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Still have some doubts.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by CryCrazy27, Apr 20, 2005.

  1. CryCrazy27

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    i am pretty sure i am gay or bi. I have come out to one of my closest friends and he is totally cool with it. Ive even had experiece with another guy (im 17) but anyway i was just wonderin why is it that everytime i JO and finish i always feel guilty of what ive done or even disgusted of looking at gay porn while jacking off. and when i finish, i relook at the porn and feel totally turnedoff and what not. i dunno why i feel this way even though i already accepted the fact i like men. anyone else feel like this?
     
  2. hawkeye

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    that bad feeling is just an idea engrained into your head that what you're doing is wrong. almost like a concience, except a deceptive one. I know that one problem that i had was that i felt like i was letting people(my parents) down because im bi. but thats not right, and i realize that now. If the porn is a moral issue to you, i guess it is alright to point out that straight porn is a moral issue to many people. you might want to try stopping with the porn and start using imagination. and after all, it is easier to hide if you dont have porn pictures around.
    If i could, id like to ask a question, when you had your "experience" with the guy, did you feel the same guilt you do when you JO? this could help you understand why you feel guilty.
     
  3. xyc

    xyc
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    I think I may know what you're going through a bit.

    I met this guy at school who seemed very camp, theatrical, and effeminate. Everyone said he was gay... and when in the very first math class he came and sat beside me... I felt disgusted and creeped out. :eusa_shif It's not quite the same but along the same lines...

    Anyways, I've become friends with that guy... I don't know whether he's gay or not but his 'gay-like' gestures don't bother me anymore. I think it was just because of our culture how all my friends and such would always go "eww" etc. whenever they heard about homosexuality and things like that. So, I got so used to faking those reactions when they did it that it started to actually happen and become something I did in situations by myself.

    So... I felt really conflicted because I was "Oh my god... I'm gay AND homophobic..." But, I've gotten over that quite a bit I think. However, still sometimes thinking about two guys kissing or holding hands or something seems really... disgusting... But at the same time it's really hot... For me, it's been confusing... Sorry I can't offer any advice!
     
  4. CryCrazy27

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    bah, yes i did feel guilty afterwards lol. im happy gay, i dont care if people find out. just bothers me if im still denying it unintentionally. im guessing itll get better after some time.

    anyway, this is my second post its great that there are forums like this around. i intro'd myself to ### but got banned cause im 17. lol oh well.

    hope to see more members here!
     
  5. CryCrazy27

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    That is exactly how i feel/act. im homophobic to gays on the outside but it kills me in the inside. I wish i could communicate in a different way, but it never works when i try. usually just get all shy or something, but if im with my str8 buddies then i become all homophobic.

    ehh, off to work. later
     
  6. hawkeye

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    I'm the same way for the most part, homophobic when i'm with a group of friends. It is easier for me though to be open and accepting when im with another person or two.
     
  7. goratrix

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    I try to keep it neutral. Specially when homosexuality issue rises, I just say: if they are happy, who am I to judge?.
     
  8. goratrix

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    Oh, yeah... and about JO... I used to feel guilty and always had to eat afterwards... don't know why... In time, and ever since I stopped doing it so often, and mostly since I came out to my closest friends I started loosing that feeling... I guess I am ok with it now.
     
  9. Micah

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    Lol Goratrix you crack me up :grin: Cheers Mate.

    In regards to your problem CryCrazy, I know how you feel. I used to (and ocassionally still do) feel guilty about the whole thing, and while I didn't feel the sudden urge to eat, i would immediately go to bed (as I would look at porn during the night).

    Afterwards I would ask myself 'what the hell am I doing? I'm not gay!' etc, but I've found that with time and a stronger acceptance towards your sexuality the feeling goes away.
     
