from him I think reality finally set in and my brain realized the truth--we were not right or meant to be together. In January when the spring semester started up I came out to the rest of my closest friends, all of whom were surprised but incredibly supportive. Also during that month my gay friend (who I mentioned earlier) and I grew closer, and started hanging out more.

We all celebrated his 21st Birthday in the middle of the month, and at his party we were very flirty with each other. On the ride back home rested on each other's shoulders, our hands on each other's chests. I had started developing feelings for him through our times hanging out, but it was at that moment that I knew he meant something more to me. A week later we walked together to a bluff overlooking the city of los angeles. We sat on a bench, overlooking the glimmering lights, and just looked at each other. He spoke first, and told me he didn't know how to describe his feelings for me. I replied "show me" eusa_danc) and at that moment we both had our first real kiss. Since then we have been happily dating, and I wake up every morning no longer reluctant to face the world but excited to see him.

In February I came out to an organization which I am a leader of on campus, giving a speech that tied into the importance of being true to oneself. I told the members that no matter how long the line of people is standing in their way, the person at the head of that line is you, and you alone have the power to turn around and walk in the other direction. The entire room was dead silent for the entire speech, a bit surprising given the normally loud and rambunctious nature of the group. The organization gave me a standing ovation after the speech, and the applause to me in my emotionally drained state was overwhelming. Nearly all 50 members came up and hugged me afterwards. In addition, the members decided to have me "knighted", a tradition of recognizing member achievements in the group. I have never felt so loved in my entire life.

On Easter Sunday my parents came to visit, and I came out to them in the car before they drove me back to campus. I cried harder than I can remember, but their reaction was more supportive than I could have ever imagined. My father said he loves me even more knowing that I shared this with him, and my mom suggested that she would march in the next protest. I cannot express how light my shoulders have felt after that moment. I thought I would tear our family apart, but now my parents and I communicate with each other more than we ever have before.

So there it is. In the span of a year, I went from being depressed, hopeless, and heartbroken to being relieved, happy, and in a healthy relationship with an amazing guy. I still have to tell my brothers and my ex-girlfriend (if she doesn't already know from gossip), but other than that I am as free as a bird.

Thank you everyone who has helped me get so far, I don't know if I would have gone through will all of this without the initial encouragement and discussion from this community. I hope people going through what I was going through now read this and find some hope--the future is not as dark as you think! It can be hard at times, but the journey is well worth the effort. I wish I could post on this forum more, but lately I have been consumed with a heavy academic schedule. Regardless, thank you all again for being there for me, an unknown stranger who you owe nothing to, during such an important part of my life. You guys are all the best. :icon_wink

 

I realize this thread is old now, but I didn't know where else to say this. I have gotten busy with the "real world" off the internet now that I am not so down on myself all the time, so it has been hard finding time to post here. But I do check back every once in awhile, and I hope to find more time to offer advice so people can realize that being yourself is actually worth it. Good luck to all the posters who are working on achieving such an important life feat!

P.S. my ex-girlfriend found out, and responded ok. She said she was supportive and everything, but she was very emotional about it. So that was very hard to deal with. But it was a page that needed closing. I also told my brothers. They didn't even bat an eye. They were shocked, but they didn't care at all. My oldest brother (I am the oldest, but I mean next in age) even took me aside later that day to tell me he was always there for me, which I was taken aback by (he's never done something like that, hes always been more quiet).