So I might have gotten a bit carried away with the metaphors and strange rants, but it more or less just poured out. After reading it over I realized that it probably didn't make much sense (except to me ) hence the Translation bit... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever since senior year began back in September, feelings of angst and stress have been mounting inside. I'm sure most of you can relate. Well, about four months ago these internal pressures could not be contained by my emotional dam. One night, (these feelings always come during the night? Am I alone on that?) I could not handle the stress and anxiety of it anymore. I had to let somebody know, I had to ease the mounting tensions within. The dam I had spent 18 years building, had suddenly sprang a leak. These pent up emotions and exasperate ill-conceived frets regarding the connotation of a mere thing as sexuality had gushed out. I am gay... and somebody knew. The initial reaction was that of relief. Some of this internal pressure has been eliminated, redirected, alleviated. Albeit temporary, it felt... needed. That reaction, however, was short lived. Completely new emotions, far worse than anxiety, had surfaced. Remorse, regret, hysteria.I became consumed with mending this leak. I would not - I could not - allow this fracture to spread and compromise the structural integrity of my emotional defense. I worked zealously, ensuring that no further leaks would spring from this unintentional fault. The patches had been completed, and everything had returned to normal, whatever that is. But, it would not take long for those meak repairs to give way to the ever present feelings of angst and stress building inside. This time, however, a more calm, collected and calculated route was chosen. Instead of waiting for the pressure to cause a fissure, it was alleviated through a small, but allocated channel. No later repercussions. The pressure has been managed, and I am back in full control. I will dismantle this dam when I damn well please. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Translation? Basically, in a fit of slaving to my emotions, I had came out to my good friend in a fairly spontaneous way. Her reaction had nothing to do with my panic, but rather it was the unexpected actions on my part that had completely freaked me out. I was not ready to open up, but at the same time I felt as though I had to. Her reaction? She took it awesomely. I knew she would. Although, it took a bit of convincing on my part, she accepted it and myself with full embrace (somewhat literally ) As for the part dealing with "repairing the damage" is merely referring to making sure she didn't tell anybody and that my secret was safe. Which, to this day, is. The second person I cam out to, which was tonight April 1st, 2008 was mildly planned and consequently much less stressful. About a month ago I told myself that I wanted to come out on April fools day to another person... Here's how it happened... She was taking me home and I was wrestling with internal demons writhing inside, desperately trying to escape (ignore the metaphors... I don't know why I keep writing them...) I was at a loss of words, and the car ride was silent. As if I were having an out of body experience, it had just come out. "I'm gay." "What?! Are you serious?" "Yes." Looking back on it now (as if it happened ages ago...[sarcasm]) I'm fairly surprised with how calm I was. I was in complete control of my body, no strange muscle spasms, no butterflies. Completely comfortable with what I had just confessed. During this surreal feeling I had an epiphany: I'm finally okay with myself; I'm gay. We talked, she asked the usual questions "when did you know?" "who have you told?" "when do you want to come out?" She was everything I needed at that moment and completely understanding (or at least as much as a straight person can be, but that wasn't suprising... she has an openly gay brother). After she had asked those questions, yet another feeling overwhelmed me. Mischievous. "APRIL FOOLS!!" The look on her face was priceless, I probably shouldn't have said that... but I couldn't help myself. It took a bit of time to completely convince her again that I was 100% serious. As I told her, "I willl definately not regret telling you this tomorrow" and so far, it's true. I am glad I had told her and I'm even more happy that I was comfortable saying it. Well, that was a bit longer than I had expected, and I'm sure I got a bit too carried away... thank you for reading it if you read it all the way through. It feels nice to put this on (e)paper. -Chaz
Beautiful story and well written. I love metaphors etc..... Well done and keep it up...it gets easier....
It made perfect sense to me and the dam metaphor fitted nicely... and well done on your second person to come out to..congrats
First of all: congrats!!!!! I loved the metaphor with the dam and the leak, because that's exactly how I pictured my emotions too, when I came out to the first person 7-8 months ago. That is awesome! It took me a great deal of time to finally be able to say 'I'm gay' and feel happy, or at least OK about it. I'm happy that it all went fine and it will only get better from now on!!