  10. goratrix

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    Ok, that wasn't meant to be funny, I actually put up a lot of weight that way. It's taking lots and lots of energy to loose it... Anyway I need to eat now.... ;-)
     
  11. joeyconnick

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    I think it's just that after you cum, your body is like, "Okay I need a rest so I won't think about sex" and then of course all the internalised homophobia (that everyone has, pretty much, because of the society we're raised in) kicks in. It's probably a good idea to just fight it off by questioning exactly what it is you're feeling guilty about. But when I say "fight it off," I don't mean beat yourself up because of how you're feeling. If you get caught up in feeling guilty or bad for feeling guilty, you really can't deal with the underlying emotions because you've insulated them with another layer (your reaction to your reaction). So don't judge yourself and say, "I shouldn't feel guilty." Ask, non-defensively, "Why am I feeling guilty?"

    And oh yeah... don't be too hard on yourself.
     
  12. goratrix

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    Oh, right! *drops a stick and goes back to his chair*
     
  13. joeyconnick

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    Hmmn... sounds mainly like peer pressure is at work... well, that and being freaked out about being "revealed."

    It's good to remember that a lot of that kind of stupid groupthink shit works through intimidation. I.e. if you're not homophobic, you must be gay. That's a really false correlation and there are several zillion examples of this.

    I think it's possible to be non-aggressively gay-friendly without having to be like, "I'm a big queer." My guess would be your biggest fear is exclusion... i.e. if you don't join in, you won't fit in anymore.

    That's understandable. Everyone wants to belong, I think. But if you're gay, then no matter how much you try to go along with that kind of shit and no matter how many people think you're as straight as an arrow, you don't belong in the way that's important in that kind of group. So forget about the fact that you're hiding that you're gay--that's completely justifiable when you're coming out or not out because it's purely for your own protection, high school being what it is. Not everyone is an activist and not everyone has the support to be out at school.

    But when you join in on homophobic stuff, that's YOU you're talking about. That's your future boyfriend they are denigrating. Your future friends.

    So to me, it becomes a matter of self-respect. You have a choice about joining in on that kind of behaviour--if you give it some thought, I bet you can figure out ways to indicate you're not okay about it without having to say, "Hey that's me you're talking about!" (I had this crazy thought about inventing a gay cousin. Which sounds lame but really a lot of homophobia happens because people find it easy to attack nameless, faceless people but if you were to say, "Hey my cousin came out to me..." well, it's worth considering, at least.)

    I'm kinda worried this sounds a little harsh and I'm not meaning to be all pushy because it wasn't like I was out when I was in high school and I know standing up to peer pressure is one of the most difficult things to do really at any time in your life but especially when you're a teen. I guess I just see a really big difference between not defending queer people and joining in when other people put them down, and it just kills me to think that there are people who feel like they have to essentially attack themselves to keep their "friends." No one deserves "friends" like that--you deserve a lot better. But the sad thing about life is that it's really rare for other people to step in and point that out... generally you have to fight your own battles, which is why when people do step up to the plate to defend you, it's a really, really precious and special thing.
     
  14. goratrix

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    I used to do the same. Join my group of people (won't call them friends) in their homophobic sessions. Until I started accepting myself. That's when I just couldn't talk about it any more. Whenever someone would ask me I would just limit my answer to: whatever makes them happy, they are free.

    Now my friends are not homophobic, we DO joke arround a lot. But most of my friends have or had gay friends (other than me), so they understand a little bit more. Anyway, when the: whatever makes them happy thing wouldn't work for some reason, I used to answer: one of my best friends is gay... which is not entirely false... I AM one of my best friends... so...

    As I said, I used to do it with 'one of my best friends'. Most people just shut up when I said that, other would enquire a little further and I would just be vague or evasive... saying it's from BsAs (where I used to live) or something like that.


    Doesn't seem harsh to me... but then again, I DO agree with most of what you say...
     
  15. Ryanlundvall

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    I used to despise myslf for my homosexual urges now I accept them and like them.
     
  16. cscipio

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    No - you offered great insight. I'm seeing more and more that I've been, and still sometimes exhibit, homophobic gestures.

    It takes time to consciously shrug culturally burned-in boundries. It also takes time to rid yourself of the needless and unwarranted guilt.
     
  17. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    You people realise this was posted 7 years ago right?